How My Anxiety Ruined My Life

When I was in elementary school I have a distinct memory of sitting in my fifth grade class and out of nowhere I just felt...weird. My heart began to beat like crazy, I felt hot all over, almost like my body was becoming engulfed in flames. Though I was sitting still, I felt as though my body was vibrating. All around I felt an uneasy sense of something not being right. I was nine years old. I didn’t know what was happening to me.

As I got older I still had those feelings on occasion. In middle school, sitting at lunch, in high school when I was getting yelled at for something I had done wrong. As I continued to grow and these dreadful feelings became worse I began to become more enthralled in media, and social media. Somewhere along the line, through reading about other people’s experiences, watching YouTube videos, watching TV, I was able to put a name to what I was feeling: Anxiety.

I was relieved to know that there was a reason I had these uneasy feelings and twisted stomachs for small to nonexistent reasons. But putting a name to the problem didn’t make it any better.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when my anxiety became more than just a feeling I dreaded. I believe it was shortly after graduating high school. It could’ve been the fact that I was finally being thrust into the real world and didn’t have a real plan. I was doing things I didn’t want to be doing, dating people who made me unhappy, taking classes that I struggled in when I wasn’t even sure f the career I was taking these classes for was something I really wanted to do anymore. A lot of my friends went away for school and I stayed in my hometown.

The people I hung out with and spent time with every day for the last four-plus years were becoming strangers to me and it all petrified me. That’s when I began to realize my anxiety was affecting my everyday life. I found myself canceling on plans with friends and my boyfriend at the time just because I felt uneasy.

Every move I made I second guessed it, whether it be an assignment I completed for a class at my local community college or something I wanted to post on my Facebook wall; everything that used to be so mechanical, so habitual, became a sea of wondering, “What are they going to think? Did I really do a good job? I don’t think I did this right. I can’t go with them I don’t know anyone there and they will leave me and I’ll be alone. Do they all even really like me anymore?”

The mere mention of people disliking me made me physically ill, the thought of anyone leaving me to fend for myself when I already felt so alone made me feel like my heart was going to give out. Every day, my brain was filled with 5000 thoughts a minute, all negative, all doubting myself, all making me feel like I was going to throw up and have a heart attack and shit my pants all at the same time.

This, in turn, led me to making terrible choices; anything to get a quick sense of relief from the war constantly going on inside of my head. Instead of facing my problems head on, I ran away from them, distracted myself from them with things that only made me feel better for a short period of time, then a few days later I’d be lower than before.

I stopped attending classes because my anxiety was so bad. I called in sick to work often for the same reason. My life was a downhill spiral. I became someone that I hated, I ruined my relationship, my friendships, and my bonds with family members.

It’s been almost three years now since I graduated high school. And I’d be lying if I said that I’ve overcome my anxiety. That I don’t still have these thoughts, and the horrid feelings of uneasiness. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still cancel plans at the last minute because my anxiety is just too much to bare today and I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still doubt my abilities, my friendships, my relationships.

But the difference with 20-year-old Jade and 17-19-year-old Jade is that I made a choice that I didn’t want to live my life in this way anymore. I stopped succumbing to every feeling of anxiety, every fear and every doubt.

There is a lot of things you can’t change in life, but you always can change the way you react to them. I began reading more, giving my self a healthy coping mechanism, something to focus myself on besides my anxiety. I began making lists of all of the blessings I had in my life. Every day. I began talking more kindly of myself, the self-deprecating jokes had to be reduced to a minimum. If I don’t think highly of myself, my brain won’t either. I started attending church, though it was something I swore I’d never do.

Finding God and having something to put my faith and trust in helped me make the weight of my anxiety lighter. I began exercising every day, it’s an increase in heart rate that’s similar to the one brought on by my anxiety but the difference is I’m in control. I’m the one on that treadmill making my heart go faster. I’m the one punching that punching bag making myself sweat like a stuck pig. I am in control. I am in control of getting myself out of bed and going to work every day. I am in control of going back to school.

Once you regain that control that anxiety once had on you, you begin to be set free. I learned to acknowledge my feelings and recognize that they are real. But they weren’t reality. Look, if you wake up and think to yourself, “Wow I am a terrible human being and everyone hates me and I feel like I’m going to throw up because of it.”

Those are your feelings. They are valid. They are real. You REALLY feel and think that way. But are they reality? Most likely no, unless you’re a serial killer or the guy who invented Organic Chemistry and made it a requirement for several different degrees I promise you, you’re not a terrible person and everyone doesn’t hate you. Own your feelings, recognize them, don’t feel bad about them, but also recognize they aren’t your reality.

And last but not least, I stopped talking about my anxiety so much. (Lol but you literally just wrote an entire essay on your anxiety?) Yeah, I know I get it. I’m still working on this one clearly. But but what I really mean is I stopped letting my anxiety define me. Once I could put a name to what I was feeling it’s almost like that one word BECAME ME.

I told everyone I had anxiety, I told everyone I can’t do that because I have anxiety. I acted this way because I have anxiety. I lashed out at you because I was feeling anxious.

No. I am not Anxiety. I am Jade Melling. I am a daughter. An older sister. A younger sister. A Christian. A photographer. A dental assistant. An ice cream maker. A runner. A kickboxer. A friend. And I’m also one of the strongest people I know. My anxiety is such a minimal part of me. I am so much more than a panic attack and a rush of a million thoughts. And so are you.