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Dissociation

A Day with Dissociation

By ElPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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I woke up today. Or did I? I can’t really tell.

It seems from the minute my eyes opened I felt funny, weird, something wasn’t right. I mean I know I have a lot of stress on and I didn’t exactly sleep well because of the anxious thoughts weighting and sluggishly rotating in my brain, but that’s normal for me.

I stayed in bed way longer than I needed to, my mother brain telling me that you had a rough night so take it slow. So I eventually got out of bed at around 11. I think. I don’t know. I don’t really feel time moving today.

I feel a little drunk, although I haven’t touched alcohol for days. Maybe it was a response to seeing the housemates all out, associated it with me being there too, rather than the reality of watching Mamma Mia that past evening. But still, I feel fuzzy and fragile. Everything seems a little off, a little blurry like my mind is a camera that is just about to focus.

'Focus!'

No luck.

I spend the whole day at the verge of focusing, I know what my brain needs to do, but it's ignoring me, the little anxious girl inside is too loud and distracting, creating tantrums that scream 'look at me.'

Though the little anxious girl cries about the exam, the report, the shopping, and lessons taught, it’s not motivating, it wants to just go back when the little anxious girl was just that; a little girl.

I’m still waiting to wake up, patiently I anticipate that moment where my brain switches on, reconnects and carries on.

Still nothing.

I’m talking to my partner but my fingers don’t seem to type the words I mean to say. I go chat with the girls but it’s like some other person is in my body, going through the motions, cracking sarcastic comments and laughing on cue. Whilst inside I’m saying ‘Hello?’ into an empty echo.

It takes me practically all day to realise the fact. The word that’s been touched a couple of times; Dissociation. ‘It’s linked to your anxiety’ my psychology brain says, ‘you just need to have a mindful day’ it states to thin air.

Then I have the stenching reminder of the upcoming deadlines, the plan you spent all day doing last week instead of actually doing the work you needed to do. It was made so things didn’t seem so overwhelming, but when the other things are mentioned, my brain is in denial.

‘I’ve got time,’ my logic brain says in response to the anxious little girl who’s started racing the heart that keeps these parts together, sending the shaking down to my fingertips.

Somehow my brain seems to read the pages of the book though, watches the episodes of Once Upon A Time and the Marvel bloopers. Again the trained mechanism laughs at the right time, pretending to feel joy, tricking my mind into thinking it’s real.

It's later in the day now, I realised I forgot to eat lunch, and I left a teabag in a mug next to the kettle I’d boiled an hour ago. I completely forgot, the mechanism obviously wasn’t up to the task.

I don’t know how to say to anyone what to do, I want someone here yet I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep this strange dream away. I want to restart the day, Take Two! Wake up in the morning refreshed and with a better face, the connections in place.

This weekend was a little bit of a fail, I don’t really know where the time went. But I still smiled and laughed, I didn’t cry all night, I felt the ache of missing my mum.

I did okay this weekend. It’s a fresh week in an hour and 18 minutes. That can be my Take Two.

anxiety
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About the Creator

El

20yr old English girl, bisexual student at university

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