How I Brought Intelligence to Emotions and Saved My Sanity

I will carry the burden of misery and angry emotions away from your life. My words will penetrate the silence of your pain, the night in your head.

I am a great mixture of different feelings. My emotional distress used to run me into a blind alley each time I had any misunderstanding with my husband, friends, acquaintances. I didn't express my distress openly, on the contrary - I always was a very amiable person to spend time with, very quiet, calm, and visibly tranquil. But my inner passions used to surge, and I was losing inner control and… my peace was vanishing with it. Even my health failed. I endured long-term hair loss and a drop in appetite.

I tried to express my feelings, thinking if I yelled my long-locked emotions, screamed about my pent-up regrets, I could feel better. That was not the best solution. My husband definitely was surprised to see me beating my little fists on his chest. It was time to learn.

I educated myself about the mechanics of emotion to better grasp the potent hold of my two minds (emotional mind, that feels; and rational mind, that thinks). I was capable of comprehension, thoughtful awareness, and reflection - the products of my rational mind; but alongside I was too impulsive and illogical - my emotional mind was taking charge of my life.

I wanted to bring intelligence to my emotions to make peace between my feelings and reason. I will rephrase Aristotle here to make the sole topic of this essay clear: I wanted to use the right emotions "with the right people, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way".

It is not easy, but it is possible. These five principles help me every day to cope with my rich emotional repertoire.

Let infinite YOU come out from the stillness and silence.

Only when I felt comfortable in my own skin, the ability to understand and recognize my moods and emotions came as naturally as sleep. I needed to drop pretenses, get rid of false identities I tried to adopt unconsciously, and embrace my complicated personality.

I learned to let MY voice and MY song dominate in my life, not the alien distressful emotions that come from the lack of self-knowledge. Thanks to this effort, today I control my passions, which were taking the upper hand before. I feel the freedom to be self-opinionated and… even not always patient.

You see, I lack patience for mockery and pretentious attitude. I don't want to smile at people who don't like me and are not willing to smile back. I don't tolerate people who gossip, lie, and mock others. I recognize the sources, people who behave in this way, and try to avoid being involved with them.

The way I think and behave may not always be right, but it must always be MY decisions, MY beliefs, and values that drive me forward. I have to be aware of myself to be able to control what, when, and why I feel a certain way.

• Self-awareness in action.

You need to make an effort to bring your true essence of yours to the surface and keep it there. Recognize your feelings, analyze what triggers them. Learn what makes you happy and what upsets you. If you don't like conflicts and comparisons, don't communicate with people who are inclined to behave like that. Feel the persistent presence of infinite reason of yours.

Shine with the glory of having created yourself.

Some of my friends, close and distant acquaintances with their fresh news, old stories, trivial questions, important remarks, and oft-repeated gossip used to distress me often. They shaped my thinking, and often I was driven unconsciously by this information and influence. The emotions of the outside world dominated my life. I felt distress coming from my social circle.

The day I learned to control and redirect these destructive influences was the birth of a new, genuine me. I got rid of the emotional distress that was not mine. I go places I like and meet people I enjoy spending time with. I control the intake of positivity and the limit of negativity in my life.

• Self-regulation in action.

Let your eyes be blind, your ears deaf to all external emotions, the ones coming from outside sources, and making you feel sad. Take the wiser part of a calmer, a less critical, a less egoistic, a more productive, a less self-abusive you. Learn how to breathe and relax, how to move calmly and talk with decision and meaning. Every hard task should be coupled with light mood to make it bearable. Every frivolous pleasure-giving action should be taken seriously to make it last longer. Only you give meaning to everything in your life. Why not give more of this highly valuable quality to pleasing things and less of it to the ones that make you feel gloomy? Take the charge of the drama in your life. Write the play with your thoughtful hand.

Become suffused with self-love and love for others.

When I am considerably quenched in spirit, I feel the need to be left alone. In solitude, I am capable to look for inner resources of strength with a minuteness of detail. This time with myself is refreshing. It helps me to obtain the pleasure of being with my thoughts, one on one with my emotions. Every minute serves as fresh evidence of growing self-love.

Later, when the degree of self-affection is high enough not to be dragged down easily, I feel the need for cheerful company. I enjoy spending time with loving people. Gifting my affection and receiving kindness coming from other people is another source of longer life with more meaning, less stress, and an abundance of fruitful activity.

• Empathy in action.

Enjoy time with beautiful you and when you feel satisfied with who you are let other people feel the benefit of being in a circle of your influence. Take this responsibility seriously, people should feel good in your presence. Let others feel how happy you are in your skin and how loving, caring, and willing you are to share that atmosphere of satisfaction.

Let an electric current of your positive energy refresh and revive other people.

It took time for me to become uncompromisingly bold in choosing thoughts that made me feel good and getting rid of the ones that caused emotional pain. Today I don't let my mood become overtaken by worry and hopelessness. I discovered a way of turning my thoughts swiftly upon objects that give me joy. I hold them there for as long as it is possible.

I don't feel hopeless anymore. I see life masquerading in the garments of my favorable expectations. I grab positive images in my mind and hold them in a viselike grip. They define the atmosphere around me and other people feel it.

• Social skills in action.

The thoughts you think should make you feel better, serve you good. Take the wiser part of reevaluating your past and bring to your present and future only useful lessons. Forget things that distress you, make you feel miserable. Move on, let go of the upsetting past. Learn to be happy in the company of friends that love you. Cherish sincere smiles and genuine attention.

Stick your hand into crowded, pent-up daily life, and add variety and meaning to it.

I am flushed and intoxicated with real and imagined things I bring into my life. It was not like this before. I used to look for meaning and felt hopeless to ever find one. Interesting fact, I found it when I stopped looking for it. I grew fond of every opportunity to experience life as it is, meaningful by definition. I realized with some unaccountable satisfaction that it is in my power to make my daily life invested with purposeful experiences.

• Internal motivation in action.

When any distress awakens the worst emotions in you, hurry it out of your life like a grotesque and impossible dream, which should be forgotten as soon as the eyes are open. When you feel a genuine emotional boost, intake it with a beneficent repose, let it invade your whole body. Feel the inner urge to live every day, be present in the lives of your beloved people, and go to work. This passion to be active and happy is in you. You don't need any external motivation. If you happen to get it, take it. But be ready to find your inner resources of energy and encouragement.

Every morning the very first chords which I let my life strike upon should send a keen tremor of pleasure down my spinal column.

The abiding truth.

Circumstances matter. What I do to prevent the circumstances that are out of my control to invade my peace is to not let them sway and lash my soul. The things that I can change - my work, relationships, food, sport, leisure hours, books, etc. - only those are allowed to daily beat upon my splendid body and soul.

I feel happy with what I have in stock of my personality. I recognize the sources of distress and know how to diminish and redirect those threads. I feel love toward myself, my husband, relatives, friends, and other people who are willing to add to my peace and happiness. These positive emotions serve as the best boost to be consciously present and alive every day.

To discover more on the topic, consider reading an article by Daniel Goleman and Richard E. Boyatzis Emotional Intelligence Has 12 Elements. Which Do You Need to Work On?