I changed my world: so he did too

The Phonecall

March 2008, it's a little passed midnight and I'm sat in a friends house, trying to get high with the fierce daggers of said ex ticking for another joint and some how holding me responsible for his lack there of. It was 'dry season' in my city and we had spent the day looking for some kush and still came out dry. I had one last idea. I text my old school friend and asked if she knew anyone who could hook me up. She did. She gave me the number of someone she was in cooking with at college. Liam.

Just tell him I gave you his number, he will be cool.

So with that, I said thanks and passed his number to my ex. Now a little backstory about this ex. He was a 6ft 2, alcoholic, coke head that just happened to help me when I first met him as I was going through a rough patch in my young teenage life. He set me on a bad path but I'm thankful that relationship only lasted 7 months. After endless nights of him with his hands around my throat or trying to kick me out of a window, I was looking for a time to escape.

I finally found the window I wanted to go out of.

Now my ex always had an attitude with people he didn't know, so when he was met with a resounding:

I don't sell I just smoke it

He was a little pissed and gave his usual attitude. Needless to say this guy on the other end of the phone was a little pissed and with that, the conversation was cut short. Me being the person I was felt it necessary to message this guy and profusely apologise for my dickhead ex's shortcomings. Now I refer to him as my ex but let me make clear at the time he was unfortunately still my boyfriend. However, that night we decided a break was exactly what we needed.

And so it began.

The Connection

Me and Liam started messaging frequently. My ex was staying at his mums and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could breathe again. I started drinking less and loving myself more. I had my friends over again and I partied until I could party no more.

Then he messaged to meet.

Do you want to meet somewhere? Yours or mine maybe?

After finding out we lived only a few minutes from each other it seemed like destiny was at least trying to give me the push to move forward, so I messaged my ex and made him officially that before replying to Liam.

Yes sure. Come to mine, my address is...

I just want to clarify, I don't have a habit of giving my address out by text to people I haven't met. But, because this guy knew my long time friend from school. I felt safe.

We arranged to meet the next day and after 50 abusive texts from my ex I changed my number, messaged Liam and met him the next day. We decided to meet at the park down the road but the nerves got to us both so he came to mine instead. My life changed forever that day and I still remember the day I met him like it was yesterday.

Liam rang the doorbell and I jumped up and down on my bed like a little girl. I just need to point out at this point I am 16 but I live in a bedsit and I work two jobs. I'd had a good childhood but a complicated last couple of years, so I became dependent on myself and I was learning to live. I had invited my friend of many years over, just for a little support and I remember her giggly words as he walked down the path to the house.

Omg he's fit.

And indeed he was. I had instant butterflies and as corny as it may sound, I felt an instant connection with him.

Racing down the stairs, I straightened my skirt, took a deep breath and opened the door. I couldn't hide my smile as his big blue eyes met mine. He was leaning to the left of the brick surrounding the door, pulling his headphones out of his ears and wrapping them around his Walkman phone. He was wearing a Ccamo jacket, jeans and a pair of brown leather trainers. He had light stubble with the greatest potential for a future beard and a Bench hat with a little peak. He smiled and I melted.

After that first meeting, we went on our first date a couple of weeks later. Nothing to serious, just a get together with a few of his and a few of my friends at our local pub. We drank too much, danced and sang the night away before going back to his. He still lived with grandparents at the time but he was sensible and hadn't wanted to leave the nest so soon. He had a difficult relationship with his mum but after a few stories I could see why.

That night was make or break for us.

Make or Break

Lying on his bed, we embraced, kissed and just explored each other for hours. It was a magical and slightly drunken experience but we had met a few times before that night so I was proud in my easy youth days I had waited.

Then I heard my name.

It was 2am in the morning and even through my drunken state I recognised that voice. It was my ex. He had found me and how I do not know but he had. Liam went to his window and told him I wasn't there, just like I had asked him too. At this point, my ex came across as the loving and worried boyfriend just wanting me to be safe. This made me angry and I went to get up but he disappeared down the road. Finally. But it wasn't the end.

Five minutes or so later the doorbell rang. It was that friend who's house I had been at the night we rang Liam to get high.

Kay, he's just worried about you, so am I are you ok?

I felt utterly betrayed and fiercly angry. How fucking dare she say she's worried about me. I had been discreet about how abusive my ex was sure but she knew some things and she knew how suffocating he was towards me. I told her I was fine and to tell the ex the same. I also explained how he had gone to his mums weeks before now and shouldn't even be here. I had officially ended it with him.

At this point, Liam's nan had woken up and to say I was embarassed and ashamed is an understatement.

The next few months were a whirlwind of problems and restrictions for us both. We were both very young and insecure and life just found a way to piss us both off. Most people would have called it a day at this point but we felt something was there so we pushed forward.

Travelling

We ended up travelling around England in search of work before we got our first job together in Liphook. This is where the next 5 years would be made and how my nightmares became a reality.

After a late night Halloween party after work at Liphook, Liam hadn't been feeling well so he'd stayed in bed for the night before coming down towards the end, to say hello and get something to eat from the kitchen. Just a side note here, we worked in a 2 million pound restaurant as a Chef; Liam and a Kitchen Porter; me, so we had access to the kitchen at all hours and the glorious food. King prawns with sweet chilli was our favourite midnight snack, that and chicken and bacon mixed sandwiches.

As Liam started lowering the prawns into the fryer, I could sense distain on his face so I went over and asked him what was up. Now he hadn't been down long but in the short 40 minutes or so that he was, he had downed several pints and became a little more drunk than he usually would.

You flirting with that dickhead out there.

I just looked at him in disbelief. I hadn't been flirting, just laughing and joking with a few people. I tried to tell him this but of course he wasn't having any of it and after a heated argument, he did something I never thought he would.

He hit me.

I was utterly heartbroken and I felt completely alone. Over 100 miles away from home, I had left an abusive ex and made bed with this guy who I believed was the love of my life and he had the nerve to place his hands on me. I went to bed, cried, cried some more and then eventually fell asleep. I woke up the next day to a knock at the door. It was my boss, she wondered if everything was ok after hearing from other staff about the commotion from the night before. I had a noticable mark on my face so I told her the truth. She was angry but I made every excuse and she dropped it.

That night was the first of many for the next few years and looking back now, at the time I should have ran for the hills but abuse is a funny thing. When you experience violence or manipulation, especially from a loved one, you don't really see the abuse.

The Abuse

For the next five years I was strangled, restrained, lied to, belittled and ridiculed for simply being me. Of course I won't sit here and lie and say I was a mouse in the corner saying nothing and just getting abused. I always stood up for myself and at times I gave him some back.

Some memories are brief and quick and other memories have affected me hugely over the years. I have my most hated memory and my worst memory by experience. My most hated memory actually falls between two, both of which occured around the pregnancy and birth of my daughter.

My first memory that sticks with me to this day is from my 5th month of pregnancy. I was coming up to 6 months pregnant and I had gotten into an argument with Liam. The subject matter of that argument leaves me but I remember the actions. I had followed him down the road to ask him why he still treated me this way when I was carrying his child and he turned to me, squeezed my stomach and said:

That child probably isn't mine now fuck off

I suddenly felt wet between my legs and as I began to run home I realised I had wet myself, in the middle of the street. I was utterly ashamed and I felt dirty and absolutely ridiculous. As soon as I got home, I turned the bath on and jumped in. He came back not long after utterly upset and sorry. I forgave him, I always did.

My second most hated memory is when our daughter was only a couple of weeks old. I had said somehing to him about helping more as he was always going out and leaving me to do everything, with a 6 inch cesearean scar and a two week old baby. I was pissed. He didn't appreciate the truth in what I was saying and so he flipped. He grabbed my throat and pushed me down onto the bed where I was changing our daughters nappy. He made me look into her eyes while he held my head down, she was crying and I felt completely helpless.

Now I just want to point out at this point so it doesn't sound like an excuse later on, how bad Liams' childhood had been compared to mine.

He was lied to by his alcoholic mum for 14 years and told his step-dad was actually his dad. The same step-dad that had repeatedly hit, beat and near tortured him for years, all of which was over the slightest things, like coming home with the wrong bread. His mum had blamed him for everything wrong in her life for years, repeatedly brought men home and didn't shield him from this and every girl he had been with until he met me, had lied and/or cheated on him. He tells me now he just didn't know how to love and be loved.

But, that doesn't make my worst memory any better and his past was no excuse for what happened that night.

Fast forward several years. I had only ever at this point been hit once by him, referring to the first time in Liphook. Every other time he had instead grabbed, restrained, verbally abused or gone for my throat. Now I feel the need to explain a little back story. Liam had a friend who we will call Ashton. Someone who had seen how I was treated and over the early years had fallen for me hook line and sinker. I thought at the time the feelings were mutual. But, looking back I realise I just liked feeling appreciated. While I never did 'cheat' on Liam by the true meaning of that word, I did have an emotional relationship with Ashton that some would say was cheating in itself. I agree. But, I would justify that with the same sentence to Liam everytime we rowed:

He treats me with respect and he would never hurt me or lie to me like you do.

Of course, you will be sat reading this thinking 'Why didn't you just leave him for Ashton then?' And while it seems like the obvious choice at the time, I could see something in Liam and nowadays I'm glad that I didn't leave him.

So now you know who Ashton is, the worst memory I have can be explained.

The Night I Nearly Died

Our daughter was approximately 5 years old at this point and fortunately staying at my mums for the night. Liam was working at the restaurant down the road and he was working until around 9-10pm. I had been invited to a barbeque of a friend who lived about 30 minutes walk away and Ashton was there that night.

Now I want to just say at this point, I had been very clear with Ashton now that me and him were a no, no and I was going to try with Liam; even if he didn't deserve it at that time.

It got to around 8:30pm and I finished my food and drink and started to make my way home. Ashton offered to walk me home as the sun was going down and I lived in the middle of town at the time. I passed my partners work and stopped at the pizza place over the road from our apartment to pick up some chips for us for after he finished work. He loved those chips. As I was sat in the takeaway, a little tipsy and quite tired, Ashton asked me if was ok and I simply placed my head on his shoulder for a second and said yes. It just so happened at that very moment, Liam was walking past and banged on the window so hard I though it was going to crack. I jumped out of my seat, grabbed my chips that had conveniently just been placed on the counter and I made my way home. Ashton asked me if I was ok, to which I replied:

Yes, go home. I'm sorry.

Making my way over to Liam, he opened the large Iron gate that led us into our apartment and quickly hit the chips out of my hand.

I got those for you

I cried, to which he simply told me to fuck off. I followed him up the stairs and then all of the anger and hate from the past five years became apparent. He shouted, I shouted, he screamed, I screamed. For over an hour we just argued and then suddenly it wasn't just shouting anymore.

Within a flash, the argument turned violent and I felt a blow to my face, followed by a few shoves and then I was thrown to the floor. I felt his knee on my chest as he was repeatedly hitting me in the face. He then proceeded to hit my over the head with a dining chair but luckily only skimmed me. The last thing he did was hold me down on the floor by my throat and he squeezed. He squeezed and squeezed and in that moment I thought I was going to die. I remember looking at everything around me just to see it one last time and telling myself I accepted death at this point. I was exhausted. The last thing I saw was the look in his eyes. But, it wasn't angry or violent or any of the things you would expect at this point. His eyes, looked broken.

Within a split second, I felt his grip loosen and I wiggled until I was free, I pushed him back and I legged it out of the apartment. While my sight was foggy and I was leaving a trail of blood behind me, I still had my senses and I ran up instead of down the stairs in the complex. He of course thought I had ran down and out so when I heard him leave the apartment and run outside I took my chance and I ran back in the apartment. I quickly locked the door within seconds of him banging on it to let him back in. I didn't. I walked into the living room and just cried. I cried and I cried until I had nothing left. That was the last night that I truly cried.

That night, I went and stayed at my mums before returning the next day, alone. My daughter was to be dropped off to me later that day so in the meantime I had some stuff to do.

The Aftermath

Approaching the door to my apartment, I noticed the blood soaked walls and surrounding the banister outside the apartment. I walked in and the place was a tip. It was covered in blood and there was stuff smashed everywhere. I could have weeped but my tears wouldn't come. Liam was sat on the sofa, cold, wet faced and looking utterly helpless.

I'm so sorry, I don't even know how that happened last night. I need help.

Even after everything he had done, I felt sorry for him. I was angry but for the first time in five years he had finally admitted to needing help and so we got it for him.

The next few months consisted of frequent visits to professionals to help him deal with his past. Doctors, council members and even citizens advice all helped him figure out what he wanted and who he wanted to be. Within a couple of months of this, he walked towards me in the middle of a heated argument one day and I hit him. I hit him so hard his head bounced off the wall and he slid down like a sack of spuds.

You ever try to put your hands on me ever again I swear on our daughters life I will murder you, do you understand?

My words rang true and he knew it. But on this occassion he hadn't the intention of causing harm

I just wanted to cuddle you, I'm too tired for violence anymore.

His words rang true too.

Our New Life

For the next five years we built our life together. I stopped seeing Ashton and adding fuel to the flame. He stopped allowing himself to get so angry and we worked on being better parents. He had always been a great Dad and never once laid his hands on our daughter, he rarely even raised his voice so to feel the same love I had once felt when we first met was like being born again. We were living again.

We explored ways to experiment in our relationship and to help it grow and while some of those things failed and added some strain, overall all of it helped us beome who we are today.

For the last two nearly three years we have had the most amazing relationship. We truly love and trust one another again. He finally forgave his mum for everything she did. He doesn't talk to her anymore but he accepted it and closed that chapter. That massively improved our relationship and helped him love again and be loved. We started putting each other first. No more emotional cheating. No more physical mishaps. No more name-calling or flying fists. No more anger just pure trust and love. Sure, we argue but only like anyone else. Liam made me realise that people truly can change if they work at it everyday and I made him realise people truly do love.

I was the first person in his life to never give up on him and he was the first person in mine to make me see anything is possible and change is real. I know many people will be reading this and thinking I am mad for ever giving him the chance to change but I did and I have (No) regrets. Liam used to be abusive most days for five years and for the last seven nearly eight years he has never raised his hand to me, not even once. He has never even looked like he has wanted to. For the last two or three years he has been the most loyal, compassionate and hard-working man I know. He loves me everyday and I love him.

I am absolutely grateful to the world for giving him and I the chance to become better people. I realised how resilient I am and he realised how strong he is. It takes a lot of strength to overcome such anger but he did and I tell him everyday how much I love him. Not because I simply do but because he has earned it. I want him to know everyday that the man he is today is a world away from the boy he was before.

Advice

This story is simply my personal view and experience. While I am glad I gave our relationship another chance, I am very aware that violent or abusive partners rarely change, I was simply lucky. So, if you are in an abusive relationship and you're reading this thinking 'her partner changed, mine can too'. Don't think that. Get out, grab your kids and leave. If he or she wants to change they can do it with or without you. If it was meant to be then one day you can become one again. But, don't risk your life like I did. I was very lucky that night and so was he. We talk about it rarely now, as it seems like a world away. But, we are aware it helped us become who we are today.

Do not wait for salvation, help yourself and ring any of the helplines I have linked below. Seek shelter and learn to love yourself again.

I have (No) regrets but you need to make your own fate and remember your safety comes first. If the love is strong it will come back to you without violence.

Refuge (Women): The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

Respect (Men): Freephone 0808 8010327

All links for further organisations can be found on the following website:

Thank you so much for reading my story and sharing the love. If you feel extra giving today how about a tip?

Your love and support helps me to grow everyday. Thankyou.