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Giving thanks to my darkness

by Alannah Cruz 2 months ago in recovery

A letter to my darkness

Giving thanks to my darkness


I am most thankful for you this year. Why you ask? I finally have found an answer. I am thankful for you.... Not because you sucked me down deeper and into your hole that filled with thoughts of no longer wanting to wake up and face he tomorrow that will continue to come even when your at your lowest of lows, not because you laughed at the sight of my tears after losing the only parent I had left to a non curable evil.... cancer. Not because you’ve introduced yourself into the homes of my fellow neighbors during this time of deadly virus, not because I have lost so much as many of us have, my home, my steady income.... and the one thing that led me to you, my mind.

Darkness, I thank you for urging me to see what I DO have to be thankful for because for a long while you told me I had nothing to live for. I am thankful for the light. The small light that gave me the strength to reach out and escape you. I am thankful for waking up every day even when I didn’t want to. Not everyone has a choice. I’m thankful for the birds chirping and the sounds of early traffic and the complaints of my teenager in the next room. Not everyone has a choice to be able to hear. I am thankful for the survivors of my fathers battle to cancer. Those who are still here and who will pick up the phone when all I want is to call him. They will pick up when my father won’t. Not everyone has the choice of living. I am thankful for the air that we breath and the chills that it brings, because not everyone can feel. For my dogs, my spoiled and playful pups that battled you Darkness to let their mama go. Not everyone has friends like them. I’m thankful for the little things, my car, my clothes, my toothbrush and my soap, the water that runs freely at our command, not everyone gets to have these luxuries that so many including myself often take for granted.

Darkness, I am most thankful for you. It was you who made me realize that I’m stronger than you. That you cannot allow me to believe your lies that not living is better and easier. I thank you for giving me the motivation to take my life back and appreciate what I DO have. To see that no matter how bad I feel like my life may be, someone out there has it so much worse. Most of all, I thank you for pushing me to rid my life of you. For realizing that I can be my own change and that it is never to late to have a new mind set. I am and I will always be the one who defeated you, my Darkness. And I pray that everyone out there battling you finds the true weapon inside of themselves to destroy you.

And to my father, my best friend.... I am sorry for losing myself for awhile. I’m sorry for not being able to control the cancer growing inside of your 46 year old body. But I am thankful for the time that I did have with you during this time when so many did not have the choice to be by their loved ones side during death. I love you and I promise to be better.

So Darkness, I give thanks to you for opening my eyes to what beautiful life is left around me and inside of me...... thank you.

Alannah Cruz
Alannah Cruz
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Alannah Cruz
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