I'm just looking for the way out.
Is this intuition?
A week or so ago I was sitting outside in my yard in a quiet meditation. Feeling the cold grass on my thighs and hands, the breeze cutting through the stifling heat is just so nice.. ya'll know it's been hot this summer. I've been meditating on how to grow spiritually for months now. Thinking about how my Atheist upbringing, Christian late teens and 20s, Buddhist research and practice, and all the drugs in between; How none of them filled me. Nothing so far made me feel free, happy, whole. My husband is amazing, my son is just perfect, and our cats are my loves. I thought having my own world put together and functioning after coming out of addiction would free me. I thought being sober would free me. I thought I had a higher power that was freeing me through these painful transformative life events. So why do I feel alone? And the universe answered.
April 20 2021 is the last day I got high. I relapsed a week before that, had a nice run and then I realized somehow that I had lost my humanity. I'd been cycling between sobriety and binge using hard stimulants for 3 years but this time was different. I've struggled with self esteem and self worth forever. It's a part of me. But this was a different type of low. You cant be a crack head and a good Mother. It just doesn't work that way. I was my mother. My boy deserves more and somehow I was suddenly ready to provide it. The next day while washing dishes the realization that I needed to stand up hit me so hard and clearly I broke down and cried on the kitchen floor. How had I been that mother? How much did he see that I though I was hiding? The generational trauma that I swore would stop with me was obviously harder to stop than I thought. The thoughts in my head were mine but not mine. Motherly but stern and full of ugly truth. Something in me just wanted to be outside. So I went out in the rain and laid under the only tree in our yard and just lost myself in the sharp, cold raindrops hitting my face. They felt like little needle pricks. I just needed to feel them, really feel them. They were cleansing, each drop bringing clarity to my soul and filling me with the love and acceptance that only a higher power can. I could literally feel a bubble of security growing around me and a thought to just allow the rain to wash me clean. That was something bigger than me without a bit of doubt.
But I cant wrap my head around the idea of the old man in the sky. Organized religion just isn't for me. So what was that? I felt it. I know it was real. So I started reading anything on spirituality. When searching online for some insight into old pagan ways I found a book on Witchcraft. All about energy workings and using intention in prayer or ritual to make the magick stronger. I figured hey, lets try it. Now I know that when sitting in meditation I can cast a circle of protection. I've been able to manipulate my own energy and to replicate the cleansing I felt that night under the tree. I've been working with elemental magick, lunar magick, Eclectic Witch is the popular title. Oh man... if my Daddy heard me call myself a Witch... But you know what? I am a Witch. I AM A WITCH. I feel the Moon and all the Cosmos, the Earth, the Air, Water and Fire. Each of them representing a different part of myself.
So, as I sat there in meditation I thought "Tell your story, no one will believe it anyway". So I signed up for therapy. More doctors to be shocked at the level of trauma I've experienced in my lifetime. More medication to calm the anxiety and panic attacks. .... I dont want the therapy. I keep seeing ads for Vocal on Facebook and thinking it sounded kinda cool. A platform to tell my story, empty my head of these thoughts sounded great. But that self esteem/self worth issue. Then I was watching youtube, a channel I really enjoy by a spiritual teacher and she said "BE VOCAL. Just tell your story".
Now look, I realize she was talking to the thousands of people who are subscribed to her channel, I'm not that person. I have never been the "fan" type; you know, the whole "She was talking to me I just know it, the stars aligned and the earth and moon blah blah blah ITS MY DESTINY.....". I'd rather strangle that person than be her. ugh. But it made me stop the video and think about it. Then this morning I was playing with a tarot deck. Just shuffling and pulling random cards to get a feel of the deck, it's brand new. Every card I pulled referenced new beginnings, finding your voice, speaking your truth and facing your fears. Jumping into the unknown of a new path in life with fearless enthusiasm. So... Here i am. Signed up for Vocal, writing my first story and hoping I find some freedom in this. The brain damage and nerve damage I caused from my heavy use years ago is obvious now that I'm completely sober. My hands barely work, my legs are so weak I need help to walk, I cant remember anything... I've reread this 5 times now because I forget what I'm talking about. I just want to feel a little more weight lift. Maybe dumping my thoughts on a anonymous profile will provide me that peace. I don't remember natural highs, I've been pumping myself full of Meth, Cocaine, Crack, Adderall, Heroin, Opioids, Nicotine and Caffeine..... I lived off of redbull, cigarettes, and cocaine for years. I just needed to have enough substances in my system to numb out the emotions was running from. Remembering my past was too much. Now I'm sober and desperate for relief again, overwhelmed with the fact that I've most likely permanently damaged my nervous system through multiple overdoses and IV stimulants. The damage I did stabbing around with syringes trying to find the blood return is just ... It gets to the point of obsession; frantic jabbing; Just one more. JUST ONE MORE. I dont want that feeling, but man I'd love to run. I won't use, I've come too far.
As of today I've been completely clean from all hard drugs and alcohol for 4 months and 26 days. I dropped Nicotine just a week ago, Caffeine 2 days ago. The higher power I've found isn't mainstream for sure. It's frowned upon. I've already been told I'm burning in hell. But I promise that me appreciating the earth and nature and the universe, all of existence, is the last thing on my list of sins. I feel Lilith, Magdalene, Brighid.. the Divine Feminine. That makes me feel stronger, in control of my own space. And I'm fairly sure that through my intuition I've been led here. To purge and recover from the abuse I've endured, most of which was self destruction. Maybe just maybe Ill find some true peace. So regardless of what anyone else thinks I'm going to tell my story. Most of my truth being told for the first time. I will speak unapologetically. If you dont like what I have to say dont read it.