Learning to Live Again

Have you ever felt like never fit in with your family or peers ?? Ever since I can remember I had never felt like I belonged. I always felt different and by the time I was ten years old I had learned that my family wasn’t what they seemed. I had learned that my parents were my grandparents, my brother and sisters were were really my aunts and uncle. I remember as if it were yesterday, I can’t remember what exactly was said about my mom, I just knew her by her name and then was told that she was really my mom. Now here I am only ten years old and I had witnessed this woman yell and fight with whom at the time I knew as my mom. She then slapped her demanding that I was going to live with her. I was very scared and confused as I didn’t want to leave the only home I had known for ten years of my life.

As I had no choice but to leave I didn’t want to leave my home. What was even more confusing was at the time she had a son who was 4 years old and I was told that he was my brother. Which didn’t make any sense to me at the time. I was only a kid and my world had just got torn apart. It was a nightmare living with her from the start. It seemed as almost immediately things became scary for me. She became very mean and I was forced to help care for my younger brother, clean up after her and be the maid. I didn’t want to be there I wanted to go back home. Where I felt safe and to be with my family. There were many times when we were left home alone while she worked or went out. I was scared to be alone I had never been left alone. Over time, she became abusive and began drinking all the time. She would beat on me if things weren’t done the way she wanted. There were times that I had tried to bond with her but it was no use as she was very hateful. She wasn't parent material at all, I remember that if I tried talking to her about something she would get negative about it. Growing up, I had gotten into sports, and I loved telling stories so I began to write. Though it wasn’t until I was 13 years old when I began to write novels . Which had started when I had went on the road with her and my step-dad. He had really saved me from her several times. One time she had got very mad at me for something that happened years ago or maybe nothing at all. She would punch on me, swing at me and she had broke my nose. I was defending myself from my brother and cousin one time and she got so hostile towards me, grabbed me by my head and threw me into the wall. Just beating on me and my step dad stepped in and stopped her.

One year I had made the mistake of buying a canoe paddle from six flags because she took it from me to use on my brother and I. All I could do was put everything into my writing to keep from breaking down. I have never felt love from that woman, she’s very manipulative, hateful and jealous of anyone including her own kids. It had gotten to the point where I didn’t talk about my dreams or goals because she would always knock them down. Try to discourage me by saying I would never be able to do what I wanted to do. Which obviously wasn’t true at all. I only lived with this woman for 8 years and it was a living nightmare. You never knew what was going to happen with her. She would come home drunk and wake me up by punching me in the stomach. She was always hitting on me. All I knew was that I was I getting older and I wanted to get away from her. I never had that mother / daughter relationship with her. Of course she made sure I had things and was able to do things with friends but she was still very abusive. Always fighting and getting drunk when she wasn’t working.

I tried talking to her about it but she denied any of it then after writing about it in an article; she stated that I was wrong and she gave me money so why would I say this. Well the truth hurts and this is my therapy to be writing my memoir now about my life. I would love to say that things got better but they didn’t. For the first time in my life I had fallen in love with someone. We were inseparable and even though he was much older I didn’t care. We were together for two years and when it came down to it he couldn’t stand up for us to my mom. It killed me to walk away from him but I needed to get away from my mom.

When I was 16 years old I had gotten a book contract with Silhouette Publishing House now Random House. I remember her taking the letter to show off to her friends and people at work. She began talking about what all she was going to buy and so forth. There was no way in Hell I was going to let her take my hard earned money from my writing. So I went to my aunts house and gave her five dollars to call the publishing house.I remember telling her the story of what my mom had said. I’ll never forget it, she laughed, shook her head and let me use the phone. When I called them they informed me that since I was a minor (which they didn’t know until I called them) she would have control over my royalties until I turned 18. That was it I turned down the contract and told them I would be back in touch when I was 18. Which of course never happened. She wasn’t happy at all when she learned what I had done. After that I had got offered a partial scholarship to Juilliard for acting and writing. Which she said I couldn’t go because she wasnt going to let me that I had to stay and be her maid.

Then there was the flood of 93’, that year I had lost everything all 5 of my handwritten books. I was devastated because I didn’t have copies and had to start over with writing my stories. All that hard work and years was just gone and destroyed. I really believe that was my breaking point and I needed to work on getting away after I graduated. Which I had done only for it to to backfire on me. I had met someone who is now my the father of my two kids. I had only known Larry for 6 months and I moved in with him and it was rocky. I wasn’t old enough to go out to the bars and he loved to party. He was very dominating and had his own car business at the time. What I loved was that he stood up to my mom and he wanted to get married. Everything in my body had warned me not to go through with it but I ignored it. I went from living in a nightmare to being in horrifying nightmare. Not only was I scared of my mom I had become terrified of my now ex-husband. Yes, I was very young and he was in his 30’s and even to this day I still like older guys. I’ve never connected with anyone in my age range. I learned real fast that he was gay, mean, violent, used drugs and loved to party.

There were several times that he would break things, threaten to kill me, he even took telephone cord to my throat, took a knife to me several times. I was going to leave him and go back to my moms which I didn’t want to do. However I found out that I was pregnant which had concerned me because one night, Larry was high on drugs and brought a guy home. He then held me down and had the guy have sex with me. I was crying telling him I didn’t want to and Larry began to punch me in the head. The guy was young and he stopped and apologized. After that I wanted to go to the police but I was afraid he would hurt me. Luckily the baby was his but now I felt like I stuck now. I’ve been forced to do things I would never do. I’ve had a shot gun put to my head and was told that all he had to do was tell the guy he wanted me dead. I was sheltered from everything and everyone for the duration of the marriage.

Ive been through so much that it has of course affected me my whole life. After I had my sons, was when he really became violent and very abusive. Not only was he starving me as everything I made went to him including any food stamps I got for the kids. He refused to care for them saying that they were my responsibility. He had hit me very hard across the face and one night I was feeding my son when he got angry when I wouldn’t fix him something to eat. He had grabbed me by the head and very violently shook me and punching on my head. I was screaming and I ran out for help and well he had got arrested but it didn’t help. I was married to him for 5 years and was finally able to get out. During that time I began to slip away and I had to get help. I lost almost a year and didn’t remember giving birth to my son. If that wasn’t bad enough once I was free from him and living with my mom once again I went to see a doctor. I needed help for the trauma that I had went through and well that had backfired on me. The psychiatrist I had went to see wrongfully misdiagnosed me and had me taking several different medications. During that time I was trying to get help and was only getting worse. It wasn’t long that the medication had taken over and I was gone. I was functioning barely and sleeping all day day and running around all night. To be honest I really don’t have much of a memory. I have been told stories of something’s but I can’t remember much. I have little to no memory from the year 2001 to mid 2008, when I had finally got real help when I was in Florida. But during that time I had remarried in 2004 to someone I had met and didn’t remember being married to him and didn’t really know much about him. My kids didn’t like him and frankly not too many people did including his own family. I mean who marries someone who is sick? I was being treated for the wrong things and finally the summer of 2008 I got my life back. I still suffer from severe anxiety and PTSD and trust issues. I’ve been divorced from that guy since 2009 and have been on my own since. I have tried to date and move forward with my life but I have a really hard time trusting. It hasn’t been easy at all especially with the flashbacks, the nightmares which have finally went away several years ago. I’ve had to self recover from everything and the first year was the hardest. It felt like I was coming out of a coma and being a mother to two almost teenagers. Everything that I had suppressed and buried was now all rushing back to the surface. It was watching a video being played in my head of everything that had went on. As for the relationship with my mom, it has gotten better. It took some time but I began writing again and even acting some. I also suffer from a nervous condition along with back problems from the abuse and re-injuring my back. I’m hanging in there and yet got myself involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable and a heavy drinker among other things. I allowed myself to waste three years with this person because I was vulnerable and feeling a bit lost and lonely. I had been single for so long I was looking for a relationship. I had been dating several years ago but it was the same small town and I wasnt looking for anything serious. It seemed like I’m a magnet for the wrong type of men. They become jealous or insecure or seem to move too fast I would stop seeing them. I don’t really know about dating sadly as I had been married twice and the second time I had no memory of. I lost several years of my life and it took almost ten years to fully recover. The doctors that I was very lucky that there was no neurological damage done. When I did start dating I jumped too fast as I wasn’t healthy enough at the time and really should have waited. On top of that I was drinking socially and having fun dancing and meeting people. Everything just moved too fast and I really believe that at the time I was trying too hard to get people to like me. I feel like at times when I’m out I still act that way. Since my recovery I’ve been working extremely hard to get my life back my writing career going and just living again. Here lately it seems like I’m doing more harm than good. Apart of me is so use to getting hurt that I run before it happens and that seems to be with everything. I’ve been running ever since I got my divorce from my second husband. Sometimes I miss hanging out with my hometown friends having fun dancing and such. But now over the last few years I feel as if I’m lost, not knowing what to really do and feeling like I’ll never find real love and be happy. It’s very hard for me now to be around those who drink beer and alcohol on a daily basis. My anxiety increases my heart races and pounding where its hear to breathe. Now if I’m out somewhere like a restaurant or bar listening to music I’m fine. It’s mainly when I’m at home and I was told that since the abuse and everything that had happened to me took place at home; that’s why it triggers. I myself can have a few drinks and be fine but if I’m with someone and they begin drinking constantly I can’t be around them. Writing this has really helped me and I hope that it helps others who may be going through similar situations or who have. Please don’t ignore your gut or the red flags and warning signs of something. Always protect yourself in any situation and never for once believe you don’t have a way out. There’s help out for anyone who may going through abuse or knows someone who maybe being abused. Love can blind no matter who they are and trust me there are no free passes for anyone including family. It’s now 2021 and I can honestly say that even though I have been recovered since 2008, its taken until 2015 possibly 2016 to fully recover from the illness. Even though I began working I pushed it aside instead of dealing with it so the issues and such never went away until recently. One day at a time I’m getting better but I will always have my issues with trusting people and my health issues with anxiety and ptsd. Stay be healthy and stay strong.