I'm Off My Meds and I Feel Like Crap
This is how my ADHD feels without medication
It seems like just yesterday that it was confirmed that I have ADHD. Ok. It was only a few months ago.
I've know it for a few years though. It just took me that long to do something about it; to talk to my doctor about it. It didn't help that he kind of blew it off as not a big deal. But I expected that.
Why? Because I'm 51 years old and everyone tells me how well I manage things. How well I managed having a drug/alcohol addicted teenager. How well, I managed having a teenager with a baby. How well I managed having a sick husband. How well I managed his death.
The thing is, I didn't tell people how unwell I was. I didn't tell people how bad I was at taking care of my own health. I went for years with fairly serious diabetes and never did a thing about it because I was too busy worrying about everyone else.
I finally got a referral to a therapist and got enough of a diagnosis to start medication. I tried to avoid the medication for a long time but finally, I had to admit that I was not coping well with anything.
I started on medication a few months ago and honestly - it's been great. Now that I don't feel like there's a mid-day traffic jam in my head all the time with no stop signs or traffic lights working, I actually get things done. I don't panic over the little things. I write and I even remember the laundry I put in the washing machine. Well, most of the time!
But right now, I'm not doing so great. I moved and I can't find my meds. I know they are in one of these boxes! It's been several days and I can see myself falling back into old habits. I'm not sleeping right. I can't focus on anything (even writing this is taking more work than it should). And I'm procrastinating.
I can hear the horns honking in my head and it just distracts me from whatever I should be paying attention to.
I know I need to find my meds so I can get things sorted out again. It's not just my ADHD meds but my diabetes meds, too. My blood sugar is likely completely out of control. And I know that's not a good thing.
The thing is, I know it is a simple solution. Unpack my stuff and I'm going to come across all my medications sooner or later, right? The problem is that when you have ADHD noting is as simple as just doing the thing. Even though you know that once you start it isn't going to be a big deal, your brain says, "Hey, just check TikTok first. There's no rush."
So, you do that. And pretty soon a couple hours have gone by and your phone is almost dead and it's almost time for lunch so you should likely eat first. You eat and then you're full so your brain says "Hey, just let your tummy rest a bit before you do any heavy lifting. And your phone has charged up a bit so go see what's up on Facebook."
So, you do that. Then a couple hours later, the phone is dead again and you haven't even brought one box in from the car. But it's getting dark so you might as well just get a fresh start tomorrow.
I know now that I am not doing it intentionally. But it still makes me mad and makes me feel useless. If I could just get motivated...
The thing is, I am motivated. My brain just doesn't work the same way yours does and motivation is not enough.
Tomorrow I will get at it right away, as soon as I am up. Really, I will!
About the Creator
Danielle McGaw
Freelance writer | More about me here: http://dani.space
Sex | Dating | Relationships | Mental Health | Self | Fiction
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