Drug Psychosis

The psychiatrist wanted me admitted to the ward, I cant remember what he said to me. He looked as if he was trying to lower my voices, there was pressure on my forehead like it was closing down on me. I relaxed & let it spring back up. I was intrigued by him, it was if he in some way could hear what was happening in my head. He didn't seem to like me & I don't think he had my best interests on his mind. I expressed in my head I wanted the voices to attack him while he was leaving the unit, he stopped & turned his ear towards me. My voices followed me into the hospital, they got quieter during the night. It was if the other patients in there were clearing my head out. One of them identified to me, one of my voices was difficult to get to leave me alone. There was some sort of chant going on through the night, like a clearing spell, voices were approaching me then being silenced. I woke up the next day confused, but there was no more pressure or tension in my head. Which had been caused by all the voices, being so loud all the time. The psychiatrist recommended medication & to stay admitted, he said I wasn't able to go home. He hardly let me speak, he wasn't listening to what I was saying. He was making his own decisions from what he thought was happening to me, without really explaining anything. I just wanted to go home. It was awful in there, nothing to do, trapped in a small area, interacting with other patients that were really unwell. I had to wait to go outside, the voices were there showing concern for me now. The medication was giving me a high, making voices around me happy, then I would get really tired & crash. I really didn't want to be there, I didn't think they were helping me. I thought the mental health team were attacking me, like the voices. Covering up what was actually happening. I did feel more in control of my headspace, but lost control of my freedom. I was thinking about methamphetamine & when I would be able to have it again, I was tense & becoming angry I couldn't have it. The psychiatrist changed & this one seemed more patient centred. He explained to me there were changes in my brain, I told him there was nothing wrong with me & suggested a scan. He told me my drug intake had caused me to become this way. I knew it had nothing to do with the drugs, the voices were real. I witnessed several things that proved to me they were real. I had also heard voices before in my life, when I was a child. I wasn't exposed to methamphetamine until I was 37. Hearing voices didn't seem too strange to me, I believe anything is possible. I couldn't handle the 24/7 violating attack, I was made to tolerate. I had other issues I needed to sort out. I was losing my house, lost my dream job, asked for my daughter to be taken off me & I had a so called boyfriend that was emotionally abusing me. All the mental health team were concerned about was my methamphetamine intake. The psychiatrist released me, after speaking with my daughter. My daughter explained I had always had similar beliefs, to the ones I was expressing now. That was my way of interpreting, why things could be possible. My follow up care was home visits by my case manager. She was caring & understanding, suggestive & supportive. I felt at ease with her, it was if she knew what I was going through. I was in my bathroom, I could feel something crawling through my skin. I felt it escaping, flapping its wings. I looked in the mirror, there were moths evolving out of me. I was having anxiety type symptoms, extreme despair. It stopped, there was instant relief. My case manager called me asked if I was alright. Somehow it seemed as if she knew, how was it so coincidental? The voices consisted of groups, the ones sounding like the mental health team, were on my side. My voices got control of me again, my hallucinations more real. I was admitted to the ward again. My explanation consisted of an infection on my foot this time, anything except methamphetamine, being the cause. I disagreed with my admission, demanding I be released. They got security to restrain me, so I could be medicated. I didn't need security to restrain me, I needed an explanation of what the medication was for. I allowed them to administer medication, after I was fully informed of the medication need. I had been here before, I knew I had to agree with them & accept treatment. I didn't want to be there, I asked for medication every time I was awake. I slept all the time except for when they woke me, for meal times & review. The psychiatrist recommended a new medication, a regular anti psychotic depot injection. I could have it & be released. The medication put me into a parkinson type state; I would shuffle to move, no control over my movement. I was exhausted all the time, I could barely function. My head tilted to the side, I was starting to drool. The voices made fun of me & asked if I had been away. My case manager came to visit me & recognised I was suffering severe side effects. A reversal medication was prescribed, I got some normal control over myself again. I thought they had put me in a permanent state of disability, not able to care for myself. I had a review with a different psychiatrist this time, they wanted to administer the same medication. I refused, I cried, I begged not to put in the zombie like state again. It had no benefit to me. The psychiatrist listened & agreed I should not have that medication again. That was the first time I believed the health care team were actually considering me as a person. The voices were still there, this medication had little to no effect, on how the voices were able to attack me. The medication made me gain weight, made me tired & caused my period to cease. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with skitzophrenia & let me live in this state & only considered how I coped with the situation. I had to function & not share all of my experiences with the psychiatrist. On one occasion I thought I heard him speak to me with his mind. The expression on his face was of rejection, when I made clear with my mind I didn't want to communicate this way. On another occasion the voices attacked him, he was trying to ignore them. He moved in his chair & nodded to a question, I heard the voices ask him. It was like he believed I accepted the voices attacking me. The medication was ceased after a year. I moved house & the voices disappeared. They came back to me after only three days. I was allocated another psychiatrist, he was inquisitive to how I coped. He admitted me. After I expressed I felt like the cause of the voices was gaslighting & they were projecting my thoughts. A new medication was administered, the voices disappeared instantly. I was relieved I thought I had to live with the voices for the rest of my life, finally something that worked. But then the side effects of the medication became too much, I was sleeping over 14 hours a day, no motivation or energy. I felt kidney pain for two days after administration of the anti psychotic medication. My methamphetamine intake did not change. We agreed to stop the medication, I was prescribed an oral medication. I did not take it. My voices returned, it built up to another psychosis quickly. I had at least twenty voices attacking me, feelings of things entering my body, seeing unusual things & experiencing short changes to my body. The psychiatrist put me back on the same anti psychotic depot medication, but at a smaller dosage. I am now symptom free & living a normal life. I even quit methamphetamine.