Depression and Sleep

The longer that I have suffered from depression, the more complex my relationship with sleep has become. Not being able to have a consistent store of energy is one of the most frustrating aspects of this illness, both because I try so hard to do all the things you’re supposed to do to get a good night’s sleep, and because it is absolutely no fun being tired all the time despite whatever you try.

Tiredness caused by depression is more complicated than not getting enough rest each night, but what can this look like and how can poor sleep affect us day-to-day?

Insomnia

Depression and insomnia can often come hand in hand. I used to think that insomnia was not being able to sleep at all. However, insomnia is more complicated than this. The NHS gives advice and details here.

Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night, inexplicably, and can’t get back to sleep. At other times it takes you hours to nod off, because your brain has decided that that is precisely the moment to ruminate over negative thoughts.

Some nights you drop off with no problem but wake up constantly throughout the night, falling back into tense, fitful dozing that makes your body ache. Similar to this are the times when you feel like you’ve been awake all night, your whole body clamped rigid, fists and teeth clenched with even your eyes screwed up.

Then there are the nights when you feel wide awake and nothing, but nothing, will shut your brain down bar absolute exhaustion. It becomes a waiting game where your body desperately pleads with your mind to give in.

Excessive Sleep

At the other end of the spectrum, is sleeping excessively. You sleep for nine hours and your alarms (many, many alarms) wake you up exhausted. Nine hours didn’t work, so you try ten and wake up just as tired, if not more. Without your alarms, there is no regular wake-up time. Your circadian rhythm has deserted you.

Someone tells you that you look tired (the dark bags gave it away, didn’t they?) and says you need an early night. Perhaps eleven hours a night would do the trick?

Whenever you arrange to meet friends or family at the weekend, you make sure to set your multiple alarms, even if you’re not meeting until later on. Otherwise, you can’t guarantee that you’ll wake up in time to get ready, let alone complete your normal chores, because you never wake up at the same time twice.

Sometimes, there’s an unpleasant mingling of insomnia and excessive sleep when you can’t get to sleep at night and struggle to wake up in the morning.

Waking Up Tired No Matter What

Whether you struggle to sleep, stay asleep, get up, or all of the above; you wake up tired. Not the kind of tired that coffee can fix, although it’s always welcome.

We’re talking fog in your brain. You can almost see your thoughts wisp away; you feel confused and this lasts throughout the day. Some days it fades into the background, but often it stays front and centre.

Whilst your brain is foggy, the rest of your body aches and your muscles feel heavy; it doesn’t encourage you to move. Your head can feel the heaviest of all, as if your neck muscles aren’t meant to lift such a weight. Your eyes feel sunk into your head and you can almost feel the bags under them, tempting your lids to close.

Sleep Deprivation

When you can’t get a good night’s sleep and haven’t had one since you can’t remember, it takes its toll.

At times, you become less tolerant and holding your temper can become more difficult. You start to save energy for the things that you really need to do. Frustration creeps in when someone suggests you do something (even fun things) that you didn’t plan to do, because your energy reserves are always dwindling. If you had known about the fun thing in the first place, you would have saved the energy for it.

You can become clumsy which doesn’t help your mood. Sometimes you feel as if everything is going wrong and that nothing can go right. When you can’t get a good night’s sleep, it’s hard to reset this negative mindset and it goes around on a loop, feeding depression.

Constant State of Recovery

Your body feels broken on a daily basis, as if you’ve survived a gruelling physical ordeal each night.

There’s a conflict between wanting to rest and recover, but also wishing desperately that you could achieve more than the basics. If only doing something ‘extra’ wouldn’t mean that you’d pay for it the next day with deeper exhaustion. You wish that your ‘extra’ wasn’t so trivial.

Fantasising about a break from being so tired, you carry on in the hope that tomorrow might be the day you wake up feeling refreshed from sleep.