First Diagnosis

I didn't even know that Borderline Personality Disorder was a thing until I was twenty-six years old and it was fall of 2019. I remember I had a sore throat so I went to express care, next thing I knew I had strep throat and I was on an antibiotic called penicillin. I can't exactly remember when I started taking the medication, however I do remember the very next day was not a happy one. I was getting ready for work and playing with my daughter on the couch, she was about a year and a half old at the time. I was perfectly fine and then all of a sudden I wanted to kill myself.

It was as if a switch was flipped in my brain. I called my doctors and they said if I was that depressed to call crisis and have someone transport me to the hospital. I had someone come pick up my daughter and then I left in the back of a police cruiser. I did research after the fact and found out that some antibiotics can cause some people who already have depression to have a 40% higher chance of being more depressed. I have talked to my primary care provider and she denied that a medication could cause that to happen. It has happened to me since then with Amoxicillin as well.

I ended up staying in the hospital overnight and then I went to a Crisis Stabilization Unit. It's basically a house where you have staff that watches over you and cooks for you. They also have groups to work on anything you need help with such as better managing depression or substance abuse issues. I stayed there for nine days and my depression was worsening. I had a good day at day eight and admitted to my mom that I had a plan to harm myself while in the crisis stabilization unit. My mom spoke to the staff. I was on constant surveillance from that moment until I left. The staff called crisis and the next day I was in the hospital again, but this time I was admitted to 3 south.

While at 3 south in the hospital I thought I was doing a lot better. I had heard a few patients say the term BPD and Borderline Personality Disorder, but I know I personally don't like talking about my diagnosis so I didn't ask what it meant. I worked out in the gym and made some friends. I still talk to one of them in prayer group actually. He has become a very close friend of mine and he has helped me stay close to the Lord in my time of need. I was in the hospital for about six days before being released. I had done a lot of group therapy while I was there as well as crafts. I even taught three people how to crochet.

When I got home I was doing good mentally. I went to visit my parents for a little while. I went home at one point and talked with my roommate about what we would be doing for the night. She was going on a date so I would be home alone. At this point I had spoken to my sister and she was keeping my daughter for the night so I could have one night to myself that didn't consist of being watched constantly, my son was with his father. I sat and watched a movie then another one and then I finally got up and got a drink. I remember looking at my fridge and seeing my medication and thinking I would be better off dead. Instantly I mentally smacked myself and was just trying to think where that thought came from. I was under the influence of thc at this time as well, this night is why I no longer like to use thc often or in high doses. I fought with myself for over an hour trying to decide if I was going to go through with it or not. my phone was at my sisters which was a seventeen minute drive away but I didn't have a vehicle. I even put on my shoes because I was going to go for a walk to see if there was anyone I could run into that would help me. Ultimately I ended up overdosing, because of the thc amount I took on Monday night I don't remember anything until Wednesday afternoon right before I was transferred. That's when I was admitted to Spring Harbor Facility in Westbrook, Maine.

Just after three days of talking to the providers they came up and talked to me about BPD. They had talked to me about the nine qualifying symptoms/behaviors that when five of them are presented at the same time you have BPD. As we went through the list I has known that I had this from a young age. I could identify as having BPD as early as age sixteen and I wasn't diagnosed until ten years later after seven failed suicide attempts. At this point I finally felt that someone had found out what was wrong with me. From that moment on I started trying my absolute best to stay with counseling and improve my skills so I could have good mental health. I would say I am doing better than I was, but I'm still not where I want to be and I still plan to work on myself a lot.