Just a Journal

Another Christmas is in the books and it was good. J kept telling me it was the best Christmas ever. That's pretty important to me. If it hadn't been good for her, it wouldn't have been good for anyone.

It's impossible to know with her. The smallest thing could have set her off. She kept adding to her Christmas wish list right up until Christmas Eve. Even after living here for twelve years, she doesn't seem to grasp that it can be a challenge getting things out here in the sticks.

I didn't even finish wrapping gifts until Christmas morning this year. That's unusual for me. Typically we get the tree up by December 1st and gifts start going under it right away. The family has the whole month to speculate and I have plenty of time to make sure that there's enough for each person to feel important, special, and loved.

I certainly haven't been feeling it this year. I even had times that I wished I had never taken up celebrating the holiday when I left 'the cult'. Life would certainly be simpler without the pressure.

Christmas baking is usually a big deal around here. I start up on November 4th and bake like a madwoman for 7 weeks. There are usually all sorts of cookies, squares, tarts, and candy created in my kitchen in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Tins, trays, and gift boxes go out by the dozens, but not this year. I had to keep my fingers crossed this year, while I filled boxes for the two brothers that showed up for Christmas dinner.

Now that the pressure is off and Christmas was a success, I feel a little bit more like baking. Maybe we'll get a few of the treats that I missed out on making for New Year's. I guess that would be okay, too.

It's bitterly cold. I even heard the weatherman say that it is possibly the coldest Christmas on record in 50 years. Yesterday morning was -31C, and the wind made it feel like -45. This morning it's -36, but at least there's no wind. Just gross.

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I could just stay inside. That's not an option though. I have pregnant goats that will likely be delivering babies in this cold. That means I have to head out every few hours and check on them.

Trouble actually had me a little worried over Christmas Eve and yesterday. I was almost certain that Christmas dinner was going to be interrupted with me having to play midwife. Fortunately, as of my last check a little while ago, she's still hanging on. I'll have to take her food and water again today though since she hasn't been venturing out to eat or drink. Perhaps a hearty meal and warm molasses water will move things along.

I'm feeling better this morning than I have in months. Now that the pressure of the holiday is passed I can breathe a little and reflect. It's been a rough year. I let depression get the best of me and usually, I'm pretty good at working through that sort of thing.

Mind you, I guess it's been building up for the last three years and finally got to be more than my mind and emotions could handle.

I've always been one to run full bore. Keeping busy kept me happy. There's a thrill in always having something to do. I've had a couple of pretty serious accidents in the last couple of years that really slowed me down. Then there were the losses, most notably, my only sister in 2018 and one of my brothers this Spring.

Those events made me realize who my true friends and family were. It wasn't pretty. I've spent my whole life helping others, being that person that everyone could count on. There weren't many people that stepped up to the plate when I needed a hand though and that was pretty disheartening.

I used to journal every morning. Then life got busy and I would only journal when things got too heavy. Then, in June of 2020, I hurt my arm, and even now, I still can't hold a pen to put to paper for more than just a few words. I'm starting to realize that my soul needs that purging.

Writing on my computer doesn't seem to have the same cathartic effect that putting a pen to paper did, but it's all I have right now, so I guess it'll have to do.

I'm going to attempt to get back to journaling daily. I need to get back to purging my soul every morning. It helps me to start the day with a clean slate. It's a little thing, that I'm hoping will make a big difference for me in the coming year.

I can't keep letting depression win. I've already let too much life pass me by and I'm not getting any younger.