I Just Can't Forget

1987 I was 17 years old. It was going to be a typical day, so I thought.

The day was sunny and come afternoon; I had a friend come to my house to visit.

We were hanging out in my room as kids do, listening to music and talking nothing much going on. Within moments my door was kicked in, my friend and I were standing not far from behind the door when it flung open, and standing in the doorway was my dad holding a riffle to my forehead, he said "I will give you 60 seconds to run before I pull the trigger. Time stood still in that moment that felt like an eternity.

My friend looked at me, I then looked at my dad he had the evilest face. I had ever seen such evil in my life, it looked like someone had taken over his face, it completely changed. I pushed him aside, and we ran, our lives depended on it. My friend just got her licence as she was just a bit older she got in her car and drove away from my house. Me, I ran like no tomorrow to another block in our estate where my auntie lived, I ran to get help as I left my mum and brother there, I had No idea if they were dead or alive.

My uncle rang the police, and they went to the house immediately and arrested dad. Soon after the arrest, he was placed into a psychiatric facility and diagnosed with Multiple Personality Schizophrenia Disorder

Dad stayed in the facility for only six months and set free. As you could imagine, I have had one hell of a life. He used to stalk Mum, write ridiculous diaries and notes that you would think you were reading a Hollywood script. accusations towards my mother claiming she slept with all his brothers and all her brother - inlaws she has a few mind you, followed her around town, to work everywhere. e also did not believe that my brother, (his son), was his, because he has blue eyes and blonde hair, yet I had blonde hair but brown eyes, german runs in dads heritage so my brother got lucky with some german DNA. He was allowed to self medicate, so as you can imagine he took it when he felt like it. It was obvious when he wasnt medicated because he hated the world and everyone in it. Dad was always right and everyone around him in the world was crazy and he was the only sane person living. The things in his head that he believes is real and he thinks it happened are stories that are out of this world. Psychiatrists even find it hard to comprehend what he is saying, as I said the stories are out of this world. Mum tried to commit suicide several times to try and escape him, and the life she had with him, thank god it did not work we would have been in foster care. Dad was an interstate truck driver which was good but bad, it was good that it took him away, but bad in the way he was alone with an enormous amount of time to think. Now in the present time, he has Parkinson's Disease and is in an Aged Care Facility. I can not forget this day I wake up like it happened yesterday and I am 50 years old, and live with this day on a day to day basis, no amount of help you get the memories do not fade. dad now has I would say not much time left, but I get so angry that he doesn't remember what he has done, and he can't be accountable for his actions, but yet I have to suffer daily and still care for him now. Most people would have turned there back, but I can't do it, it's not in my heart to let him live the remainder of his life alone. I do believe Parkinson's disease is his Karma, though. dad is now in High Care, wheelchair-bound, cannot dress, cannot toilet himself, can hardly feed himself, I do all his running around for him out in the real world, his brain is still in full operation, its only a matter of time.

I am sometimes at conflict with myself, should I pity him? when I say l love you, my words are empty, I FEEL SAD BUT HAPPY, which is my conflict. I know more than anyone how hard it is to live a life with someone that has a mental illness, ironically iI ended up in a marriage and felt like I lived my mum's life all over again but at that time it was me going through the abuse with a mentally ill husband, it took me 8 years to leave this abusive marriage