If I could I would.

"You should try this..."

"But what's actually wrong?"

"You just have to see things in a positive manner."

"I'm busy but I hope you feel better soon."

"I know you're not feeling ok but can I just rant a little? You're just really understanding."

"I'm trying my best but I don't know what to do with you."

If I could feel something else apart from a desperation to not want to exist I would. If I could feel anything else apart from an overwhelming sense of fear I would. If I could feel anything but sad, suicidal, empty, numb, I would. 100% I would. Why is that so hard to understand? Why do you make me out to be someone that has a choice? As if I choose to feel like this? As if I choose to be dead inside. Who would choose to be dead inside?

I've been like this most of my life, I was just better at hiding it then. Maybe then I still had ways of deflecting those feelings and hiding from them until they no longer dwelled within me and maybe now I no longer am in possession of those skills. Now everything you say or suggest is a reminder. A reminder of everything I'm not. Everything you expect me to be but can't be. Everything I should be but aren't. They're simple requests like, be happy, feel something, be present, but if only you knew how intensely I wish I could.

I wish my mind didn't run every possible scenario of my end. I wish my thoughts didn't tell me the world would be a better place without me in it. I wish they didn't tell me that maybe then I'd feel peace, that maybe then I'd be free. I wish I didn't believe them. I wish they didn't make sense. I wish they weren't so loud and so damn true.

I wish I preferred being awake to being asleep. I wish I could click my fingers and be happy or maybe if I can't be happy at least just not feel this.

I hate that you have to see me like this. Lifeless. Desperate. Dark. I hate that I let you down over and over again. I hate that I can't trust myself and I hate that I can't trust you. I hate that you don't understand. I hate that I have to try and explain shit to you that I can't even piece together in my own brain because doing so amplifies my hell. I hate that I have to tell you how to treat me because you can't figure it out.

I hate the way you changed the way you look at me now. Like I'm not me. Like my words aren't to be trusted. Like I don't know what's best for me. I hate the way anytime you do help me it destroys you.

I'm sorry that my feelings are such an inconvenience for you. I'm sorry that you have to do shit for me sometimes. I'm sorry that I can't be more of what you want. I'm sorry I have to depend on you sometimes. God knows I hate to. I'm sorry that I don't want to live and that even you are not enough to make me want to stay. I'm sorry I cry so much. I'm just in pain.

I live in this hell you see. Where what I see makes no difference to what I feel. My happiness is fabricated, it's forced. I look everywhere for something to make me feel, or to distract me. I try to be someone different so that I may want to live, I try to change so that I can be happy. So that I can be better for you. I try and in all my greatest attempts I fail. Sometimes I feel happy but can I tell you the truth? It happens so rarely that I forget what it feels like when I don't. I try to replicate it in my nervous system, in my brain, in my mind, in my body but it doesn't work. I wish you could believe me.

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning. Literally, constantly, drowning. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't see. It burns. I wish you could see me drowning. I wish you could see me. I wish you would save me. I wish you would hold me and hate that I feel like this. I wish you'd turn the world upside down looking for a way to save me. I wish my happiness meant as much to you as it does to me. I wish you loved me. Like really loved me. And maybe then I wouldn't be so alone in this or alone at all. I wish I didn't think of you first even in these times. Even if it doesn't seem like I do, I do and it kills me.

I wish that I wished I was someone else. But I don't. I just really wish she wouldn't feel like this anymore. I wish she knew how much I love her. How much I want her to be happy. I wish it made a difference, but it doesn't. It makes no difference to this undeniable hole.

I wish I could save me.