How Do You Be You When You Want To Be Someone Else?

Since a little boy, I've been on the hunt for money. If it wasn't money, it was approval and acceptance from others. The only problem in seeking those three things is they won't bring Joy long term but will give you the illusion of Joy with the temporary Happiness.

So often, Joy and Happiness are confused. I believe Joy comes from the inner-self, it is internal, and Happiness can come from outside sources. That's why I think some chase relationships; they are happy initially, but as time passes and personalities begin to clash, the Happiness fades. You end up thinking, what am I doing? This person has very little interest in how I live my life. The commonalities you thought you had don't exist.

I believe if people have true Joy before pursuing a relationship, the chances of finding a compatible partner significantly increase. Once you come at peace with who you are, where you are, and how you are, you will experience true Joy.

That's the problem; I have always chased Happiness within people, places, things, thoughts, and events. All of those things proved to be temporary. That cycle left me in a never-ending chase of Happiness. But the problem was, I was going about it all wrong.

I never quite knew who I was or what I wanted to become. I would pursue things that everyone else was doing, even if it weren't for me. I never had an interest in college, but everyone else was doing it. I majored in Physical Therapy, Commercial Art to the other end of the spectrum with Criminal Justice with a minor in Psychology.

I'm like a chameleon. I can adapt to any situation, keep my opinion to myself or slightly change it to adjust to the environment. I fear greatly what people think about me, which is a miserable way to live; I know I've lived it for the last 46 years. I chased the wrong people, ruminated about the bad thoughts, and ended up in the wrong situations.

It can be healthy to care what some people think, but a random stranger, why? My writing has helped me in this aspect. I am exactly what I put into words, even though the writing is difficult for me. I also think writing is hiding me a little bit. While I get the healthy validation, I need with the topics I write about, and I am still hidden behind a keyboard.

I am very critical of myself and hate the way I look at times, talk fast, the sound of my voice, and a variety of other things. And unfortunately, writing helps keep me from accepting those things in "real" life with human interaction.

Everything is digital nowadays. A couple will rarely meet organically, and there is an app for everything. Hell, you don't have to shop for yourself any longer, have what you want to be delivered in an hour by the click of an app. Don't want to talk? Just send a text or email. It's rare for a person to pick up their phone nowadays; I know, I am guilty of it.

We as a society forget how to have basic human interaction. Look around; everyone is in their own world on some device or walking with their head down, ignoring the world around them.

I'm here to say I am tired of trying to be someone else; it's damn right exhausting! I'm tired of letting people in my life that treat me like utter shit as if I am a number. I'm tired of being afraid to say no when I mean no! I am tired of apologizing for shit that doesn't need an apology.

All of this is from trying to become someone I'm not and not taking action to figure out who it is I want to become. Does that even make sense?

I love writing, it's an excellent way to express myself creatively, and it's working! I am learning so much about myself. It's not easy, life and writing in general, but doing the work to get to know me isn't easy, especially at 46. I have preprogrammed thoughts and memories embedded so profoundly they seem impossible to change. And they are not healthy thoughts nor programs; they were put in place with years of conditioning. There are probably a few that I am unaware of, but I'm sure they will surface in time.

Getting out of my comfort zone is my next step to becoming that "someone else." That is why I have started a YouTube Channel. What better way to tackle an inferiority complex than to put me on camera? I am forcing myself to look at me, hear me and see who I am from the outside looking in. Sound strange? I don't think so, ok, maybe a little.

I've spent 46 years not knowing who I am, all while trying to adapt an identity I think others want me to be. That is not living life; that is merely existing.

I have more to offer; I know I do. My problem is I surround myself with people who support this lack of self-worth I've carried around. I'm just thankful I finally see the bigger picture.

With each article I write and each YouTube video I drop, I get closer to that "someone else" I didn't know existed.

Who is your "someone else?"