I want to be seen but no, not like that

I want to be seen but no, not like that. I don't want your eyes scanning me for potholes on pavement, for the sun on a cloudy day, for dents on your bumper. I want to be invisibly seen, or maybe I just want to be felt. Felt like potholes on pavement, making you bite your lip and curse. I want to be felt like the sun making a guest appearance on a cloud day; brightening up the gray in your life but only long enough to be appreciated. Things that stick around too long tend to become neglected. And I want to be those dents on your bumper you're too broke to fix; reminding you that the pain leaves scars. But you can always fix them, when you get the energy.

Sometimes I hide away from the world and melt into my bed for days. I complain that I feel invisible like that smell before the rain, but yet I isolate myself. I whine about being lonely like a theory without a scientist who cares enough to prove it, yet I melt and melt all alone. Because I guess I want to be seen, but no not like that.

Whenever someone asks me what business I do I fumble with my words. Mostly because I do a lot and to summarize everything feels insulting. But I know that too be seen, yes, like that, I need to be concise. So I say "It's a spiritual business" which can mean literally ANYTHING. And maybe I like confusion to be a tangled necklace on a determined persons neck. They'll get all the knots out, it will just take some time.

Maybe I enjoy traffic for the most part because it forces me to slow down, to be seen, yes like that. And to be felt. Mostly by impatient motorists who think going 15 above the speed limit is still too slow. Who think "Man, why is this car driving itself? And why is it driving SO SLOW". I wonder what people think when they look at me and just see a fashionable outfit. Or maybe they don't even see that.

I wrote three poetry books but haven't marketed them like that because I wanted to be seen, and yes, like that. I want people to find me, I think. I don't want to be the one searching for people to find me, I just want their heart to lead them to my presence. And this must be why I'm so bad at marketing. I think people who are excellent at creating a stream of buyers have mastered the art of being seen in the way I loathe.

So we all do things we hate in life and it makes me wonder if I need to solidify on top of my bed and shake hands with a stranger. The weird thing is, I love humanity but don't like people. If you put me in a large arena, I'll think "Wow there are so many people here gathered for the same event, How lovely". But if you put me in a small room I'll think " Wow there are too many people here gathered for the same event. What a drag."

I am not one to deny my contradicting dialogue with myself, but as Chiron said " To contradict is to exist". So when I feel like a shadow, a figment of someone's imagination, cloaked in invisibility, I think of all the ways I don't make sense and realize that I am not. Well, according to Chiron anyway. And maybe his word is as good as God's.