Dissociative Diaries #1

Living Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Eight days ago, I received my fourteenth Mental Health Diagnosis—Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I want to share with you how our life has changed, and what living with such a debilitating condition is like as well as what purpose some of my alternatives represent—and why they exist at all, at least from what I can figure out so far.

When I say my life has finally begun to make sense the day after my diagnosis, more than it ever has before—I mean that.

I don’t know if there are any American Horror Story fanatics out here like us, but if you are familiar with it—recall season one, murder house.

Where when a person dies in the house, they can finally see all of the other spirits within the home—and that is one of the best analogies I can think of.

That would explain how immediately upon becoming diagnosed, my alternatives began to reveal themselves to me… nearly all of them, too.

So, how many alternatives are within us, you may ask? As of when I am writing this, so far about 40+ of us have revealed who we are and some of what purposes and coping mechanisms we represent, with one we call the ‘Unknown Dissociated #1” who represents my severe states of level 4/5 dissociation.

Now here is where it starts to get crazy, and a bit weird for me anyway.

On day one, there were four active drivers/observers as I like to call us, on day two post-diagnosis, the number doubled to about eight active drivers/observers, day three, that number nearly doubled again to fourteen active drivers/observers, and then today as I write this, I have about 20+ active drivers and observers within my mental impalas inside my system.

I have found that each one of us has a purpose, whether it be protecting my mind from remembering trauma, or that they represent a coping mechanism or two for example—but we digress.

Dissociative Identity Disorder for me personally, all comes down to simply compartmentalizing every part of my life from the points in time I was suffering from abuse both in childhood, and adulthood—teen years too.

This brings me to my next part of our insane lives.

Do you know what it is like, to think you are simply just having a rough day, so you take a nap—only to wake up and find you have switched…

To your twelve year-old self and her memories, with little to no recollection of the past twelve years of your life?

Oh, no? Well let me tell you this, it was horribly terrifying to have woken up as a twelve year old with only my twelve-year-old self’s memories—while being inside your 24 year old self’s body.

Her name is Anna Nexus, and she had no recollection of any of the diagnosises we have received, the memories of the pregnancy from a year prior to today were vaguely foreign—and my relationship of these past two years I had little to no memory of, either.

At least not emotionally.

She was detached in every sense of the word and cried for about five hours straight.

I had no idea why I had so many medications to take, nor why I needed them. I had no idea this is what my adult life was going to be, nor that it would be so painful…

You see, most of us within our system can handle our fourteen disorders and ten physical conditions without issue as most of us are high-functioning generally or high-functioning addicts.

But there are a few of us who don’t even know about all of the previous drug use/abuse, abusive relationships, the diagnosis’ if they are an alternative from prior to age nineteen, and this one was probably one of my scariest switches yet because of the incredibly foreign life I now am living every day.

I do not know what purpose this story has, other than to educate or simply write our way into the void, but if you want to hear more about my life with Dissociative Identity Disorder, or any of my alternatives in my system—or if you have questions, please do feel free to drop a or a comment/gratuity of what you would like to know more about!

In my next post in my Dissociative Diaries Collection, I will be diving in depth into the terminology of D.I.D., as well as how those terms translate into our lives, as well as to introduce each of us.

I originally had planned to write it all in one huge long form post, but I know what it is like to have the attention span of a gnat aka, ADHD, so I will be breaking this up into an entire series of us. ❤️

I hope if you are struggling like I am, or if you can relate, that this series will be of some relate-able guidance for you.

Just remember though, to always seek help from your mental health team if you are struggling and the Internet is NEVER an applicable substitute for therapy—just a disclaimer. :)

Lilith Morningstaar is an Alter in a D.I.D. System called The Luciferse as a part of the Scene Queens System and Sub-Systems and is the present host for us, and she wanted to share the story of her co-driving headmate's experience switching in as the host of our Luciferse.

Lilith also loves to write to her readers, and connect with them too! Please feel free to leave a like/comment/gratuity if you would like to read more from our 'Dissociative Diaries Series', and we all thank you for taking the time to read our stories. ❤️