I'm Alive

I woke up and chose to feel alive today.

For so long I have been comfortable in the shadows that have been cast by my mental instability. Those shadows became my home, and I quickly felt solace while shrouded in their void. As I lived in the shadows, parts of me started to numb and melt away, a complete thaw of a freezer filled with emotions and basic human wants and needs.

Everything I once loved was now something I had no more passion for. Things that had once been like a life-long friend to me, became that of a stranger. Things became empty to me, and I had no idea why I ever loved them in the first place. I had simply forgotten what it was to love something so simple as even coloring a page in a coloring book.

My bed was my safe place. Regardless that the sun rose every day and begged me to come out and play, I did no such thing. It was easier to crawl back under that warm, plush blanket and forget the world was wide-awake and in working order. But not me... I was not in "working order".

Things that were once vivid in color became dull. Before I knew it, I was living in a world that was black and white while everyone else was enjoying pinks, purples, blues, and greens of all hues and spectrums. But I didn't care. Not anymore. My bed had become my casket; my room, my tomb. I wasn't living anymore. Regardless that blood still pumped furiously throughout my circulatory system, I was dead in every other sense of the word. Dead to my friends and family, dead to the colors of the world, dead to emotion and feelings, but most of all, dead to me.

But today, I woke up and saw the sun peeking through the blinds. For once in a long time, I saw a yellow light. Not a dull, white light. I sat up and pushed my plush blanket to the side. I felt the air caress my leg. It felt different than it had. I looked around and saw the mess I had been living in and felt a feeling of disgust. Disgust - I hadn't felt that in a while.

I slinked out of my bed and limply picked up a few things and tossed them into a nearby trash can. That felt... some type of way, but I didn't know what the feeling was exactly, but I liked it. I grabbed a few more things - dirty clothes - and tossed them into a basket. Okay. This is doing something. Before I knew it, there was a clear path on my floor. I could see my carpet. It was red. Red?! I was gazing upon a bright, vivid red. Not gray, or black, or white, but RED! I blinked a few times, rubbing my eyes in disbelief. I started to look around and notice more colors.

I stood to my feet and fixed the pile of blankets and clothes that were strewn all about my queen-sized bed. It looked neat, tidy. I felt that feeling again, the one that I couldn't identify when I picked up the trash and disposed of it. Whatever it was, it felt good. I went and took a shower. The water was warm as it ran down my skin, like tiny rivers and streams that were washing away the dull that had become my life. I swear when I had gotten out of that shower, I had a new skin on my body. No longer lifeless and dull, but almost glowing. I rummaged through some drawers and found a new body butter I had received for Christmas, but I tossed it aside and never so much as opened it. I twisted off its lid and instantly smelt its aroma. It was fruity, yet flowery and clean. I slathered it on my body - it felt luxurious.

I went to my closet and picked out the brightest, and loudest colors of clothing I could find and put them on. I was on a roll! I wandered through my house and found my way to the front door. As I placed my hand on the doorknob, I felt another feeling wash over me... I began to tremble, my breathing became more rapid. A slight panic started to kick in. No. No, not today! I had already come so far. So I took a deep breath, held it in, and turned that doorknob as fast as one could turn a doorknob! I lept past the threshold that was the door to my own personal mausoleum.

I felt the sunlight hit my face. I could smell the air. I could feel the breeze. I could hear birds chirping. I had come back from the dead. My eyes began to well up as I came to this realization. I was alive and it felt immaculate.

I woke up today and chose to be alive today.

Just because it gets dark in our minds sometimes doesn't mean we need to dwell there for eternity. No matter how bad it is, we must remember that it is never permanent. All things are temporary and fleeting, so wake up, feel alive, and just be thankful you're still breathing. The world will love you for it.