Learning to let go and move on

24th November 2015 between 9:30pm to 2am I was beaten up by my own brother, unprovoked attack. His words" I want to take away your freedom and humiliate you".

Most people think domestic abuse only happens between two people in a relationship or married couples. But sibling abuse does happen and it happened to me. I’m probably not the first person this has happened to but I wanted to share my story with others.

Remember the fear that seeps into you over time, will gradually melt away. I can attest to that.

What Happened-

Leading up to the incident. My brother had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia at 14. He was cleared after a while but he had his demons. He became house bound as he was afraid to go out and he also became insecure to succeed at anything, he is really smart. During this time he became very reclusive, so I did everything I could to make him feel included; by taking out to the cinema, paying for his holiday trips, buying him clothes and making sure we never forget his birthday.

I helped him deal with his anger issues as he had countless outbursts he took out on us (the family) and things around the house. This affected us all, as my parents did their best to take him to therapy, anger management classes, Christian camps, buying him whatever he wanted, Chinese acupuncture and Hindu spiritual healing therapy.

Things got worse when I thought they were getting better. He started locking me out of the house, breaking things that belonged to me, accusing me of things he thinks I’ve said and emotionally abusing me by threatening he will kill me someday. My mistake was ignoring these as signs of physical abuse that was going to happen. My parents left the country to attend my grandma's funeral in Ghana and they advised us to try and get along whilst they were away.

On Tuesday 24th November 2015, after 9pm whilst I was trying to get my baby niece to sleep, as I was babysitting her that evening. My brother was downstairs having dinner. I heard loud stomps coming up the stairs, I hopped out of bed and there he was holding a kitchen knife and all I could think was, please do not hurt the baby. He then grabbed my t-shirt neck and pushed my back close to the hot radiator heater, which was on, so you can imagine how hot it must have been for my back.

He started punching me in the face and then he kicked me in the hip quite a few times. He then pushed the knife close to my neck and threatened to stab me if I moved. I kept begging him not to hurt me and not to hurt me in front of the baby. She had woken up crying, as she could tell how chaotic it was. I kept praying and praying he would realise what he was doing and stop but he didn't stop there. I tried to get the knife out of his hand but that pissed him off. Even after I cut my middle finger and there was so much blood everywhere he didn't care, He didn't care about our baby niece crying either.

He kept shouting in my face whilst I was pinned to the hot radiator, it was cold that evening so it was on to keep the house warm -"don't move or I will kick you" "stay still or I'll punch you again". He then told me to stay still, as I kept trying to move away from the hot radiater. But he kept ignoring me. Then he kept asking " why are you jealous of me" "why do you hate me". Then he kept saying you are not going to work tomorrow, You are going to lose your job like how I’ve lost mine.

When the baby kept crying, he got sick and tired of her scream. He asked me to take her. I then saw my phone and tried to grab it and placed it in his pocket. I then told him the baby was hungry so I needed to feed her. He followed me to the kitchen and sat next to me until I was done feeding her, until she slept.

After I put her down to sleep, he told me he wasn’t done teaching me a lesson. He instructed me to go downstairs, and when we got to the landing, I ran towards the door but he caught up with me and then dragged me by my braids to the living room whilst he was still holding the knife. He then shouted at me to get on my knees and that’s when he threw water on my face.

Everytime I looked up and he would scream in my face not to look at him or he’ll kick me. When I flinched, I was threatened with a punch. He then threw water on my face again, and slapped me. During the ordeal, he kept muttering about how he felt so alone, how he feels abandoned by our parents and why am I succeeding and he isn’t etc. So much happened that night. I kept thinking if I did or said anything to provoke this attack. Sometimes I will keep saying to myself I wish I did something to deserve this attack. I kept replaying the night and the events leading up to it, to figure it out what I did wrong.

After that incident;

My brother was arrested but not charged. I remember the police officer’s call. She apologised on the phone, and many women out there know there isn't a lot done for women who are abused. She said there wasn’t enough to charge him, as he told them it was just two siblings arguing and as I didn’t have ‘severe’ physical bruises on my face, they could not charge him.

The police officer on my case referred me to the Victim Unit. I remember I got a call from a case worker and she labelled my abuse wiht a case number. That’s when I decided I did not want to be a case number, I needed to be there for myself and help myself rebuild mentally and emotionally. People forget the aftermath of emotions you feel once the abuse is over.

I blamed my parents for what I went through. I decided to cut my brother out of my life, as hate kept brewing every time I saw him. I did not see him for a while after 2015. But on the 6th of January 2017, he decided to apologise but his apology did not mean a thing as I was still angry and I was still living in fear.

I have struggled with PTSD because every time I heard loud footsteps I would wake up. I wasn’t given much help from any service I reached out to. I was embarrassed to tell my friends because my own brother did this to me. I started comfort eating and not speaking to my family. The incident (I keep calling it) affected my personal life and work-life so much. I had to quit my job, as I started having panic attacks. I decided to speak to a therapist, which was very helpful and also helped me acknowledge this was not my fault.

Now, I am making progress. What helped me rebuild myself was talking to close friends, moving out of the house and speaking to a therapist. I then built up the courage to speak to my parents and older sister, about needing their support which they did. My faith in God played a huge part in helping me release the hurt and anger I had. I also started writing quotes I share on my HI-I’M VIOLET instagram account to help motivate others dealing with self-doubt and anxiety.

Today, I am rejuvenated mentally, I no longer live in fear, I sleep soundly and I no longer cry when I speak about this. I have forgiven my brother and he is working on himself too! Our current sibling relationship status is NOTHING, COMPLICATED BUT I’M HOPEFUL.