How I Help People With Anxiety

Anxiety today could be considered a universal experience. Nowadays it seems as though if you aren’t anxious, you are considered to be the exception rather than the rule. Anxiety has become such a huge part of our experience that it would be almost strange to think that it might not have as much power over our lives as it does.

As a therapist, though, I want to help out in any way that I can. So here are a few things that I like to talk about when I see clients struggle with anxiety.

I teach people to recognize the lie

Anxiety tells you lies. Not necessarily that what you’re worried about is not a problem. Many people worry about things that are real threats. But the lie is, if I think about it constantly, that means that I can control it. I had a client say this to me directly; "If I think about the negative, then the negative won't happen." This is simply not true. No amount of thinking about the problem can cause you to influence the outcome, so my first step here is helping you know that anxiety is what it is: a lie that keeps you trapped within your mind.

And sometimes, you can do everything right and it still goes wrong. Imagine that a patient comes to the ER in cardiac arrest. The doctors and nurses have all be trained in the protocols and interventions needed to save their life, yet despite their best efforts, the patient still dies. This tells us that the problem doesn't lie with the healthcare professions; it's with the patient.

But what if they made a mistake? Yes, that's a possibility, but let's assume for our hypothetical situation that they made no mistakes and the patient still died. What then?

Even if you do everything right, things can still go wrong. This is because there is an element of chaos in the world; a portion of all things that we can't control. Even if you do the same thing multiple times, the outcome is different because of chaos.

You can only control the way you react and respond to a situation. Everything else is outside your control.

I teach people how to think in ways that helps them process the thought.

One problem with a lot of anxiety is that the thoughts are formed as a question that cannot be answered.

-What if I lose my job?

-What if I step outside and get hit by a car?

-What if my child gets hurt at school?

-What if my spouse cheats on me?

There is no way that these questions can be answered with absolute certainty. It’s like a song that gets stuck in your head. It’s never the whole song, just a part of it, but it’s so hard to get that little snippet out of our minds.

So what can you do?

You can finish the song. As an experiment, try restructuring your questions that end in a question mark into a statement that ends in a period.

-“What if my spouse cheats on me?” vs. “I’m worried about my spouse cheating on me.”

Take a moment think about those two statements. Do you notice a difference in how you feel between the two of them? A question demands an answer; a statement does not. It wouldn't be a big change, but perhaps you’ll notice that your distress is not as intense in the statement than the question. I know that this is a small change, but any small change in the right direction can lead to big changes down the road.

I teach you how to grieve and accept loss

Anxiety, as I define it to clients, is, essentially, the fear of death. No, I’m not talking necessarily about physical death though that could be a part of your experience with anxiety. When I’m taking about the fear of death, I mean the fear of loss or change. These things oftentimes come with a kind of death.

-Death of social status

-Death of what’s normal

-Death of a relationship or friendship

-And, of course, physical death

The inability to grieve, on some level, represents an inability to accept what is true. Grief is a necessary pain, and it’s one of the only pains that leads to healing. Knowing how to grieve loss allows you to pivot to greater functioning rather than being stuck in perpetual state of worry.

Grief is also inescapable. Change is going to happen. Death in some way, shape, or form is going to happen. I often say that the true hallmark of good mental health is not being able to avoid the bad; it's being able to respond well when the bad happens.

Remember! You always have a choice, even when it feels like you don't.

One of my favorite passages in the Harry Potter books comes from Book 6 when Harry realizes that he isn't bound by fate to the prophecy; that he can choose his own path.

It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew--and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents--that there was all the difference in the world.

Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts and get a conversation started!