Feathers, Coins, Animals

Finding myself alone at 3 am, finally releasing my emotions that I had hid from my kids that day, questioning myself, "Again, why do people die so soon, and in a sad way?, he was just getting home to his family? Why in front of his kids while they were playing out in their little playground, WHY? My brother's death in 2004 hit me hard, just because he was full of life, loved his kids and enjoyed his life every single day with a smile and spunk.... he was basically the strongest one that kept the family together after our father passed away just 4 years earlier to a heart attack. I knew my dad was ready to go, he worked so much as if he didn't want to rest and do nothing to avoid the hurt he had deep inside. I don't know what he loved the most, working or his cancer sticks as he called them, along with his cold ones while jamming to his "corridos" aka Mexican music which told their stories which basically described his life in Mexico. These 2 men in my life that are somewhere unknown, with so many theories and beliefs about Heaven, and where do we go after death, I found myself questioning, demanding answers that I seemed to never of found.

I was always observant as a child, and really nosy, asking questions that a child shouldn't ask, I'll admit. I think that's why my dad would always tell me to go help my mom in the kitchen. I have to say, because of his hand smelling like cigarettes that shooshed me out, I became a good cook at the age of 12 years old, cooking authentic Mexican food. My mom never got a question out of me, that lady talked so much, you would think she was on air doing a cooking show! Boy, I sure do miss her conversations, what would I do to have 1 more conversation with her and my sister. Unfortunately, I lost my mother to liver disease from drinking in 2005 after I lost my sister 2 weeks earlier to cancer. At this time in my life, I didn't really care or question life. I was mad, very mad. 5 reasons why I kept going was for my kids that I have. I don't know what was going on, but I started drinking and not caring about life as much. I didn't want to feel either, just like my parents didn't about their loved ones, "I'll cry later", I thought.

I couldn't help but notice and wonder a lot about nature when I found myself walking with my talkative, sweet kids to school. I tried to avoid questions about certain things about life and death, but my kids were there to remind me with some of their own. "Why is that bird called a bird? Why do cars have 4 tires? Can you buy us some gum like the one's grandma used to buy us? Why did Uncle Joe die, where is he at? They were at that age where they asked about everything! I thought to myself, "maybe that is why I'm not getting any answers I had, because I'm not giving any to my kids!" For the first time in a long time, I felt so excited, I even felt a big weight off my shoulders, I had a big smile on my face, not compared to the ones my loving kids gave me every time I saw them. I just knew I had gotten an answer, especially in a way that I never had gotten before. It came in a thought, How freaking awesome!! You know from that day on out, I answered all the weird or interesting questions my kiddos had! I tested this thought I had and I started to see pennies, feathers, and even repeated numbers. Whether I be walking at the park, coming out my house on my front porch, or doing lawn work, as soon as I would look down when I had the urge to, I would see a feather or a penny. I got curious after seeing them a whole lot, I got very excited. I'll talk about repeated numbers in another story.

I would fall asleep just thinking about good memories about my family, feeling grateful I still had my kids and my sanity. I wanted to put these kids in a bubble and keep them inside away from harm and never leave home, never having to experience a girlfriend/boyfriend to avoid a broken heart, or any tears in life. Wouldn't that be kinda weird but awesome. We didn't have internet to look up any kind of meanings about anything or about life, like how we do now. I just had to use what I could to keep going. I knew my parents weren't fighting anymore, they didn't have to work in the heat, or shed anymore tears, so I felt better about them. I knew they had to be ok. I even started dreaming about them, leaving me with a heartache when I woke, feeling down but happy. I couldn't wait to take naps or go to sleep, just so I could see the blurred image of them again, so I wouldn't miss them so much. I started to learn how to find my meanings to dreams by going to the library or by speaking to people and getting their insight.

Other than with the loss of 4 family members, and dealing with abusive relationships, and trying to keep my sanity, eventually that day came where I had to feel EVERYTHING. I was numbing my feelings through alcohol, drugs and sex, turning into nothing but more problems and tears. I came to a dark place where nobody resided but me. just me, where a lost soul was in a lost place. How does one get out of there? I mean it was nothing but emptiness of darkness, brain fog existed, an aching body due to stress and a stomach filled with beer. The only thing in hand was a cell phone, pen paper and a tired body giving up. Maybe if I told someone my problems, it wouldn't felt so horrible, so lonely, so ugly. Even my own body was tired of feeling that way and finally of sleeping so much, I woke up to a voice that I couldn't hear but it was loud to where I got up and I had answers somehow. Just an inner knowing about what to do to get out of my situation. As if I had a download of information, a reminder of those pennies and feathers that I once was excited about. "OH YEAH!!! HOW DID I FORGET?" This time fast forward years later, we had cell phones and internet, I still had some life in me, studying I went. I got addicted to knowledge about mysteries of life, maybe not real answers, after all, they were just people's opinions, but these opinions were fascinating and it kept me sane and out of trouble.

I started wanting change for myself and my kids, they stayed positive and loving and hilarious despite of what we were going through. They were never harmed or abused in the midst of it all, just me. They actually kept me alive with love and compassion. That was my goal to accomplish, a new way of life with unlimited money flow of money, happiness, so I stop the family chain that was made of tears, unhappiness, worries and financial setbacks that seemed to be linking. I knew life wasn't meant to be lived like this, there had to be more to life than just..... I read somewhere that curious people were successful people. I wanted to know if that was true, I was that kid that was curious, very nosy detective work was in store. I knew my payday was going to be big one day, I knew somehow my life came with a lumpsum of ABUNDANCE!

I always believed everything had a meaning. I had knowledge and the gift of helping people since I was little. I remember a family friend caught himself telling me his problems, I was just 11 years old. He told me I was special for being understanding, I never asked him what he meant by that, but that memory stuck by me for a reason. By the way, I'm a Pisces zodiac sign and after feeling confused, I came across astrology, as if it was put in my path by some source. It all seemed to connect to a memory, once upon a time, to who I used to be before my kids and life started. I started to create myself or better yet, come to know myself again, how I was meant to be before beliefs and wrong upbringings were absorbed in my subconscious mind.

When I had recovered, I discovered some abilities I never knew I had, maybe we were all born with some but not aware of it. I would give people advice and the ability to hear music, certain songs came to my head and once I shared that song or words, they would be amazed because they contain words they needed to hear to overcome something that bothered them. I started using these thoughts that came first to mind to guide me in life, along with these haunting pennies and feathers. Here is a link I wanted to share that I came across when I searched for the meaning, thanks to technology. I hope whoever is reading this, it brings so much relief in your life, just like it did to mine. Whether you find yourself in a break up, divorce, grieving losses in life, or just curious about life. It very filled the void I had for so long, along with writing about my experiences.

http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/7-signs-angels-be-aware-doreen-virtue

I found my lost passion, to write and help anyone that I can. I would be able to talk to people everywhere I went, and I change people's lives just by listening to them without judgement, and truly understand them. I deal with pain in my body due to PTSD from physical, emotional and mental abuse, so I'm unable to go in public a lot or speak to people like I use to. It's hard to even talk to my family at times, fear that they see me in a different way and even trust people in life. It's challenging but I know I didn't get this far to be this far, I will keep going with a purpose. I do want to make this as my career one day, for now, it's helping me get out there and change people's lives for the better. YOU AREN'T ALONE IN THIS WORLD. We are always guided in life, you just have to clear your mind with mental discipline and hear your intuition without second guessing yourself, as long as it feel positive, go for it! I have a lot to say in life and I will share it. This is my PISCES JOURNEY of self discovery, of self healing, of self love. Any donation is very appreciated to keep writing and help make journals to help people living in shelters due to domestic violence. THANK YOU

If you enjoyed reading my writing and would like to see more of my writing, you can support me with any donation so I can continue to inspire and give hope to people.. Thank you in advance.