Hidden Pains

Can you tell the difference between the hidden pains in your life?

For years I would find myself struggling with knowing what my hidden pains were because I was surrounded by trauma. My judgment was cloudy, and I couldn’t see straight.

Are these pains physical?

I knew automatically about the physical pains because I was the victim of sexual assault. This pain was so damaging to me as a child that it took over 90% of my life as an adult. I would find myself in toxic relationships with others, thinking that this was normal when, in fact, it was not.

Are these pains emotional?

For me, these pains were extremely emotional because it was a family member that changed the course of my future relationships with others as an adult. I didn’t know how to receive true love from others because I was in a state that my emotions were all over the place, and I knew deep down that I couldn’t trust those emotions. I knew that running in my feelings, especially when I am heartbroken that this is the wrong time to get emotionally involved with anyone. I knew that emotions where not my friend. The more I gave my emotions to others, the more that I got hurt, so I just stayed to myself for years.

Are these pains mental?

The mental side of all my hidden pains was the worst because I still struggle with understanding that what has happened to me was not my fault. It always amazes me to hear other women say, get over it. Like really we victims can just turn off a mental switch and cut the lights off. It doesn’t work that way, and I have realized that most women/people, for that matter, say these things to others when they hear a story like mines because they do not understand, and most of them will never understand until they go through it themselves.

Most people that I have encountered over the years do not have a clue to how much mental bull shit I have to dump out daily just to keep myself sane. Taking back control over my mind is everything to me, and I am so glad that I have learned a lot about my mental mindset.

Once you have discovered which pains are, which do you have the tools that you need to fix them?

I didn’t know that there were tools out there for me to use to help me heal myself. Yes, I have gone to the mental health doctors, and to be honest, all they did was just let me talk, and they just listened. None of them gave me any tools that I could use at home or throughout my workday to help me get through the panic attacks, anxieties, or flashbacks. Even my sleep was affected to the point of me only getting three hours of sleep a day. I explained all of this to the doctors, and yet they still didn’t understand.

I majored in Business Management of Applied Science, but after two years of this, I changed majors to study Psychology. I took this action because I needed results, and I didn’t go into this to help others, at least not yet.

I needed to heal myself from the inside out first before I could begin to help someone else. I wanted to make sure that I was ready to give correct information to those that needed it. I needed to be sure that the tools I was using worked properly. I didn’t, and I still do not want to give out wrong information to someone that could be healed in a positive way.

Finding hobbies like reading a book, listening to music, knitting, painting, or even cooking are just a few of my hobbies, oh, and please don’t let me forget about writing. Writing is my favorite part because this is an outlet that gives me a chance to, like I have stated before, dump all of the negative mental bull shit out.

Do you feel that if you try to talk to someone about these pains that they will look at you differently or look at you like you are crazy for expressing your anxieties openly with others?

I honestly am a bit more mindful now of who I talk to about my hidden pains because the average person tends to throw your past back up in your face. The other person only does this when they are backed into a corner by you because you are standing up for yourself. Most people, when they encounter someone with a past like mines, feel that it is okay to be sneaky and push their agenda on me because they think that I am still broken in some areas. It is funny to me when I see other women try to do this to me because it lets me know just how broken they are in their own lives.

Now please understand I am not perfect at all, and I still make mistakes, and I know that for every day that I wake up it gives me another chance to live on this earth. I will make more postive choices over my life and I am not worried about anyone esle and how they may feel about it. At the same time, for those women and men who use to be in my past, guess what you are going to stay in my past. You were part of the problems that I had, so you are not going to be in my future now. For those people that are in my inner circle now, I just want to say thank you for all your support. No matter what I have faced, you have always been there to build and pour love back into my life. Thank you for not giving up on me M.P.; S.T; ASMB; KMHM and my grandchildren.

Thanks for reading…

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