I never really fit in

I’ve never really fit in. I was always the nerdy kid with his nose stuck in a book reading the stories because I wished I was living those stories. I was the teenager who wore the black trenchcoat before it became infamous to do so, because it was a way to protect myself from all the jocks and preps who decided the geeky outsider needed to be picked on each day. Even as an adult, I find it hard to fit in. Forget small talk. I really don’t know do it all that well. With my conversations, we either go deep or I go home.

There are some people who will never quite fit in. They’ll always feel like they’re on the outside, looking in at all the other people and wondering what it is about them that makes it so much harder to connect and interact with people.

Here’s a little truth for you: What makes it so hard to connect with other people is that you are trying too hard!

Yep, you read that right.

You are trying too hard to fit in, trying too hard to figure out the social cues and nuances that will tell you that these people will accept you.

I know, because I’ve been you. I have sometimes tried so hard to fit in. I’ve been the person at the party, awkwardly hanging out in a corner, watching the other people talk and get drunk or whatever, and wondering how to have a conversation, especially when a lot of the time what I’m hearing just bores me.

I know that sounds harsh, but let’s be honest here. We’re not always going to click with the people around us and we don’t need to. When you can accept that fact, a lot of the stress you’re feeling around not fitting in will actually melt away, because you’ll realize you might simply be around the wrong crowd of people. And that’s not a judgment of those people or you. It’s simply a fact that you may not fit in because you haven’t found your people to hand out with.

When I realized that I needed to fit in with everyone around me, it took such a weight off my chest, because it liberated me to stop going to parties where I didn’t belong or doing other activities where I didn’t feel accepted. I stopped trying to so hard to fit in, because I accepted that I might just need to go looking for my community elsewhere.

I might even need to create my own community.

In fact, that’s exactly what I did and what I would encourage you to do.

Think about your interests for a moment.

What do you really enjoy doing?

What do you like talking about?

What gets you excited about life?

Answering those questions can help you start figuring out what you enjoy. Then start sharing those things with other people and pay attention to the people who respond and are interesting in what you’re sharing. Those are the people you want to talk with! Those are the people you want to do fun activities with! Those are the people you’ll fit in with!

Once you’ve identified those people, suggest getting together and doing something fun around your shared interests. Maybe you’ll do what I did and host a potluck and invite people over to have a salon about a specific topic of interest. Or put together a game night. I always love game nights because I get to play board games with friends and we have fun cracking jokes and being the complete geeks and nerds we truly are.

In your case, maybe it’s doing a karaoke night or organizing a hike or overnight camping trip. Whatever it is you enjoy, you can find other people who enjoy it as well. When you find those people, do those activities and you’ll find that you fit right in, and it won’t be hard, because you won’t feel awkward. You won’t be trying to fit in. You’ll just fit in and have fun. Best of all, you’ll have found your community of people to hang out with.

Here’s one final tip for you.

I know its clichéd, but just be yourself. Being yourself takes a bit of work. You have to get comfortable with you and that’s not always easy to do, especially if like me, you never felt like you fit in.

What I did, which helped out immensely, was start paying attention to how I interacted with other people. Specifically I paid attention to what I liked about myself in those interactions. For example, I discovered that I actually have a very dry sense of humor that people seem to genuinely enjoy. When I noticed that about myself, I started becoming more confident about expressing that humor. The more I expressed my sense of humor, the easier it became for me to do it and enjoy it and my interactions with people.

You can do the same thing. Pay attention to what you like about yourself when you interact with other people. Then let yourself flow into that interaction. You’ll discover, quickly, that it becomes easier and easier for you to become confident with yourself, and other people because you’ll like who you are and how you show up. A big part of fitting in is actually accepting yourself, and you can only do that when you start to celebrate who you are and what makes you the unique person you are. You’ll find the people who accept you when you learn to accept and celebrate yourself.