Letter to My Friends...

How to write this without sounding immature, needy, or petty is going to be a challenge. How to write this without making you feel bad—oh gosh. If I do, I am sorry, that is not the point of this letter. I just know if I do not let people know where I am mentally I cannot get the help I need.

I AM OKAY but I am not okay (if that makes sense). For the most part this devil that goes by the name of depression has released his hand from my throat. I can breathe again, I can move again, I can crack jokes again, I can dance again BUT he is still watching me, I feel his glare on me and once in a while he lays his hands on me.

I am not asking you to constantly be in my room—that would drive me crazy! For those who are far away, I am not asking you to call me everyday—that too would get annoying. It’s just I was alone for so long and I do not want to experience that feeling again. So when I am asking you to come grab coffee with me, or to come to the terrible cafeteria with me, to come to church or invite me to your church, to go away with me for the weekend, to call me when you are free, to watch our favorite show together—I don’t mean to come across as annoying (and I am sorry if I do).

I AM making sure I get the healthy amount of alone time daily HOWEVER I have realized there is a fine line between that healthy amount and an unhealthy amount for me. I usually start reaching out to you when I am around 80% on the “alone-time-omometer” and if I reach 100% it’s definitely not a good thing.

I do not want you to feel like you have a baby that needs to be taken care of 24/7 but I am not back to being 100% okay. I doubt I ever will… but I don’t mind now that I have learnt a number of coping mechanisms for this devil that takes control sometimes.

My brothers are doing an awesome job of covering the late night and morning shifts so you can sleep through the night without worrying about who will be there for me if I need help during the lonely, late, and early quiet hours.

If I call you my friend I would do anything for you (and I kind of hope you would do the same for me). I am so sorry for disappearing on you for months on end last year. I am trying to be more intentional about how we spend our time together and the conversations we have. I do feel the pressure when it comes to some of you though because you are graduating so our face-to-face time is limited #gulp.

I understand life gets busy and life goes on when someone drops off the face of the planet like I did but I hope and pray that our friendship is strong enough to get through this weird phase.

So yeah I will stop typing now… I love you all. I am ok, but I am not ok. Please talk to me. Please spend time with me. Please pray for and with me. I may not always come but please invite me to different events or places you are going to. I may have acted like I did not need you before but boy do I need you now and I am here for you too!

From your favorite potato.

YN.