I'm Not Sad. I'm Depressed.

I’m not sad, I’m depressed.

Those that have never experienced depression, don’t understand how they aren’t the same and those that know, know. Depression is different for each person and it affects everyone differently but one thing rings true to anyone that has ever found themselves depressed: it doesn’t mean you’re sad.

Yes, sadness can occur during depression but being depressed and being sad is not the same thing and you can’t just cheer up from depression. It’s mental, it’s physical, it’s emotional and it’s exhausting. No two people suffer from depression the same way and no two will cope the same, either. Like anxiety, depression is personal and every person has their own experience with it. I know some people get to live their entire life without even knowing what depression feels like. They may get sad and they may have moments of sadness but unlike depression; they can cheer up from it.

I have depression and it’s a battle when it occurs but it’s not something that affects me every single day of my life. It comes and it goes and sometimes, I can catch it and nip it in the bud before it becomes full-blown. Sometimes, I can’t. I know when I am depressed and I can feel all of it. I can feel that I look different. I can feel that I’m acting differently. I can feel that I’m not actually feeling at all. I'm numb. Depression makes me numb and it makes me feel everything.

When I get depressed, I feel like I can’t do the things that I need to do and that the things that I want to do will never get done. I feel like I’m not enough, while also, being too much. I feel like everyone is against me and no matter how right I am, I’m wrong. It’s a constant mental battle that then trickles into my emotions. I become angry and irritated. I become bleak and monotone. I don’t make jokes and I don’t light up a room. I dull. I dim. I darken. It’s a sad time but I’m not sad, I’m depressed.

I don’t stay depressed for too long, usually, a few days to maybe a week but it’s a hard time when I’m depressed and my family can tell. My husband does all he can to help and he’s amazing. He doesn’t understand depression because he’s never had it but he helps so fucking much! If I'm manic, he takes me shopping. If I'm emotional, he holds me. If I'm overwhelmed, he takes the load. He is just perfect and he doesn’t even know it. Having someone try to understand something for you is literally the best medicine. He shows me that I do mean something and depression tries to hide my meaning. He shows me that my emotions are valid and depression tries to make me feel irrational. He shows me that I’m smart and strong while depression tries to give me a false sense of failure. He’s my cure and I never even knew it.

I would never wish depression on anyone and if you suffer from it, then you have to agree. It’s a feeling of feelings that no one should feel and it can really do a number on anyone. If you love someone with depression, just try. And if you felt this whole article in your heart, I feel you. I am you. I know the struggle and I know how hard it can be. I also know how amazing it is when you become so self-aware that you can see that dark cloud rising and although it may block your sun for a moment... it doesn’t get to live above your head because you are bigger than your depression. You are bigger than any of your problems. Do not let them define you! I don’t.