I Was Invited on Dr. Phil

When I was in college, I wrote in to Dr. Phil.

Without getting into too much detail, my dad was a gambling addict with an anger problem, and I wanted help for one of my younger sisters, who was affected the worst by our toxic family dynamic and was having serious behavioral issues.

I used to watch Dr. Phil every day. Phil McGraw brought me comfort and made me feel safe. He spoke out against all forms of abuse and condemned parental behaviors that I had always believed were wrong, but that had been dismissed by the people in my life as insignificant. Dr. Phil advocated for children in bad situations and made me feel like I had a voice.

I couldn't tell you what the final straw was, but eventually I decided that I'd had enough of my problems at home, and I wrote in to the show.

I still have that letter, and I went back and forth about whether or not to read it while writing this story. I was afraid that it would be triggering. Curiosity won out, and I read my 20-year-old self's two-page plea for help. It was a polite, eloquent, scathing assessment of my father's issues that ended with these words:

I don’t know if there is anything you can do for us. I truly am afraid to contact you... However, I simply can’t continue living this life of lies.

Thank you so much for all that you do… your amazing show always gives me hope that I can persevere through any obstacle in my life!

I know that I must have been truly desperate to have sent that letter. I was terrified of my father. Breaking the code of silence that surrounds domestic violence is a huge no-no in abusive situations, and I'd gone and contacted a very powerful, influential person and laid out my father's dirty laundry for public consumption. It was like a death wish.

And then one day I got a call. The caller ID said that it was Paramount Studios.

It was a woman at the Dr. Phil show. They wanted to have us on.

I was terrified.

In that moment, I realized the severity of what I'd done. If my dad found out that I had contacted people and told them about our situation, let alone tried to parade his issues in front of the entire world, I was dead.

I can't remember if I spoke to that woman once or twice. She may have had me talk to my mom before calling back. Regardless of the timeline of events, I remember that my mom nixed the idea without a second thought, and that, shaking like a leaf on a tree, I told the Dr. Phil rep that everything was fine, that there was no problem anymore, and that we didn't want to be on the show. I quickly hung up, knowing that she knew every word I'd just spoken was a bald-faced lie.

Until my phone broke a couple weeks ago and I lost all of my contacts, I'd had that number saved for seven years. It was like a lifeline.

I get why we were picked—a family with nine daughters, one of whom alleges sordid secrets of addiction and abuse? What a show.

I told my sisters later on over the years. Every single one was appalled that I had written to Dr. Phil. I get why. Going on national TV and having our family's dirty laundry aired would have been mortifying (and kinda trashy). I'm glad we didn't do it.

But I can't say that I regret writing in. I got that call for a reason. I sent a letter describing my home life, and the Dr. Phil show thought that it was a serious enough situation to warrant their time and resources. They wanted to help me, and that at least made me feel somewhat protected and, more importantly, believed.

And it felt really good to be seen. For someone to know the truth. Whether Dr. Phil himself had seen my story or not, that woman at his show knew. She had read every word of my cry for help and knew more than anyone else in the world about what I had been through and how it had affected my life.

My father passed away last year. I loved him, but out of all my sisters, I had the worst relationship with him and have struggled the most with the trauma he inflicted. My mom says I need to let go of the past. My sisters say I exaggerate our childhood and that it wasn't really that bad. They think I have a victim complex.

I was a victim.

And Dr. Phil helped confirm that. When you grow up in a toxic environment, you think it's normal. As you get older, you start to question the way you were raised and if what you endured was acceptable. The Dr. Phil show validated my experiences and confirmed my suspicions that what I'd been through wasn't okay.

I went on to work in a domestic violence shelter and later attended law school with the intention of prosecuting child abuse cases. I've since chosen to distance myself from these kinds of triggers, but it felt good to assist others who had struggled with some of the same problems that I had.

Every family has issues. My family is an incredibly close and loving one. We have a great bond. A lot of people are worse off than we were, and plenty of kids experience far worse trauma and abuse than I did. But that didn't make what I went through okay.

Reading that letter was hard. It spelled out in black and white some of the worst experiences of my life.

But it also filled me with pride. It took courage for my 20-year-old self to speak up and ask for help. And going back and reading it today, I can see that not a single word of it is exaggerated. It's dramatically-written, of course; I've always had that writer's flair. But every word of it is a true representation of my experiences. It's physical proof that I haven't changed my story or misremembered things as worse than they really were.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have received the help that I needed had we gone on the show. Sometimes I think about writing in again, if only to give an update on my life and to thank them for their concern and willingness to help. I don't have to be afraid of a violent response anymore.

I'm grateful to the Dr. Phil show for hearing me. I reached out for help, and they answered. While I don't always agree with Phil McGraw's approaches or beliefs, I think that he's a good man with a good message, and I continue to enjoy watching his show on occasion.

If you're struggling with domestic violence, addiction, or mental health issues, here are some resources:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration:

Thanks for reading! Enjoy this video of Dr. Phil reading thirst tweets: