It Can't Just Be Me

When the pandemic started, I didn't really have a care in the world. I was happily (or so I thought) married, I had a great career that I had recently been promoted in, and I was healthy. What I did not know was that I would later be brutally attacked by my soon to be ex, lose my career inevitably because of her, and have to pack a bag with only one week's worth of clothing and run away to my friend's house.

My ex and I were having an argument about God-only knows what, and she suddenly gets in my face and will not move. She weighed 235 at the time, I was only 150, so it was a bit difficult to maneuver around her. Finally, I had had enough of her trying to block my path, so I bulldozed myself into her, prompting her to grab me. I blacked out, so I am not sure what happened in between, but when I came back, she had a large scratch on her face and was saying that I threw a chair and a knife at her.

I noticed that my right pinky toe was out of place, so I limped to the living room to set it back on the couch. She tried to come at me again, and I went off on her. I don't know how I punched so fast, so many times, but this hardly fazed her. She slammed me into the corner of the wall, giving me a large knot in the lower left side of my head. I had to take out a restraining order and leave the house immediately. I moved in with my friend, who let me wear her clothes when mine ran out, bought food and toiletries and even paid a few of my bills. She is my angel forever.

I have since then been let go from two temporary jobs (temporary due to COVID-19) and had eight accounts closed due to not being able to pay in full. Everything that I must do now, as an adult on my own, takes money. Of course it does, some of you might be thinking, yet when you actually, GENUINELY sit down and take this in, you start to look at every dollar that you own as a lifeline. The divorce, I have to pay for. My car note, insurance, phone bill, etc is all on me now, with no job and the only income at the moment is almost immediately spent on bills when I get it.

My mental health took a deep nosedive while I was married, due to me being in the military and though my spouse had a job, she didn't help much at all. I was constantly told at work, where I was one of two women in an all male division, that I was lazy, entitled, a burden to the division when I kept them alfloat way more often than they ever knew. We weren't able to speak to family or loved ones often, and you see the SAME people everywhere, all the time, with virtually no connectivity to the outside world.

When I did get back home, I took various drugs and became an alcoholic. Ultimately, I would attempt to have peace by swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills, end up in the psych ward, and then off to rehab. It does not sound desirable, and it was not, yet it was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me.

Why am I pouring out my life online? I know for a fact that someone else is going through the same situation or similar, and I want you to know that you are not alone. Despite everything that has happened to me (and what I have just shared is not even a scratch on the surface), I am hopeful for my future. I was told a long time ago that I should happen to life, and to not let life happen to me. That hit me in a deep place, though I did not understand it at the time. If you want to see change in your life, it has to start with YOU. Take care of yourself always, no one else can do it for you better than you, that's just the reality of it all. If you are being abused; mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE!

My soon to be ex told me that she would kill me and go to jail happy. That is not something that someone who loves you should say, ever, I don't care if they are "joking" or not. If you use drugs (not marijuana) or alcohol "just to sleep," you may want to rethink that decision. There are other ways to get your rest, please do not end up as I did and become an alcoholic simply because sleep is so hard to get. It may sound so easy to avoid, however, anything that becomes a habit becomes harder to break.

In rehab, I was forced to be part of a group session, which I NEVER wanted to be a part of. Who wants a stranger knowing their business, let alone twelve other strangers? However, when I took the time to actually speak and listen to the other individuals who were there, I realized that we had all arrived there for the same reasons, more or less, we and that we all had similar values. It is honestly something that really helped my healing process.

Honestly, if you are having any kind of trouble, please speak to someone. I cannot guarantee the result that you would like, I will say that everytime I have confided in the people that I know for a fact will not judge me for anything, I have felt so much better. A friend, a close family member, an associate at work that you like hanging around, the counselor in your area, SOMEONE, please speak to them.

Maybe none of this made sense, and I apologize if it does not. My mind is so scrambled these days that I cannot think straight a lot of the time. Thank you for reading, love and blessings xoxo