Its been five years

It's been five years since i died..

i don't know how i did it but looking back i should have known that i would still miss everything about you. i don't want to tell you this but i tried to kill the pain. I tried drowning it for three years i did what i could to dull the hurt. I turned to a bottle of alcohol but no matter how much I drank I couldn't get you out of my head. I lied to myself over and over again i felt like Alice going down the rabbit hole deeper and deeper until i couldn't find my way back i was so scared and alone. there still are days that i cry knowing that this hole inside me won't ever be filled by any vice or person. I Know i'm different without you. i loved you more than i thought possible. the pain i experienced was not only the pain from losing you but knowing that it was all a lie. you never truly loved me but you lied so well.

when it was good it was amazing if i could have just one day back of it i would. It was warm summer memories fun and the Girls your kids.

your girls might have been the thing that actually killed me inside . I didn't think i would get attached but i did and you let me. It was the whole idea of something close to a family and it being torn away from me so quick. when you said so many things that is what was the nail in the coffin that is my head. in the end i died inside my light was extinguished and all that remained was a blick inky void of hurt and damage done by you.

I write this to myself and anyone who reads this as a warning don't blindly follow your heart use your head look for the red flags and trust your gut. I still don't know how something so short lived killed me but it did i was reborn as something less and have had to fight to get back to this point. Am i less am i nothing to you i thought you were going to be my last love turned out you were because i can't love like that again and for me to even try is selfish to anyone trying to love me. But no one likes to be alone. I tried to medicate my heart break but nothing worked. i thought about killing myself ending it all seemed like a sweet relief but I wasn't as selfish as you to kill someone's heart.

There is not enough time to recover from this.

i needed you to be my one and only and now i'm I am my one and only just me fighting threw this hurt.

This is because of you

one day you will see the pain you put me threw

i hope when it happens your sitting down so the fall isn't so far you broke me to pieces and shattered my heart i lied and i cried without you

you should be on trial for murder in the first degree i wish i cold have seen that you where false so i write this with a faint and weak pulse.

I should be charging you rent for the space you occupy in my head and heart. i will never be the same and still i would drop it all for you which means i'm not over it or done healing maybe one day or maybe another life but i will never let anyone in like i did you again i cant for fear if i do i won't come back.

medicate tolerate exacerbate removing you from my mind

release reveal refresh i need to get you outta my head

your presence is a knife in me piercing my heart killing me one thousand times over

How do you sleep at night after all the lies you told me.

how can you keep on going after you promised

me i was yours. I still hope that one day you will realize what you did to me.

It's Been Five Years Since I Died....