Fear of Being Alone

Recently I discovered my fear of being alone. I have been afraid to be alone in terms of romantic relationships. I think I've always known this to some degree but it became abundantly clear to me when I found myself staying in a bad relationship. Anyway that is another story, the recent discovery though is how scared I am of being alone with my thoughts and I have subconsciously always found ways to avoid long periods of just thinking and this is what I believe to have been the gateway to my debilitating depression.

Coming from a "stereotypical" African household where emotional topics are rarely discussed I never got into the habit of dealing with emotional issues, discussing them or even thinking about them. My brother and I would open up to each other about our emotional issues but always found a way to make light of what we were going through and laugh about it, no matter how serious it was and this is something I continued to do. I always thought of it as a strength honestly but as I have come to find out, bottling up all those issues is a temporary fix because that bottle will run out of space. And finding a way to smile about some of life's struggles is a good thing but I think the important part I was missing was conquering those problems before smiling about them. The smile was always a cover up, kind of like the way one might laugh at a comment someone says even though it hurt their feelings.

In my case, it's not like I have been through anything traumatic that led to my depression and this is another reason why I did not think my problems were all that bad. But it has been like someone took that bottle that held all my emotional fizzy juice and was shaking it... I distracted myself so much to avoid dealing with my feelings and there is a time when I can remember being at my dad's farm trying to fall asleep and it was so quiet...I mean a deafening silence. I started thinking about what was going on inside but it started to bother me so much that I found my MP3 player and distracted my brain with music until I fell asleep. However that person kept shaking the bottle and shaking and shaking then... PSSSSHHH!!!! (That is the sound the bottle made when the lid popped off). All those emotional issues I had not dealt with were out and needed my full attention. They paralyzed me and would not let me move until they were addressed.

I am still working on sifting through my emotions and incorporating more quiet in my life so I can think without distractions but it's hard to reverse habits I have done for so long. For example I have watched movies/series before bed, while doing tasks, while working out, eating etc., just to avoid thinking and that's something I am trying to stop. I am also trying to incorporate more activities that will give me that "alone time" like meditating and writing—I have always written in a journal but mostly about events, not about how I was feeling when those things happened.

So yeah, I am learning that being alone with my thoughts is not as scary as I thought it was and it is a necessary part of being a human being. It is so easy to get caught up with the busyness of life and it is probably easier to ignore those emotions. However facing them is helping me learn more about the glorious mess that I really am.