How? WHEN? JUST "BE"

In desperation I cry for direction. For the sense of satisfaction. For a dream that I must achieve.

All that comes are empty fantasies of travel & love in ways I'll never have, because I'm too old to still want THAT secure child kind of love. And "NO" is the response I always feel.... WHERE THE FUCK is the "YES" feeling??? For I Will Not make a move without it!!!

It's ridiculously childish of me to feel empty & alone. Nothing in this life that I think I should be doing, holds much meaning to me.

Lacking passion and the drive, the plan which leads me to my destiny.

Emotions are meant to be the 'voice' of the soul. They ( along with the ever present Question..."WHY???") are binding me from purpose, Not propelling me toward it.

I need to go and be in a place where I have no access to things I use for pacification. To allow my soul to be heard UNINTERRUPTED! For the reason that I exist to come... I must be in a place where I can not escape the pain. to break this passive - aggressive chain.

Where is this place of isolation & reflection??? NOT in the city that's for sure.

-BJSE January 31,2013 9:22 pm

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My residence has never BEEN my HOME to me. It is NEVER my property! I don't own it. I don't get to decide who comes in, or when, or how long they can stay. I've lived in this 1 place now 14 years . It's the longest I've ever lived in one place. Of the 3o+ places I've lived in my almost 43 years of life. I should be happy, settled in to that HOME "belonging" feeling by now...

BUT I AM NOT! It's NOT my house!

"GET OUT , STAY OUT", I scream. BUT it is not MY PLACE TO SAY! I have no say, because I'm in someone else's home. I YEARN for a place to call my own. One I do NOT have to share. A place I can live in that is functional for me... (Under 5 feet tall and sitting in a wheelchair-So many THINGS I can't reach. Can't carry food or laundry up from the basement. HAVEN'T made even my own bowl of cereal in 14 years!!) One NO ONE or no natural disasters can take from me. NON existent, right? WHY?

Why can't MORE housing be affordable to build/own AND be wheelchair accessible? AND WHY DOES HUD seem to DOMINATE the affordable ACCESSIBLE HOUSING market?? IT MAKES ME ANGRY THAT DISABLED PEOPLE HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS BESIDES SUBSIDIZED RENTAL UNITS!

I DON'T WANT TO RENT...

RENT/SHARED LIVING, MEANS *NOT MINE*. My mind reflecting on countless time in childhood. MOM(US, ME)BEING TOLD TO "GET OUT" at any time (Whether it be by landlords or roommates-I NEVER WANT TO HAVE "drama"), triggers my RESTLESS WANDERER thoughts, ANXIETY... I CAN NEVER feel free to be settled! Yet I feel trapped by lack of money to afford rent, my things I can't carry, and my mobility restrictions-FORCED TO STAY in a place NOT my own. I hate this feeling of: It's NOT MY HOME!

Today's reflection.

Of Course IS MUCH THE SAME . WITH ADDED COVID ANXIETY BURDEN!

These days all I want is a time machine GO "HOME" Have PT with MY GIRL- Be 12 yrs old again!

BE with Jo. (*FEB, 2023* She was in my dream again this morning--- 2 morning in a row now... STRANGE & COOL!)

Or find a padded cell - SEPARATE from "psych facility"

ISOLATED- NOTHING AROUND a few weeks - VACAY (Or break me down the rest of the way?)

Yeah I never could manage to JUST BE with myself AND MY THOUGHTS... always trying to shift them AND PACIFY...

SO IMPOSSIBLE TO JUST "BE"

I just want to "be" in the moment. OKAY where I am. Be okay with who I am , FEEL AT HOME INSIDE MY OWN SKIN, FEEL I AM HOME SOMEWHERE.

WHY WON'T THAT DAY (FEELING) EVER COME FOR ME?

I don't know if that feeling ever will reside in my heart.

But it is now April---AND MY HEART SAYS GO VISIT MY BELOVED PT from the 90's, AT her NEW PT Facility... IN PA. My child heart HAS BEEN EAGER to go to HER for a visit (When I otherwise still will NOT go out in public- EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO GET AWAY) since she told me she was opening soon in September.... "YES! I WANNA COME PLAY WITH YOU THERE & HUG YOU!"

My mind is forever talking me out of going... but I'm trying to let my heart motivate me to go (GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!) to see my girl, BEFORE my birthday this year! I NEED THIS! So I'm in planning stages...

PLEASE LET ME GET A WAY THERE!