Grief 101 Moving is not the same as moving on.

I share my stories based on my personal journey since the death of my husband of 40 years. My experience is not everyone's but there are many widows and widowers who can relate. Today I feel like an empty park bench that needs someone to sit on it to be complete. I am moving and doing and going but definitely not moving on.

People mean well and say things like"I'm so glad you are doing better or getting on with your life. This is because they are not experiencing the same pain and assume all is well but it is not. I had a few days this week where I was not crying and it seemed as though there had been some type of breakthrough but I knew better than to rely on my feelings and I was right. Emotions can be deceptive and they will change on a dime.

I've read articles that suggest that the brain is doing everything it can during grief to keep you from having a full-fledged breakdown, although some people do. I was told of a widow who was so distraught that she had to be put on medication. My heart goes out to her and others who have to have such assistance because if not for the grace of God, there go I or you.

Anyway, I am pondering that If this my brain with help then I shudder to think what would happen without it. Today I went to my 8 year old granddaughter's ballet recital and the entire time I was thinking about my husband who has been gone for 4 months. he called our grandchild his pretty pretty and was so proud of her.

Part of me felt it was unfair that he could not enjoy this milestone with me. The other part of me kept saying that he is in heaven with something more wonderful than watching the ballet. These two thoughts continued to conflict in my mind the rest of the day. I feel like being in a room with many lighted candles but not able to enjoy their light. I've been sad, distressed, and missing him. In spite of it all, I continue to write for Vocal and another site because it lets me know I still have something to contribute. Writing usually takes my mind off of things but today the pain and sadness continue even as I am typing.

It seems like at this point everything gets on my nerves rather than improving my mood. My children and grandchildren have been blessings and continue to try to get me out of the house. Most of the time I go along with them but it is if I am walking in a dream. At restaurants, the local Fair, a paint and sip and the Ballet it felt as if I were in a trance. Life without my partern and friend seems unreal.

I know he is gone but I still long for him to be here beside me. I understand this will not happen but it's how I feel. There have been days when sitting in the sunshine lifted my mood and on other occasions, I was simply hot and sweaty. My youngest son keeps telling me I look sad and I want to scream at him but I don't. No one seems to understand that a part of me is missing that has been around for 45 years.

There are days I don't want to talk to anybody and just want to write and watch television. I want to put my hands in my face and cry but keep smiling so I don't disturb those around me. I have scheduled an appointment for therapy because I have been advised that it may help. Sometimes it's not that I am dwelling on my deceased spouse it's that the sadness lingers without any specific thoughts. I can be doing pretty well and see his screwdrivers or something trivial and tears will fall.

I am moving, taking baths, dressing, brushing my teeth etc. I have been going out of the house and yesterday I sat on a park bench in a quiet neighborhood. All of these things seem to indicate to others that I am moving on and this is deceptive. The nagging grief remains whether I am engaged in an activity or not.

Fifteen minutes from now, however, it could lift and I will feel better. I'm still walking several miles a day and trying to eat healthy but it does not stop the extreme sadness when it hits. I will keep moving along but I have no idea if I will ever move on. I try to ride the waves and not fight them because they do subside. They don't however go away.