Diary of an unhinged mind - Part 4

Some days I have vivid dreams. I can recall conversations, colours, feelings, my state of mind... but when I wake up - I can't get rid of it. The images play in my head constantly. It replays like a move, over and over. I feel I am there over and over...

The first part of my dream I was with P, we were on a very high floor of a building that was being evacuated. The stairs ran down the outside of the building. Heights are my one great fear (apart from abandonment and rejection). I cried and a I shook, I just knew I couldn't do it. I got into the lift even though you're not mean to use a lift in an evac.

It went down and was stopped halfway between two floors and I had to pry the doors open and climb out. I was in a basement/loading bay/laundry type of surround. I could see people in front of me running along a track, they were panicked. Suddenly they were sucked into a void at the end of the track. I knew they were dead. I had seconds to figure out what to do before I too was sucked to my death, I looked up to my left and saw vending machines. I knew an area that was safe for staff would not be a danger. Somehow I climbed up the wall to the platform, then could see the doorway outside. I made it down and just as I walked out there was a group of armed men waiting for anyone that escaped. I thought I would be shot dead immediately. I had my hands raised, I told them I was unarmed. I asked them to pat me down, and the guard said it might get sexual. I didn't care at that though, he could do what he wanted if I lived.

There was an American actor, an American reality star in amongst the panic. In another 'scene' I was in a huge blue hall. It was a hotel suite. I was stood opposite a French man who was courting me. We kissed passionately, but I realised immediately he was a bad kisser and nothing like P. He was incredibly wealthy and feel this was my realisation that wealth cannot replace love. He owned the hotel. He was a French actor I saw in a show recently, I am not at all attracted to him. Was I in a movie?

This weighed on me so much yesterday, that I drew the scenes. I had to talk myself through the actions and images. The feelings.

I have dreamt since being a small child. Many dreams I grew up thinking were memories. I have never been on a helicopter around the pyramids of Egypt. I have never been attached by man-eating pumpkins.

I used to have a reoccuring dream of being in a parked car at the top of a beach cliff. My Dad was outside the car. The handbrake wasn't on, and the car was rolling towards the end of the cliff. It's hard for me to remember now the conclusions. One night I know I went over the edge. One night I think I tried to stop the car by standing in front of it with my hands out.

I felt disengaged the whole day yesterday. I couldn't focus. Even driving to school I wasn't sure where I was, what speed zone I was in. I continued on 40kms an hour for several 100 metres after the school zones. I tried to study, but procrastinated with drawings and anything else I could fill my brain with.

Today I have a deadline. I tend to be able to make them but I will panic and probably cry. A deadline helps me to focus but I don't like living like that.

Double shot coffee today, and probably another one later.

Try to be good to yourself today Karo.