Feeling Melancholy

It's Tuesday. Work has pretty much ran. I didn't have time to get my morning coffee but I survived the morning. Between talking with patients and asking questions, I laughed for most of the day. Lunch, a Philly Cheesesteak, and a bottle of water. In between work and the laughs, a good hardy lunch is what I needed to get me through the second part of the day. 3:55 PM arrives and I'm leaving the office content. I hit my quota for the day and now it's time to relax.

8:51 PM was when my thought process changed. It became dark. That voice of "you're not good enough" crept into my mental space. When you're depressed, one of the worst feelings in the world is to be in a room full of people and still feel alone. That cold emptiness lingered for another hour. After a relaxing shower, I laid down and pondered on my day and life. My thoughts went from "Yes, I'm taking steps to feeling happy" to "What are you happy about? You have accomplished nothing." My body got tight. Every muscle in my body became rigid. My thoughts went from 5 MPH to 100. "You're not good enough." "You will NEVER have a companion. Get used to being alone." "You won't get that promotion." My eyes rose like the tide at sunset. As hard as I tried to suppress my tears, the more they fell. So, I BROKE and soon the tears flowed. The more I wiped my eyes the more the tears fell. For the next 30-45 minutes my eyes looked like I had an allergic reaction to some cheap mascara; puffy and red. Nose felt like I had a common cold, sinusitis, and allergies. I looked a mess.

After the tears fell and my nose started to declog, I felt sleepy. That 30 minute experience felt like I ran a 5k. I felt hopeless. I felt defeated and lost. I looked at my phone and it was now 10:30 PM. I put my feelings on pause so I could attempt to get enough sleep.

My relationship with my depression is never ending. We fight, we get along, and we fight again. It feels like you could lay anywhere and not move for the rest of the year. You feel sorry for yourself. And what hurts the most is I don't feel like I have the emotional support I NEED. I'm pleased to have a coworker who listens and attempts to cheer me up. She tells me what I don't want to hear sometimes but I know it's coming from a warm place. For that, I appreciate her. But when it's time to clock out I'm weathering the storm by myself.

Mental illness is like the pink spotted elephant in the room. We all know it's present but ignore it. Being around someone with mental illness has nothing to do with logic or problem solving. It has a lot to do with listening and being empathetic.

*UPDATE: Now it's Wednesday. I finally have time to reflect. The question that keeps reoccurring is "How can you be so weak and still have enough strength to GET UP?" Deep down in my soul, I see and feel hope. I see the glimpse of light shining through the darkest night. That little bit of hope gives me purpose to move, to try again, and to keep fighting. The downside from this discovery of hope is the unexpected black cloud that tends to follow me.