I Am

Where do I begin? I don't really feel I have ever “fit in”. I know I have “fit in” but I never really FELT that I did. I have always had this feeling of being outside of what was going on around me. It feels as though I am staring through a looking glass. Like I am the constant observer of what is going on around me, not the willing participant. I tried for many years to actually feel like I fit into our current society. Ironically enough, the copious amount of drugs I used to attempt to do this only created the opposite effect. I became more of an outcast of modern society. It is only recently that I have accepted the fact that I do not think like the majority of people. And I have become completely okay with that. I spent many long nights researching why I think or act the way I do. I know from studying the MBTI that my personality is the rarest for a female. Maybe that is it? I was determined to be gifted at the age of 11. Maybe that is it? I could come up with theories as to why forever. I do very much like thinking in theory. It quite possibly be a combination of all of the theories I have mulled over back and forth. Frankly, it probably is. However, at the end of all this theorizing and constant back and forth of why am I the way I am, I discovered something truly important. It does not matter why I am the way I am. I just am. It does not matter if it was nature, nurture or a combination of both. It simply does not matter. The only thing that matters is that I am. I am that I am. And I am completely content and happy in that fact.

We spend so much of our lives trying to change and become more accepted. We do it regardless of the implications of our own personal happiness and mental health. We buy this. We buy that. We like this. We like that. And why? Because that is what we are told. I can only imagine the level of society if from birth we were taught to accept ourselves. I mean, it's quite simple, really. If we could accept ourselves on every level we would have no trouble accepting others. It appears that we have it backwards. Do this. Be that. So that society will accept us for who we are. But how can that even be a possibility if we can not accept and love ourselves for who we are? And how can we radiate that love externally if we do not have it internally. There is so much unwarranted hate in the world and it all stems from a complete lack of self love. You are born alone. You die alone. Why matter about the opinions, expectations and judgements of others? Not a single one matters except your own.

I do not feel like I have ever fit in. I think for myself. I love myself even after the terrible choices I have made. I am not interested in anyone else’s opinions of how I live my life. I am completely and singularly responsible for my own happiness. I have found that, unfortunately, this is not the popular way of thinking and does not necessarily fit in certain social circumstances or circles. But that is the thing, if I have to deny myself for the sake of other people’s judgements, I do not want to fit in.