I Got 99 Problems but My Kid's G.P.A. Isn't One

The work I do all day every day exposes me to a side of the world that is not pretty. At my nonprofit, FAVOR Greenville, we deal with all people in need, including those who are not immediately willing to change and we see the worst aspect of substance use disorder. We are knee deep in the country's deaths of despair epidemic.

Figure One below displays trends in crude death rates going back to 1900.3 Mortality from deaths of despair fell dramatically between 1907 and 1920, rose during the 1920s, and reversed that increase during the 1930s and early 1940s. Deaths of despair then rose from the mid-1950s to the mid-1970s and stabilized before skyrocketing after 2000. In 2000, there were 22.7 deaths of despair per 100,000 Americans—not that different from the 1970 rate of 21.5. By 2017, the rate had doubled to 45.8 per 100,000. Source: Deaths of Despair and Its Components, 1900-2017, Crude Rates Source: Social Capital Project analyses of CDC data. For details, see the appendix. (4 | Social Capital Project. Full report/link here.)

About 14 months ago I helped start a very ambitious and innovative technology platform called youturn.net. youturn.net is a learning management system that provides evidence informed psycho-education and skill building to support individuals and families who are struggling with substance use disorder and mental health concerns. youturn.net has provided me with an even more comprehensive look at the ENTIRETY of substance use disorders. We partner with enterprises, corporations, healthcare systems, insurance companies and other institutions. These customers distribute the content to employees, patients, clients and their family members. This gives us access to a large group of people who would never be seen in traditional settings (therapist offices, rehab, 12-step meetings etc...).

I also support the corporate enterprise space with my employee assistance company; Wellness Partners Group (WPG). WPG forces me to look even deeper. Clinical case openings and consultation with Human Resource departments provides additional data surrounding behavioral health concerns.

It's very clear. Substance misuse and mental health issues are more pervasive and destructive than meets the eye. Things look good on the outside, however, its another story on the inside. It's deeply disturbing when you hear about suicide, overdose, and other preventable deaths on a WEEKLY basis.

This year, I keep hearing "no one saw it coming." Suicide and overdose among those who are deemed "high functioning" prompts such comments. Any overdose and/or suicide is tragic. These high functioning deaths are more puzzling at first glance.

This experience makes the “normal” worries of the world seem silly. For example, parents obsessed with their kids "success."

However, what if seemingly inconsequential issues contribute to the above mentioned deaths of despair among the "high functioning" group. Helicopter parenting is just one example.

Of course, the pressure to perform may not be good for the kid either. See this NY Times Article for a good exploration of modern parenting.

TOO BUSY, TOO MUCH, ALWAYS ON!

We work at a frenetic pace. To try to pay the bills.

We purchase at a frenetic pace to try to feel better about ourselves.

And then we work more.

So that we can buy more.

“We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.”—Ed Norton: Fight Club

Do we parent at a frenetic pace so we can feel adequate and prove ourselves to others?

People get obsessed with their kid's future. Obsessed with the outcome of a nine year old kid's flag football game. Obsessed with their daughter's grade in science class—a grade that means nothing in the big picture. Obsessed with what college the kid gets into. Obsessed with the standard model of success.

Todd Rose and Ogi Ogas name the obsession with success the standardization covenant in their new book Dark Horse:

1. Go to school.
2. Behave yourself and follow authority figure directions.
3. Get good grades and excel at some type of extra-curricular activities.
4. Graduate from high school.
5. Get into a "good college."
6. Graduate from college.
7. Get a good job. Preferably as a doctor, lawyer or engineer.

People get jammed up about all this formula for success. They are drowning in tasks and expectations (real or imagined).

But these are actually relatively trivial issues. Your kid will survive even if he or she doesn't get into Harvard.

The better question: Will you survive if they don't get into Harvard?

There are really significant problems in this world. People are dealing with real suffering. However, "what’s your kid's GPA" or "what frat should your kid join" DO NOT MAKE THE LIST.

It not that significant a concern in the big picture.

ATHLETICS ARE A WINDOW INTO THIS UBER-PARENT WORLD:

I coach an AYSO soccer team. For the record, I absolutely suck as a soccer coach. No one else would volunteer. There would be no team, so I stepped up and volunteered to coach. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing.

There are parents who are obsessed with the drills we do (or don’t do) because their kid needs to maximize his potential. They text me concerned about this or that drill. It's obvious this is a problem that goes beyond my team. I know this type of over-involvement is a universal issue because the AYSO league had a "parent training day". This training day was meant to teach us how to cheer and act responsibly at games and practice.

American Youth Soccer Association (AYSO) HAD TO TEACH PARENTS THE APPROPRIATE WAY TO CHEER!

Seriously? Your kid is just a kid. He's not a future World Cup Star. By the way I’m sure many World Cup Stars suck at life. There is nothing impressive about a great athlete other than running and jumping and kicking etc... Doesn't mean the athlete is a good person.

Back in the day, I used to be that sports obsessed, ex-athlete, "never reached my potential" dude. I cringe when I think about me 15 years ago. I was fooled by the standardization covenant.

IN THE MEANTIME:

Suicides, overdoses, and deaths of despair continue to escalate. There are many reasons for this rise in deaths.

For example, unprecedented deadly drugs have become commonplace. There are also segments of society which live in despair due to poverty, violence, racism, and a long history of inter-generational trauma. People living in poverty aren't concerned about the standardization covenant. They are dying deaths of despair for more basic reasons.

There are also shifting attitudes toward suicide being "acceptable". This certainly contributes:

... an analysis of changes in attitudes from the 1982-86 period to the 2010-16 period...found that the share of Americans age 18 or older who said people have the right to end their lives in the case of an incurable disease rose from 46.9 percent to 61.4 percent. The percentage who said that being “tired of living and ready to die” was a reasonable rationale for suicide jumped from 13.7 percent to 19.1 percent. And roughly 11 percent of Americans in the later period said that suicide was acceptable during a financial bankruptcy or if one had “dishonored” one’s family — up from about 7 percent, in both cases.

See the entire article for more on changing societal attitudes on suicide.

It is clear, however that the pressure of the "standardization covenant" contributes to despair. If you don't live up to your potential you are a failure. Apparently, this now extends to your kids. If your kids don't live up to the standard model of success the parents are failures.

Essentially, we have to extend Rose and Ogas' standardization covenant even further:

After you get a good job (and have a perfect wedding that costs $50,000).

1. Have kids of your own.
2. Send them to school.
3. Obsess on your kids’ school career, athletic career, college selection (It's as if you never left school—perpetually in middle school).
4. Work (double income preferred) so that you can pay for more stuff so your kid is not a social outcast.
5. Check your social media feed to see where your family stands.
6. Get some debt to cover that "senior trip." We don't want anyone left out.
7. Check the feed again...
8. Maybe host a party with all their friends (so they can drink safely in the basement) and be the cool parent. That may help raise status?
9. Check your feed until you can say... "ahh... we are doing better than they are."
10. Xanax, opioids, little "medical" marijuana, and some wine, and eventually some sleep...
11. Rise and repeat tomorrow...

What is going on out here?

The stuff you think is important... It’s all false... and it’s destroying people. You will have enough "real problems" in your life. There will be health concerns. Financial concerns out of your control. You will lose loved ones.

Where you, and your family, stand in the eyes of this artificial world is an extra burden you shouldn't bother to bear.

I’m done with the "standardization covenant." Don’t look to me and my kids to follow a script. Especially this horror movie script.