How 2020 almost ended for me

In August 2020 I was sitting alone in my workshop, crying and hating myself. Belt in hand, I was going to go down into the basement and hang myself. I knew that because of the outburst I had just gone through, I would be left alone long enough to let it happen. But as I came to the steps of my basement, I began to think about how and who and when I would be found.

I suddenly became very dizzy, my heart began to race and my vision swam for a moment. I threw the belt to the floor and sat down right there and cried again. I realized that I needed help.

As the sense of isolation grew, so did my temper. The lack of social connection with my friends and the co-enthusiasts of my hobbies, along with the forced relationship with my employer started to wear on my sense of self and worth. I stuck with that job through the whole of 2020 and most of 2021. I had really wanted to be on my own for a long time, and I had started to work on some of it as a way to pass the time.

But regardless I still ended up collapsed on the floor 8 months into the hardest time of my life.

So I called my insurance, which still took 2 months to see anyone. It was a strange time waiting to see the therapist after what was a nearly attempted suicide. I had a strange sense of what I can only refer to as Survivor's Guilt. I dont think it was this exactly, but I do know that every good thing or bad thing that happened in those 2 months was accompanied by "If I had actually killed myself I wouldnt be experiencing this right now." I began to see just how often the bad came with the good and just how small each one could be. I also noticed that I was only aware of them because I had a new perspective on my life and surroundings. Things I had never noticed before were now very obvious. I felt everything more deeply and with a new clarity of how good things were worth their weight in gold no matter how small and just how petty I had been bad what I thought were "bad things".

The therapist was a really nice guy, he wore mismatched socks with DC and Marvel characters. Weird to notice I know. But he just let me talk and asked some questions once in a while. We worked through the things that ignite my temper and how often those things come up and little ways to deal with it. But ultimately he recognized that I just needed someone to talk to and to talk with. Someone that didnt have their opinion of me tinted by the knowledge of who I am out of context. He had me talk about each thing I had lost control over and each confession made me feel so small but not because he belittled me...just confronting who I was in those moments.

Then we began to talk about the things that made me happy, my goals and my desires, and the things I really wanted from life. Most of these things are my artistic desires that I had suppressed a long time ago because of decisions I made and I had been running on survival mode for nearly 2 decades now. He made me say that I was unhappy with what I had done with myself and that this was why I was unhappy now. Confronted with isolation and self-reflection I realized that I had hurt myself and never looked at the wound. That even though I had begun to come back into these things I enjoyed, I didnt take them seriously because of my own self-doubts. I was the only one that could do anything about it.

Shortly after that I started taking Welbutrin to help me quit smoking and stabilize my mood (Which I have been smoke free since Jan 21, 2021 btw) and started doing real work towards these ideas that I have dreamed for a long time. I started an Instagram for my leather working and larp store, (Hide and Sneak on FB, hide.andsneak Instagram) as well as my writing projects (the.esotericcollecitve Instagram and Facebook). I have gathered a small following and even made a couple of sales since then. I left my old job and took another job working overnights on the weekends, so that I can focus on my goals during the week. I still find ways and time to see my friends so its not really that bad. I will make this into my liveihood.

Im not there yet, I still have a ways to go. But now I can see that while I cant control the world, I can control myself. I went from trying to end it all to convincing a couple of hundred people that I can do exactly what I want and that there is still so much left to strive for and achieve.

My children are now thriving since we moved to a new neighborhood, we've joined the Cub Scouts, our house is amazing and we can live like we have always wanted to live. It took trying to end it all to realize that I could be anything I wanted. I could start over rather than just stop.

I didnt actually want to die, I just wanted to stop living the way I was living.

If you are having those thoughts please seek help. Its bad right now, I know, but it doesnt have to stay that way. Reach out to a doctor, a friend, to anyone....to me.

Its worth it to keep going, I know it has been for me.