Derailed Dreams - Part 1

I am a simple woman. I've never had extravagant dreams and goals. The so-called 'simple life' sounds glorious to me.

I'm truly blessed to have everything I need to live that dream, and more, at my fingertips.

Those wonderful IQ tests we've all taken at least one of, tell me that I am of above-average intelligence. I wouldn't go so far as to say genius, by any means, but I'm not stupid either. That may even be a big part of my problem.

My parents didn't put much stock in education. Dad was pulled from school in the third grade to go to work, a fairly common practice during The Depression Era. Mom dropped out of high school to get married and start a family. As far as they could see, their lack of education had done them no harm. They had eight children and would never have been able to afford post-secondary education for any of us anyway.

I have always had an insatiable thirst for knowledge. My sister taught me to read when I was four. It unlocked a world of possibilities. The biggest problem was that my parents were too tied up in just getting by and keeping the roof over our heads to help any of us pursue knowledge outside of their religion. Their closed minds didn't help either. If it wasn't going to immediately put food on the table or draw us closer to God, in their minds, it wasn't worth wasting our time with.

I grew up with my nose buried in books. I was blessed to have teachers throughout school that always praised my effort and encouraged me with extra assignments to help quench my thirst.

I kept myself quietly busy throughout most of my growing-up years. My parents had a sign hanging in our dining room that was a constant reminder -

'Boredom is not having the mental capacity to rub two thoughts together.'

Not one of us ever wanted to be considered THAT daft! So I learned early on to find ways to keep myself entertained.

I went, for the most part, unnoticed, especially by my parents. It's easy to slide quietly backstage when you have half a dozen rambunctious, trouble-making brothers.

I never really honed in on any specific 'Life Path'. With my love of education, it's a little bit sad that I didn't take full advantage of the many opportunities I've had to jump into post-secondary programs. My interests were, and still are really, far too scattered to refine down to any one course of study.

I have managed to squeeze out an Animal Sciences Diploma with Honors. That was motivated by determination and fear. I'd moved in with a farmer that had a herd of 35 beef cows and worked 16-hour days off-farm. After my first calving season, I figured out that there was a lot I needed to know if I planned on sticking it out. It's a job that can be deadly if you don't know what you're doing.

What was meant to be a two-year online program I completed in six months. It would have gone quicker, but I was completing assignments faster than the instructors could mark them and unlock the next module. My final grade was 98 percent.

I'd done it without telling a soul. I didn't want to disappoint anyone if I failed and I didn't need people asking me how it was going. I just needed the knowledge.

I'd done it while running a farm, raising two kids, keeping a house, and working from home.

There was no grand graduation ceremony. Which was just fine by me. I hadn't done it for recognition.

When the diploma came in the mail I put it in a frame and hung it on the wall without saying a word. My now husband was completely speechless when he saw it and I told him what I had done.

The list of other courses I'd like to take is endless, but the older I get the harder it is to concentrate. Life keeps distracting me with curveballs.

I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever been bored. I wish I could slow my brain down to JUST rubbing TWO thoughts together in any given moment. I don't think that's even possible though. My thoughts are a constant buzz, there are so many it seems like a constant swarm of angry bees.

I want to do it all. I want to love, create, and be passionate. I want to make my friends and family happy. I want to experience all that is joyful and exciting. I want to engage in deep conversations. I want to share my knowledge, love, faith, and passion with the world.

I want to know everything there is to know about all that I love. I want to learn how to make the world a better place and how to help others. I want to learn all about being self-sufficient and teach others to do the same. I just wish I could absorb all of that knowledge through osmosis.

Unfortunately, there are not enough hours in the day to do it all. It seems that the older I get, the more my body just wants me to slow down and sleep. Yet my brain will still whirl about and nag me to be doing... something, anything. The wires are starting to get crossed and there are days that I wonder if I can even manage to string my thoughts into a concise sentence, let alone figure out the steps I need to follow to do just one thing, but I get up each morning and try.