I Finally Healed From Depression

Happy people are all alike, and unhappy people unhappy in their own ways. Some people grew up ignorant and thought-free, and some grew up depressive. It was 2009, when my friends asked me what happened, and I cannot believe it myself that I admitted, I'm depressive. It is not only me, but many people cannot ease the burden easily. When an accumulation of simple event caused discomfort, it feels like life hits me hard. Then unpleasant emotions (fear, dissapoinment, shame, grief, despair) dominating, our mind freaks out and rises out dark thoughts about what's been happened leads to what's gonna happen. It is like an pop-up adds when we cannot close the window and we simply cannot control them. The mind doesn't stop there, it thinks about an escape. An escape from the truth: gulping ISSR, alcohol, religion extrimism, sex, shopping, harm someone, and even suicide, as Nietzsche said 'letting the death enter freely'.

Nevertheless, my escape doesn't erase the truth easily. It's like a huge cumulonimbus cloud: it is always there and accompany us during awake and sleep. I'm not feeling blue, I'm feeling black. Johann Hari wrote 'Lost Connections' during the prozac age, when the pharmacy companies advertise depression is caused by low serotonin level in individuals, and the answer is to consume serotonin-repairment medications. It turns out that the placebo vs depression medication resulted in similar manner. Hence, I realize ISSR does not help, it just made my dose and my weight increase in similar manner.

For 10 years, depression thinks I'm her best friend. People always say about healing meditation, I thought it was a cult until I learn from my guru, Ayya Khema in Sri Lanka. Her teaching is somehow more logical, by giving premises and reasonings, compared to more practical Thích Nhất Hạnh and Pema Chödrön, ironic Anthony de Mello SJ, and more comical Ajahn Brahm. Ayya's explanation suits me better since she explained the 'why' and the means not the ends of mindfulness which makes me feel proud of every single breath I could concentrate.

Here's some points I have learned from Ayya:

• Meditation helps us to become mindfull, meaning, the body syncrhonize with the mind. Guru says, we live without living, our physical body might be at some place or point of time, but our thoughts keep thinking something, i.e. future, work, fear, past, etc.
• During meditation, we face our restless mind and train mind to focus. I think it is like training a dog. Only the self and the mind, we train them to focus and live in the moment.
• Everything that moves create friction, including the thoughts. When the mind can put it, only mind can remove it. One single breath is meaningful to remove the dirt in our mind.
• Arising thoughts teach us about ouselves. Label them and go back to concentrate on breath. When we have a set of labels, we understand ourselves better by immersing at ourself.
• When we learn about loving kindness towards other creatures into our heart, the ego has to step aside because there is not enough room. I learn that everyone struggles and suffers, not only me. The world doesn't revolve around me.
• Meditation helps us to live better: when a dark thought arises, we learn how to drop them, by living in the moment.

During the dark times and depression took control, I can relate Buddha's meditation with Stoicism and what Pyrrho the sceptics say about happiness, "Unhappiness arises from not getting what you want. But you cant know anything is better than anything else", and the right attitude is recognizing that nothing matters, and I have been learning to be free from all worry. I practice meditative minds not to heal anything, but simply to aware that I live. Living with my body and mind, and it is weird that tranquility is only state of mind. Finally, I don't have to travel to Sri Lanka and Nepal or to the unknown forest to seek peace and freedom. The answer is within.