Heroin

I was born in 1981 to a mother who took drugs and drank alcohol, it was this very reason I had disowned her from my life from age 16 until my early 20's that was until she had another child a baby boy called Casey. During this time I had been told my Grandfather was dying of lung cancer and my current partner had been caught cheating with a lap dancer. This left me distraught so I had made the decision to try and reconnect with my mother as I believed she was clean of drugs. I went to my mothers and we put the past behind us and started our relationship again, she managed to keep up the act she was clean that was until I caught her burning heroin in the early hours of the morning one day when she was in bed. We had an argument and that was it she was back to taking drugs in front of me again. I was loosing weight and crying constantly with the pain of my Grandfather dying and what my partner was doing with his lap dancer, I really loved this guy and worshipped the ground he walked on and the thought of him with someone else broke me, I have been abused my entire life but this pain was different it cut deep.

One morning I was lying on my mums couch cuddled into my sister's teddy, she had passed away age 7 when I was only 10 years old. My mum sat beside me and said "I know something that will take all your pain away" I looked up at her and said "what" she replied "this" as she waved the tin foil with the heroin on it in front of me. I said sharlpy "NO im never taking that" and I cuddled back into the teddy and cried. A few days later I had, had enough of how I was feeling and was thinking suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-harm which I only ever did in extremely stressful situations. Again my mum tried to coax me into taking heroin with the promise that it would melt my pain, this time I took her up on her offer and accepted the heroin. My mum gave me the tooter and began lighting the oil on the tin foil as I breathed in the smoke it let off, it tasted so sweet and instantly after 2 lines a warm feeling took over my body and my emotional pain lessened until it subsided all together. The relief was instant I no longer wanted to cry, I felt numb is the only way I could describe it. After 4 lines an overwhelming feeling of nausea filled me as I ran to the toilet and was sick, I took heroin again the next day just another bit relief and I will stop I thought to myself, however by the 7th day I got up and lay on my mums couch not feeling so good, I put it down to having a bug, my mum came down a while later and asked what was up with me, I said "I'm not feeling so good" she laughed and said "your rattling" I didn't even know what that even meant she said "I bet if you take more you will feel okay", I disagreed so off she went to her dealers and came back with £20 worth of heroin a bag for her and 1 for me. I took the heroin and she was right it made me feel better instantly, it was then it hit me I have become addicted to the very drug I hate. I truly did hate myself and asked myself why would you stoop so low Michelle, WHY!!

My grandfather passed away and me and my partner got back intouch to try and patch things up, he had no idea I was taking heroin behind his back. I was working as a carer at the time and used the majority of my wages to feed my drug habit. I was gutted and the guilt of what I was doing was getting too much to bare and so I decided to come clean and get help. My partner hit the roof called me names and called my father who disowned me once he knew, I felt like the lowest of the low. I knew deep down this was not the life for me and so I contacted addiction services who put me on a methadone prescription. For the next few months my life consisted of appointments and handing in urine samples, I stayed away from heroin and so was handing in clean samples this got me the privilidge of getting my methadone weekly rather than daily. It was then I made the choice to lower my own dosage, I was going to get clean. I would drop myself down 5 mls every 3 days until I was only on 1 ml, now 1ml may not be much but coming off that last 1ml left me feeling like I had the flu for 2 weeks, my body ached all over I felt so ill to the point I was crawling to the toilet it was hard very very hard, I was in a constant battle with my own mind because I knew deep down heroin would make this all go away but I remained strong and kept to my word, I was going to do this. I didnt pick my prescription up again after this, my worker tried to call me numerous times and I ignored her. Once I was well enough I went to the chemist they said your prescription has been stopped I said "Im not here for that I am here to drop this off to be discarded" as I handed her a carrier bag with 2000mls of methadone her jaw hit the floor, not once in her career had she had someone drop their own dosage and come clean in a matter of weeks, she knew people that had been on it for over 10 years.

In my opinion people are on methadone far too long which costs the NHS Millions each year, I believe that if I can do it then anyone can and if they dont then they choose to stay on it. I could not be a part of that life any longer, it caused me to disown my mother again this time for 10 years it would be my late 30's I would get back in contact with her. After I got clean I decided I wanted to be a nurse, I went to University and qualified in 2016. From heroin addict to Nurse was hard for people to comprehend as they thought I was going to be just like my mother and waste my life on drugs. I however, had other ideas and wanted to use my personal experience to help others in the same situation. Having this background enabled me to have empathy for my patients I knew how hard it was to get clean I also knew that it can be done with sheer will power and commitment and I wanted to help people find hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Overcoming a heroin addiction is by far one of the hardest things ive done in my life, I understand why people take heroin but if I could give anyone advice it woud be to get clean life is so much more than drugs. My mother remains on heroin until this day, she got my younger brother hooked at age 14 he also remains on it until this day. I am a lone soldier. I have never looked back infact heroin scares the living daylights out of me, im not judging anyone who takes it I empathise with them, I just knew deep down it was not for me so I got clean and fast! I have often been asked where my strenghth comes from and all I can say is "when the entire world lets you down you become resiliant and thick skinned" My heroin addiction although I have been clean for over 10 years is still used against me, my father disowned me which is okay as he was toxic to me anyways alcohol was more important than me wether he wants to admit that or not it is true. My mother she lost 2 children in a 3 year period she has also been badly abused so I accept her for who she is now, I get why she takes it what I will never get though is why she would encourage her children to take such a drug as it ruins lives and will take your soul clean from under your feet.

To conclude I have breifly told you my experience with onw of the worst drugs the world can offer, this comes from deep within my soul, to anyone who is taking or trying to recover from heroin... There is hope by changing your attitude and the way you think you can overcome this, will power will be tested but if you try and keep going I promise you life can be so much better, dont let heroin control you andf take your soul ... The grass is greener on the other side be strong and give yourself the life you deserve.

I mean no disrespect to anyone who is battling a drug addiction, this is my personal experience and opinion, I just want to offer hope to people and help them overcome the fear attached to this awful drug, 7 days it took me to become addicted... 7 DAYS!!... It really is not worth it, I am clean and I am staying that way, my life has just started positive thinking and meditation saved my life try it, it may help you too! STAY STRONG you can do this!

and my partner was not going to let me forget what I was doing he would call me names, lock me in the house and make me feel low and worthless. I decided to contact addiction services because deep down I knew this life was not for me I wanted to be a better person so I focused on getting clean. I was started on a methadone programme and had monthly appointments with my worker, many clean samples handed in gave me the privilidge of picking my methadone prescription weekly and