Why Can't You Just Be Quiet?!
I usually lay out a rough draft after some sloppy brain dumping before typing out my stories. This time the feelings are so raw right now I think I'll just dump it here.
As the Earth stands strong and firm, As the Air flows free, As Fire transforms all it touches, As Water washes clean, So shall Spirit always be;
First Taste of Fear Part 2
This is the second nightmare of mine Im sharing. My mom... I wanted her there. I would've given anything to be enough for her. She just couldn't. Some people don't know what it means to sacrifice for anyone/anything even their children. I still don't quite understand what she was doing that was so much better. I know she likes stupid men. But so do I haha. It's not funny but that shits funny. Whatever. It runs in the family I guess. More on this in later stories. For now, onto my dream.
First Taste of Fear
My first memories revolve around a set of nightmares I had as a very young child. My childhood wasn't the worst, but my parents were not ready. My dad was a violent alcoholic. I've heard various rumors about drug abuse but he's never confirmed it. My mother just can't keep her hands off shit that isn't hers. More stories of them are coming. Y'all won't believe some of the things I have to share I'm sure. My first 3 years were full of violence and craziness. Then at 3 my mom was arrested and I was sent to live with my maternal grandparents who raised me. They tried.
I'm just looking for the way out.
A week or so ago I was sitting outside in my yard in a quiet meditation. Feeling the cold grass on my thighs and hands, the breeze cutting through the stifling heat is just so nice.. ya'll know it's been hot this summer. I've been meditating on how to grow spiritually for months now. Thinking about how my Atheist upbringing, Christian late teens and 20s, Buddhist research and practice, and all the drugs in between; How none of them filled me. Nothing so far made me feel free, happy, whole. My husband is amazing, my son is just perfect, and our cats are my loves. I thought having my own world put together and functioning after coming out of addiction would free me. I thought being sober would free me. I thought I had a higher power that was freeing me through these painful transformative life events. So why do I feel alone? And the universe answered.