Light and Darkness

I grew up in a world between the light and the darkness.

I struggle with the self doubt and worry. That has been created by depression and anxiety.

A world, where my father's encouraging words brought out the darkness within me.

Words filled with light and hope and all possibility.

What was to prepare me for the unexpected... gave me an outlook on life from a different perspective.

"Always expect the worst!" he would say. It filled me with negativity. Even though it was intended to emit positivity.

To guard me, and strengthen, and prepare me. Since turned to distrust, discouragement, and walls that set the proximity.

Having to live as a minority in a world full of adversity. Not encouraged to go onto college, or pursue higher education at a good university.

As I grew older and started my own family. I continued to struggle and provide, because nothing was ever just given to me.

It built a work ethic within. A side of me, an independance, and perseverance, with a little hostility.

As a mother you don't have the same choices as the father. To wake up one day and leave; once you discover that you're too young, and not ready for all the responsibility.

As a woman we take on the world and make it our own. Living life between the light and the darkness.

We give all of our life to make the right decisions for our families, while our single strong mothers must face economic disparities.

With poverty lurking within the darkness, and glimpses of light with the thought of finding justice.

A possibility of enforcement of court ordered child support. A silly delusion of the mind. Yet payments never come, are too few, and far behind.

Not knowing what the next day will bring. Will the sunshine come out and make our souls want to sing.

Or will it be another day filled with doom and gloom. A place in the darkness no flower could even bloom.

A struggle, not even the strongest can survive unscathed, brought out by our weakness that comes alive.

With dark thoughts that scream I want to die, because not all were meant to get a piece of the pie.

Once filled with dreams and hopes and a deep admiration. Accomplishments rendered and much appreciation.

I move forward with no motivation. One minute I live within the light. Than am greeted by the darkness of the night. I find myself in that state of in between!

With memories of adventures and how family time was once spent. The light of my youth is met by the ailments found in the darkness of aging.

To wake up every day in pain. To push yourself not being able to explain. While others see you as nothing has changed. That invisible illness that just can't be seen.

You feel it, and fight it, and cry out at night. Cause no one can see your tears in the darkness unless they turn on the lights.

You look at the outside and judge me, but you can't see what is inside, and that is the make up of me.

Sometimes, I feel like an empty shell with a roller coaster of emotions. Twirling within and around feeling like life has been turned upside down.

You continue to give your all, sweat, blood, and tears. All along while handling your own fears.

Living in a society that makes some feel worthless. It's expensive cars, yachts, and big houses vs penny less pockets.

I find myself one minute in the light, and one minute in the darkness.

I find what is hidden between.... it's were I learn to grow, transition, and create my own path!