Gaslight and Tea

Gaslighting. You would need to have been living under a rock to not have heard that word being thrown around quite a lot lately.

If you were in a relationship with someone who was gaslighting you, in most cases, you probably wouldn't even realise what was happening - at least not right away.

So, what is gaslighting?

The definition of gaslighting is to manipulate someone by psychological means, into questioning their own sanity.

What does it look like?

Hannah and Todd are in a committed relationship. One day, they are sitting on the couch together, watching Netflix.

Todd gets up to grab a drink from the kitchen, and leaves his phone on the couch. It soon vibrates and lights up, so Hannah instinctively looks at the screen.

The notification is advising of a new message from someone called Jess, who has written "call me at 9 x".

Hannah's face goes pure white, as Todd returns to the couch. His eyes dart from meeting Hannah's gaze, to his phone sitting between them on the couch. He quickly snatches it up and puts it into his pocket.

"What was that?", Hannah asks. "What the hell was that?", she continues.

"What are you on about?", asks Todd, calmly.

"Who the hell is Jess, and why are you calling her at 9?", Hannah demands.

"What?", Todd responds.

"The message. From Jess. I saw it on your phone. I'm not bloody stupid Todd. Who is she?", Hannah tries to fight back tears but her emotions are taking over now.

Todd instantly responds with with, "Hannah. What the hell are you talking about? I'm not talking to anyone called Jess. The message was from Josh."

"Josh? As in your sister's ex boyfriend?", Hannah asks, puzzled.

"Yes, I ran into him the other day. We are going bowling on the weekend".

"That doesn't make any sense. You didn't even like him. He really hurt your sister. I don't get it. Why would you be going bowling with him?", Hannah asked.

"I don't know, I felt bad for the guy babe. It's stupid, but I'll go bowling and a beer or something and that'll be that", Todd reasons with her.

"But none of this makes sense to me. And I know what I saw on the phone. I can read, Todd. The name clearly said Jess. And there was a kiss at the end", Hannah says, not ready to back down.

Todd starts getting visibly enraged. "So you don't trust me now?", he asks, voice raised. "I thought we were having a nice night, but you've just gotta go and start this bullshit, don't you?".

Hannah stays silent. She hates when he starts yelling at her. Then she realises how they can settle this. "Show me then. Show me the message".

"I'm not going to feed this bullshit Hannah. Sometimes I think I should just go and actually cheat on you. I mean, could you really blame me? If I'm gonna be accused of it anyway, what would I have to lose?", he continues.

Hannah sobs loudly. No words will come out. 'He's really angry with me', she thinks. 'I really need to stop being so insecure. He loves me. Why else is he taking this so personally?', she asks herself. 'I must have read it wrong. I'm just overreacting again', she thinks.

"When you carry on so crazy and paranoid like this, I just don't know how much more I can take, Hannah! I'm going and we can talk about this tomorrow", he says, rummaging around the table for his keys.

"Please stay, we can work this out. You're right. I'm so sorry. I love you", Hannah concedes, sobbing into his chest, her arms pulled tight around him.

He sits his keys back down on the table. "This has to be the last time babe, I can't keep doing this. If you don't trust me, I'll just go", he says softly.

"I do. I do trust you. I love you. I'm so sorry", Hannah whispers, still holding him, hanging on for dear life.

Yes, Hannah and Todd are fictional people - but I can admit that I have been just like Hannah in a previous relationship. I like to think I'm reasonably intelligent, but some people just have a really twisted gift when it comes to manipulation and have the ability to make you believe whatever they want you to believe.

Although in this situation, Hannah had seen this message with her own two eyes, Todd had managed to think quick, and flipped the whole situation on its head, shifting Hannah's perception of what had just happened. See how she was the one left apologising to him?

From an outside perspective, it seems amazing that this can happen. How can somebody change the way you recall a situation you were literally just in, and question what you just saw moments ago with your own eyes?

Unfortunately it does happen. It happens to all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations. Anybody can be a victim of gaslighting.

So, why is it called gaslighting?

Well, I recently discovered where the word 'gaslighting' came from, and I was surprised to learn that it has actually been around for decades.

Although it seems like a new term, as a hot topic being bandied about in the media, it actually originated way back in 1938.

In the thriller play 'Gas Light' written by Patrick Hamilton, a man slowly manipulates his wife into believing she is going crazy.

Bella is being tormented by her husband Jack, into severe anxiety. He convinces her she is constantly hearing things, and imagining that the gas light in the house is dimming - when he is the one behind all of the strange occurrences (hence the title of the play).

So, there you have it. That's all you need to know about gaslighting - and I hope you're never in a first hand situation. If you can recognise that you are in a toxic relationship, please reach out to a friend, family member, or seek professional advice.