The Devaluing, Judgement & Envy Stage
Being born a creative person I shared with him some of the things that had brought me to this point in my life.
I was also born with an auto- immune condition and so not understanding his complete lack of empathy toward anyone or anything I found out that a person with this type of personality disorder is one that would say their vows and if you became sick with an illness and you needed their care, they’d be gone! I’ll talk now about my journey up to the point of meeting him and although I thought I had achieved a lot and made great choices for myself, in his eyes every single choice of mine was just useless and he had something to say about it all!
I have been many things in this life journey. I began life prematurely. I had many, many days of being extremely sick. I didn’t get to grow up as a normal kid. I spent most of my time in a doctors off and being shielded from the world due to even the common cold.
I started writing at a very young age. I was home a lot during the winter months from school and found my own little world with a pen and paper. It kept my mind occupied and off of being sick all of the time.
My sickness was invisible as most auto-immune diseases are, so people other than my immediate family had no idea I was sick.
Always being told about my “magical eyes” I was soon sought after by a few local newspaper and photography studios for my face and as a child became the face for a few local businesses. As soon as this became the norm for my young life, my mom started to make everything about my looks. I had to be perfect in everything I did and how I looked.
As a teenager this was a chore. My weight, my clothes, my everything was something for her to condemn. I barely ate in fear of gaining a few pounds. My clothes had to be the best but I’m an Aquarius and bright and colorful were just me. Mismatching colors and patterns was built in me and I loved seeing all of the bright colors especially in the 80’s. She finally adapted to my style but still, besides colors they had to be perfect.
I did all the sports, did all the contests, got great grades and was always trying to be that perfect child that she so wanted me to be however I did hit the rebellious streak and it once she wasn’t in control anymore the only thing we did was clash.
I did some modeling after high school and had not only one job, I had three. I also had a very strict gym schedule and everything else that was on my plate trying to keep everyone happy. As an empath you always worry about everyone but yourself and that was definitely me.
I had taken cosmetology in high school and was at the top of my class for everything. I won every scholarship that they was offered. I loved the program I had chosen and did very well.
I was cutting hair, working at a beauty supply store as well as doing another job for money to basically help everyone around me. My family struggled as well as a few of my friends, so I was working to keep them all afloat.
Time went on and so did my life, my sickness, my need to help everyone but myself and so on. There were so many things I wanted to do and my mission statement for as long as I can remember was that I was always going to live with no regrets. I never wanted to wake up one day without fulfilling all the callings in my heart.
By the time I met my soulmate, the narcissist, I had been a cosmetologist and worked at a few very high end salons, a restaurant manager, an assistant manager at a gas station, a nail tech, a realtor and when I met him, I was a nurse.
Array of professions for sure but each one I really enjoyed. I love helping people and even if it was the elderly person who was coming in for their morning coffee, I was able to converse with them and make a little difference, even for just a moment. I’ve always tried to inspire people, even if it was to a person I had just met. That’s just me.
No job felt any lower than another because they all had a purpose behind them. As the real estate crash came of 2008, I really felt a calling to go back to school to get into the healthcare field. Being an empath, nursing is definitely a calling.
I began to let him into the type of jobs I had had in my past and what I was doing then. He was a soulmate to me so title should never matter but with a narcissist, does it ever.
A year or so into this, I got sick. Extremely sick. I not only was dealing with the auto- immune issue and everything that came along with it, I also got a severe case of pneumonia. Being premature my lungs never fully developed so this was something major that I was going through. He watched me go through it. He did not care. Not at all, not once did he even say to me that he hoped I felt better, get better- nothing! I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was drowning in my own fluid and my soulmate couldn’t even say hey, feel better.
I started this part of this series by giving you a glimpse into my backstory because it has played out greatly since meeting him. They do not care and can’t ever put themselves in someone else’s shoes no matter the circumstance.
I spent weeks being so severely sick, it was one of the worst times in my life and I got nothing from a guy who’s supposed to care about the one person they’ve been desperately searching for. I got nothing!
I ended up staying in bed for weeks to try and heal myself. I finally did and yet again decided to do something new. I’d always been extremely lucky coming up with ideas for side hustles. I loved painting old furniture. Years before this I had done a few pieces for myself that I’d find at yard sales or thrift stores.
I was sitting in my garage and seen some furniture that had seen better days. I decided to start painting old furniture and giving it new life rather than let it pile up in the landfill. I had also found a couple old pieces to restore and so it went.
I started yet another business to add to the others I’d done in the past. I was so excited to sell my first piece and it sold for an amount that I was pretty shocked by. I texted him with my excitement and got some lame response. I didn’t really even care because I knew it was yet another creative adventure that I needed to pursue.
I never entertained the idea at this point of us ever being anything except soulmates. I was not dating him. I was definitely not marrying him. I looked at him as a soul contract and thought we could atleast be civil to each other but being civil isn’t something a narcissist can ever be. I spent my life growing up with a parent trying to control my every move, how I looked, what I did and once I broke free from that, I would never again, ever let anyone tell me how to look just to appease their eyes! And so it goes, him being him. Soulless.
He began knocking every aspect of my new business that I’d began. Everything I showed him, he had something bad to say about it. He’d never been happy about any of MY choices and always had to throw in his ridiculous two cents that was never wanted.
At this point I was only concentrated on my business and didn’t even concern myself with him and his thoughts about what I was doing. People loved it and bought every piece I had done. That’s all that mattered!
I had just recovered from a pretty traumatic sickness that had taken so much out of me. He then began trying to tear me down even more. I’d wake up to a text saying how worthless I was. He’d tell me how awful I looked and that I’d never amount to anything! He was would never admit it but he was jealous that my business was taking off.
It not only took time away from this delusion relationship that he’d made up in his head, he was jealous that I was actually making money from something that he thought was a terrible idea.
I was on Facebook and decided to glance at his page. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! Narcissist are so absolutely co- dependent on everyone else and what they are doing that he had just painted a guitar! Are you kidding me? I was wasting my time doing what I was doing but he’s going to follow suit and paint something too. I literally started laughing and thought what a hypocrite!
Not only was my business venture being ripped apart, now it was my turn. Everyday he said something about how lazy I was, I looked absolutely horrible, my weight was an issue, my hair was an issue. Everything about me, he had a problem with.
I’d blocked him several times but by doing this I also was blocking my niece. He couldn’t be real at all so if I blocked one of his fake profiles, he’d hack her phone to continue a conversation with me. He was obsessed with a person he tore to shreds every chance he got.
They self sabotage themselves every minute of everyday! He couldn’t get it through his head that I needed him for nothing and no one was ever going to treat me like that!
They feel the need to outshine everyone because they’re fragile egos feed off of others attention. Complete superficial beings that hold so many evil tendencies however they are pure misery. They live miserable and callous existences. Going from one supply to the next. Even if you think you’re the only one, you’re never the only one! They’ll tell you what you want to hear until, you the victim of their narcissist ways, start to wake up to who they really are. Once that happens they try to rip you down off the pedestal they made for you in the love bombing stage.
Narcissist live their lives doing no good, each minute, of each day. Nothing they ever do is to benefit anyone but themselves. Life is too short to be the dirt beneath their shoes and that’s all you are in their world.
Breaking free, understanding and researching is what brought me to this new chapter in my life. The chapter of getting my experience out there, the knowledge out there to help others. I know that this diagnosis is becoming more prevalent because you are starting to hear about it more and more. Looking around the world, all of the narcissism is coming to light.
Those thinking they were hidden, are not. Light overpowers they shade narcissists try and throw. You are the light. The person trying to bring you down doesn’t deserve anything from you!
I knew from his peculiar behavior in the beginning that I had just met someone that was evil. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, being in the public eye, not being able to come out to being real, however that benefit of the doubt quickly became my understanding that I was not dealing with a sane person. I was not ever scared of him because underneath they are cowards! That’s why you see them sitting behind computer screens typing tons of shade but face to face they are weak!
You are strong! You are capable! You too can break free! You are the light in this darkness! Continue to shine! Never let someone tell you who you are!
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