Death is at your door step
It was cold and she was empty. She could feel nothing but despair. Alone in a dark room she lay in her rugged and broken bed. Her curtains pulled back and window wide open so she could stare out in to the blackness of the night sky. Jess the young girl, who nobody cared about, had nothing to lose and nothing to fight for. She was on her own and to her that was normal because she had never known anything different.
Jess dreamed of death, she so desperately wanted to die. She thought the world would be better off without her. After all what could a girl like Jess possibly bring in to this life when she doesn't feel good enough with in herself.
"I just want to die, I just want to die" She chanted over and over and over again.
Nobody ever even acknowledged Jess because to the world and everyone around her she was invisible. She was non existent. And it got to a point for Jess where she was OK with that.
One day Jess sat quietly in her living room when the door bell rang. Her body tensed up in shock and all of a sudden this cold breeze washed over her body like the washes crashing ashore. Jess got up slowly and started to head towards the front door. It was an unusual feeling for Jess because no one had ever rung the door bell before. Her heart was racing and her eyes widened. She was scared. She reached for the door handle trembling in the unknown. She opened the door only to find that no one was there. She started to close the door and realised that a small, old looking box with what looked like burnt strips of paper was sitting on the doormat.
She went inside with the little box and sat back down on the couch.
She stared at the box for 10 minutes wondering what could be inside before finally having the courage to open it.
"Death is at your door step" was written on a red piece of silk.
Jess had always been a bit of a lost soul and found herself surrounded in dark energy. And in that brief moment while she sat there in silence she knew. She knew that somehow, some way her time was coming to an end and she was happy. She was content. She thought to herself, finally I will be going somewhere I feel like I belong.
Later that night Jess lay down again in her broken bed and waited. She waited for something to happen, anything to happen. But nothing ever occurred. She is still waiting for something to change and she's sad that it hasn't.
Jess wanted to die because she felt like she had no life.
What Jess didn't realise is that she was already dead.....
I wrote this short story remembering how much depression weighed heavy in my life. Growing up in a toxic environment with drugs and alcohol being the normal, with no role models and no one to guide or help me grow, took a toll on me and being as young as I was when this all started, it was the only thing I knew. From the age of 7 my childhood started to disappear. I had to grow up a lot quicker than I should have. From the age of 10, depression and anxiety kicked in and it only grew more severe from then on. Feeling alone, isolated and like I didn't or shouldn't even exist.
Depression and Anxiety is such a common thing these days and many people still don't understand the effects it has on someone. When you go to such a dark place on your own and feeling like there is no way out is such a scary thing to process. How do you get out of that space? How do you try to see the light you so desperately want to see? Will anyone understand? Can anyone help me? All these things we ask ourselves in the depth of our darkness.
We all experience and take things in differently and that is okay but one thing that should never be over looked or disregarded is your depression.
Own your depression.
Be brave with your depression.
And know that you are not alone.