Gray/Grey Areas

by Jay Williams 3 months ago in bipolar

"Black and White"Thinking Is Safe-No One

Gray/Grey Areas

Grey or Gray areas... Nothing in life is EVER black and white.

It's funny how the universe works and as of late, I have been tapping in and tuning into what the universe is saying to me. What I have gotten so far, outside of little coincidences, is that I have had a concrete mindset in viewing everything. From the powers to be all the way down to the pregnant teen, my mindset will not waver when it comes down to my beliefs. In a way, it has worked well for me, allowing myself to expand my horizons and thought processes when presented a situation since open-mindedness is something I find great strength in having. In having that belief, I have also been on the end where I would sit frustrated or angry in the way that my mind actually thinks. Exhausting most of the time, My mind is left in a "thought" mess and no matter what I do, I can't see the "Grey/Gray area."

At this point, you are probably wondering what does this have anything to do with anything? Even me, myself writing this am questioning what is the meaning for this particular blog topic. Yet, throughout the week, it's pretty much in my face as to what the answer is but the question itself was right in front of my face,"How does grey/gray areas interfere with my life?" With a chuckle, I answer "Where doesn't it?"

Dealing with my Bipolar disorder on a daily basis, grey areas is a concept in which my mind can not grasp. Waking up with decisions, I am unable to make a concise decision on every part of my life. Whether it's what am I going to wear to what am I going to eat; decisions have always been difficult. Interestingly enough, It also trails into my life decisions such as jobs or finances or even, relationships. I can never focus on the "in between" or even the "possibility" of... anything.

See, where the frustration lies? You may be thinking, "Well, why can't you snap out of it? Where is your motivation for better? Why can't you see these opportunities for what they are...opportunities?" It much more complex for what many people would think are "simple" questions. It is as though my eyes are looking through a kaleidoscope, slowly turn to see various shapes and patterns of choices. Choices upon choices and having the inability to pass judgement, I'm left stuck which triggers me. Pulling my mind in various directions or choices, I can never be ok with just one. I can't decide. I just can't.

When I'm in a Manic state, everything is on hydroplane; deciding on the basis of what emotion is the most powerful in the moment. What I call a "crap-storm", good or bad decisions are firing back and forth at light speed that it would make my head and thoughts spin with Manic's energy in the rear. When there is an insinuation of a possible "grey/gray area" or option, my disorder causes my thoughts to spin further and further down or side and up. Similar to a person experiencing something for the first time, then they proceed to overkill it. Decisions and actions are often not made with thought of logic or reality, just by the seat of the proverbial pants. Everyday things are difficult and I'm left allowing others make the decision for me or just go with the tide. Both aren't solid nor wise decisions within itself and the consequences of this leaves me facing more emotions that the situation had called for it to be.

Going though life, with the way that my mental processes are programmed; Nothing has gray/grey areas. The idea of there being one is as strange to me as a dog walking on it's hind legs. An extremist approach to the world around, I have an inability to see the possibilities of the middle area and being "ok" with it. When most people see options, I'm overwhelmed with too many. Tied with a hyperactive symptom of Mania, I want to say "yes" to all in hopes that one of the "yes" will be the right one. Deciding what would be the best course of action, I am the one who metaphorically stands in the middle of the fork in the road, unable to see a small dirt trail that lies in between. Refusing to look at the foliage surrounding the path, I'm too worried about the destinations that these choices will lead. In even the worry, I am eager to see them the very same time.

Jay Williams
Jay Williams
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Jay Williams

Just a young woman who writes freely, from the mind...holding nothing back.

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