Fear In The Face of a Pandemic

I’m not a medical professional by any means. And I realize that one sentence will stop a solid 90% of you from finishing this post. That’s ok. I would love to say I trust the majority of the population to be able to read an opinion piece in its entirety, even if taking it with a grain of salt, but unfortunately we all make immediate judgments and then proceed to ignore the things we don’t like (i.e., the things we deem wrong) regardless of what’s actually true.

I know I’m guilty of it. I just hope you can be aware of the fact that you also have biases too. And sometimes they are very strong, very reactive biases.

But hear me out before you jump to conclusions though.

COVID-19 is, for all intents and purposes, still a very new and very unfamiliar thing for the vast majority of the population. Sure, we hear about it ALL. THE. TIME. But that doesn’t mean we know everything about it. Most people can’t even tell you what the most recent common symptoms list consists of. And most of us definitely are no medical professionals.

I am not anti-vax. I am up to date on all necessary vaccinations and do not argue the necessity of vaccines or herd immunity or any of those related topics. I do, however, recognize that the scientific method and as such, research as a whole, is a very constantly evolving thing. The COVID vaccine is brand new and it is literally impossible to know the long term effects of this new vaccine because we have no way of traveling through time to learn these things. We cannot know how a vaccine may impact our bodies 10 years from now until 10 years have passed. It is literally impossible right now.

Sure, there are hypotheses and I’m sure there are ways to tease out some of the possibilities. But nothing can be guaranteed until it does or does not happen. Vaccine side effects are already hard enough to pinpoint because those side effects can be wholly coincidental or they can be directly correlated to a vaccine and determining which is which has to take in so many factors.

While I have heard primarily positive things about the vaccine, such as no noticeable or worrying side effects, Johnson and Johnson didn’t start me off with a good impression based on their first go around. Now I’m hearing that the Moderna vaccine has a higher chance at causing heart disease in men under 30 than the Pfizer vaccine does. I’ve also heard about several other vaccines and again, while mostly good things, there is enough there to leave me with questions.

I have heard of women whose menstrual cycles have changed significantly as soon as 2 hours after getting their second dose of the vaccine. As a woman myself with a menstrual cycle that is still ongoing, this is concerning. What’s more concerning is that women have historically gone unheard in the medical field when they have had concerns about their physical health. I do not want to be another statistic that has some kind of problem that may or may not be related but is written off as nothing either way. I want this concern acknowledged and I want it studied before I become just another brick in the wall.

As a woman of childbearing age with a strong family history of fertility issues and no children of my own yet, I am concerned about fertility being affected by the vaccine as well. Maybe those negative side effects, if there are any, are minuscule at most. But I can’t guarantee that right now and I feel more comfortable taking my chances with an illness I’m 99% sure I’ve already contracted than injecting myself with something that has not been tested nearly thoroughly enough for me to support.

As a woman with vaccine injury present in my family history, I am concerned about potential side effects of new vaccines regardless of what they may be. There is a damn good chance I won’t catch COVID (assuming I haven’t already) and even if I do, there’s still a damn good chance I’ll get through it just fine with no lasting consequences. I know my body and I know myself enough to trust that I can take my chances with my immune system over a vaccine that may or may not have negative effects on me.

Sure, negative effects of a vaccine may be one in a million. But why would I willingly enter that lottery when my options are comparable without getting the vaccine? Especially considering the vaccine doesn’t even guarantee you won’t get COVID anyway. It’s just a hyped up flu shot at this rate. Sure, it may lower my chances of catching COVID. But it may also increase my chances of something else.

One of the articles I’ve read emphasized the safety of the vaccines so much that it stated the vaccine can even send antibodies into the child by breastfeeding. But if a vaccine can do that much genetically speaking, how much bad can it do to a fetus if the mother gets vaccinated while pregnant and has a bad reaction to it? How can we know what negative lasting effects there are right now if time has not passed enough to find out? Even medical professionals have been able to acknowledge that there is not enough research on the vaccine among pregnant and expecting mothers.

In the last year and a half, COVID has mutated from a glorified flu to something that can cause heart disorders, birth defects, fertility issues, and a whole host of seemingly unrelated health issues that we can apparently magically avoid with a vaccine that was created essentially overnight? Let’s face it, in the medical world, a vaccine created that quickly was either done literally overnight or it’s been in the works for a while already. And neither of those options are good for us. If it was indeed created overnight, then the testing has not been nearly thorough enough to protect our health and safety. And if it’s been in the works for a while, aren’t you even a little curious why that is?

What truly concerns me, though, is the widespread hatred and division that these vaccines have created. No more is COVID the common enemy. No, now the enemy is the unvaxxed. The enemy are those who are different from you. The enemy are those who don’t think like you, who don’t conform like you. It doesn’t matter which “side” you’re on. That last statement applies to everyone. It’s terrifying that there are people that exist who think that a mass inoculation is the only way to stop “this” and “get back to normal”. Our old normal won’t ever return.

This same argument was had with masks. If everyone would just wear masks we could get back to normal. Look at the populations that followed that. Look at the populations who strictly enforced that rule. They are no better than everyone else and now they’re requiring everyday citizens to be vaccinated in order to just go about their daily lives. People are fighting to prevent other humans from working for a living, from being able to get groceries, from being able to go shopping, from being able to socialize with their family and friends, from being able to get food when they don’t feel like cooking. Unless they have a vaccine card.

I am in no way shape or form saying vaccines are bad or that those who support the vaccines should not support the vaccines. You do you, boo. I fully support your decision regardless. But when you begin supporting the shut down of the economy and the loss of personal rights unless citizens start carrying around their little badge of honor signifying that they are “safe” to be around — even though the vaccine does not prevent you from catching COVID or from passing it on — that just seems a little bit too dystopian to me.

It is terrifying that I may be homeless and unemployable by this time next year (and that’s being gracious) if I don’t inject myself with a drug that could potentially have huge life altering side effects because the government and media told me that was my only option, all while they live their normal lives and party on like it’s no big deal.

It’s terrifying to me that the people pushing for mass vaccinations are generally not doctors or immunocompromised people but politicians, media, celebrities, even the pope for Christ’s sake. These people are not medical professionals in the slightest but they are being treated like all-knowing beings we should listen to without an ounce of hesitation or a second thought. Everyday folks like you and me, including our doctors, tend to be more understanding and accepting of personal health concerns putting a pause on our desire to get poked. Why is that?

It’s terrifying to me that we are being told hospitals are beyond capacity yet there are 18 nurses from the same few hospitals in NYC who found the time to audition for America’s Got Talent during this pandemic and continue to perform on the show despite how scary and dangerous COVID is and how horribly impacted our hospitals are and no one is questioning this while praising their heroism. I find it hard to believe anyone who was apparently on the front lines and saw "just how bad" COVID got would put themselves, their loved ones, and their patients at risk like that just to audition for a glorified talent show.

It’s terrifying to me that there is not a single “rule” or “mandate” in effect right now that does not conflict with essentially every other rule and mandate out there and yet a huge majority of the population blindly follows and accuses those who dare question anything of being selfish, among other things.

It’s terrifying to me that nearly every single tv show I watch has somehow incorporated COVID into their plot lines, because we don’t get enough COVID talk in the real world. We really need it hammered all the way in. We really need to be sure we can’t escape it. We really need to make sure that it becomes propaganda we just become numb to. It’s a whole lot easier to make something new become the norm and unquestionably regular when it’s taken over every aspect of your entire life.

It is terrifying how quickly we have allowed something to creep into every single aspect of our lives, from tv shows to grocery shopping to whole entire friendships. But more importantly, it is terrifying how quickly so many people jumped at the opportunity to control others.

I know several people who have contracted COVID, and I know several people who have died from it. COVID is real and it is not something I believe we should completely ignore. But it’s also something we need to acknowledge as being a part of life. We can’t quit our lives because something got in the way. We can’t turn everyone else’s lives upside down because we’re scared. We can’t keep living in this weird dual reality where the media is portraying the world as this post apocalyptic mess with everyone dying and medical staff being completely overrun and overworked when you look at the real world and nothing has really changed significantly.

Get vaccinated if you want to. Wear a mask if you need to. Stay home if you don’t feel safe. But stop turning on your friends and family because they’re scared. I assure you that we are ALL scared by COVID. Perhaps for different reasons, but let’s join together in that fear instead of lashing out against those with “unfounded” fears. You wouldn’t force a child with a fear of the dark to live in a dark room for a week. You wouldn’t force a person afraid of butterflies to be surrounded by a horde of butterflies for an hour.

I know you’re going to tell me those fears aren’t comparable to a fear of a vaccine that’s designed for the greater good. That’s fine. But if your grandparents are still alive, ask them how many people they personally knew who got polio and survived it with no lasting consequences. Then look at your life and tell me how many people have tested positive for COVID but didn’t exhibit any signs or who did get sick but also got better without any severe side effects. A close relative of mine has had ongoing breathing issues due to pneumonia he got over 20 years ago. COVID is not the only thing that may cause lasting effects, but it is one of many things you may catch in your lifetime.

I hope you know that most of those who don’t want the vaccine don’t believe it’s a microchip or some ultra wild conspiracy like that. But it is entirely valid to have concerns and to be scared during a worldwide health scare. It is entirely valid to be concerned about a brand new vaccine. It is entirely valid to be scared of COVID.

We are not immortal. Life is not a guarantee. It’s not selfish to want to see your coworkers faces in person every day. It’s not selfish to want to learn in a face to face modality because that’s just how you learn best (besides, you’re there to learn, not to teach yourself). It’s not selfish to need socialization for your mental health. It’s not selfish to be scared of a vaccine that has not existed long enough to know the long term consequences. It’s not selfish to politely and respectfully ask a person you’re working with to wear a mask when around you because you or someone in your home is at risk. It is not selfish to politely and respectfully decline to wear a mask under any circumstances because lord knows we all know it’s not comfortable, it’s not sanitary when worn improperly, it can be anxiety inducing, and it can make it harder to breathe.

It is selfish to demand everyone else do something to ease your personal fears. It is selfish to demand everyone conform to your wants regardless of their needs because you’re scared. It is selfish to demand people lose their access to education, healthcare, food, entertainment, social life, etc because they don’t hold the same views as you. It is selfish to assume that you know more than or are better than everyone who has heard different information, had different life experiences, suffers from different medical conditions, etc. It is selfish to tell a person they are selfish for focusing on themselves and their family instead of a “greater good” that was decided for us without our consent by people who do not follow said greater good themselves. It is selfish to abandon your loved ones in their time of need because of your fear. It is selfish to leave your loved ones to suffer and maybe die alone because things got hard or scary for you.

“I wish you were here but you’re not, you’re there. And there doesn’t know how lucky it is.”

I know I’m not alone in saying that COVID has caused me huge amounts of anxiety and stress. The fact that my fears have been openly mocked and looked down upon as “silly” or “unfounded” is exactly why people don’t speak up when they do have something going on. Fears are fears regardless of how unfounded or paranoid they truly are. The reactions to COVID have really opened my eyes to how we’ve allowed mental health issues, drug addiction, homelessness, and other widespread epidemics to become such a huge problem. It’s easier to laugh at things we don’t understand and write them off as crazy than try to understand and rationalize a very real experience from someone else’s experience. Empathy is a thing of the past now and that’s a very unfortunate truth.

The moral of my story here is that we are all in this together whether we like it or not. Rather than turning on your neighbor for their fears, embrace their fears and acknowledge that fear as valid because it is valid, whether you like it or not.