Dear World.

Dear World,

It has been far to long since I last wrote to you. Life as we know it has changed so drastically since this year started. 2020 was supposed to the "THE YEAR!" Well let me tell you what a start to "THE YEAR" it has been. It is definitely the year.. but it's definitely lacking some serious positivity and happiness.

I remember reading posts of people saying that 2019 was NOT their year due to a number of various different reasons. Sometimes people just have a shitty year. But every year there are people (not necessarily the same people) who say they had a shitty year. Having said that, 2020 will go down in the history books as one of THE WORST YEARS for this generation!

Not only is mental health a huge challenge for society and it's not as bad as it was in the past, because people are finally speaking out and not letting the "stigma" get to them... but right now, in this particular time it has been HARD. I NEVER in my 33 years of life on this planet would have ever thought that I'd be living life experiencing what is going on in the world today.

World, life is crazy. There is a Pandemic. They call it COVID! COVID-19! aka Coronavirus! Although it actually has nothing to do with Corona beer - thank goodness for those who drink! LOL! It's crazy because you'd think people would be hoarding the food in the grocery stories, but nope.. They hoarded the toilet paper! FREAKING TOILET PAPER! It's like people thought, "OMG, the world is going to end, so I better stock up on TP!" Like for real. If the world was really ending, we'd know it and worrying about having a clean ass would be the least of my worries. For years to come, 2020 will always be known as "the year we survived the toilet paper shortage." I just seen a meme that said, "if you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should have seen a doctor a long time ago!" LOL.

Anyways, enough about the TP debacle. At first I didn't think this virus was something I should be cautious of worried about. I thought "yeah whatever.. it's just another flu.." And then.. the whole world started to shut down. Like LEGIT. I knew it was serious when they announced Disneyland was closing. Disney don't close EVER! But seriously. When they started talking about closing schools and ALL recreation services and telling us to stay home, I really started to take it seriously.

It got really bad during the kids spring break in March. What was supposed to be a relaxing 2 weeks vacation was the complete opposite. When you have a child who is immunocompromised and you realize this shit is SERIOUS, you start to worry! I was so worried about having to go back to work caring for other people's children and then come home to my child. I was sick to my stomach because of the stress. I have spent many many hours in the hospital with her due to her asthma in the past. Her asthma is better controlled now then it was 1.5 years ago when she switched inhalers. However, it's still not 100% controlled. We are able to manage her attacks at home, which are not nearly as bad as they used to be. Having said that, she will wake up wheezing and it's always scared me.. but it's definitely MUCH scarier now.

My biggest fear is her getting sick and ending up in the hospital because this is a nasty respiratory virus and her lungs already go through so much. We have literally limited who she sees. It sucks, but I have to keep my baby safe. Once I started really taking this seriously, she stopped going into stores, she stopped going into anyone's house but mine.

During the weeks leading up to spring break ending, I became super depressed. It's exhausting being stressed about the 'unknown.' I held everything together so well for so long. I also started to become super afraid for my daughter because of her asthma. I am LITERALLY terrified for her to come into contact with this POS virus. I would not be able to survive without her if something were to happen to her. So I am doing everything I can to keep her safe. She's basically in a bubble for a while! My husband basically asked me how I wasn't falling apart. He believes that I was ignoring how bad this virus was because I was afraid and didn't want to admit it was as bad as it is. And looking back, I think it was probably true. If I just lived my life not worried about it, like it was nothing, then it wouldn't affect me.

There was one day I remember I felt super down and depressed. Not knowing if I was going to be forced to go back to work. Not knowing anything really.. Everything felt like it was being left till the last minute. I remember just wanting to sleep, because honestly sleeping was better than facing reality. Justin asked me what was wrong and I didn't want to talk. I woke up from a nap and decided I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to shut my brain off. In that moment, I had two choices. The first choice was to go back to sleep... The second choice... well it would have been REALLY stupid.. It could have cost me my life. I laid there, half asleep on the couch and thought, I can't take this anymore.. I either want to sleep or slit my wrists! But I knew that was NOT the answer. That was NOT going to make things better.. I KNEW that I would regret it had I done it and lived.. So I went back to sleep. I couldn't even tell him. I didn't want to tell ANYONE! Not those exact details at least.

So I slept. I slept ALL day on and off basically and then slept all night. When I woke up the next day, those HORRID feelings of wanting to harm myself were gone. THANK GOD! A few days had passed and I finally told Justin about that feeling that I had. Until right now, there are only 2 people that knew about this. My husband and a fellow EA. I didn't want to burden anyone with my drama.

World, I want you and everyone else that reads this to KNOW, I would NEVER harm myself. The thoughts cross my mind, but IF I were to ever ACTUALLY act on it, I WOULD talk to someone. If the pain and struggle was so hard that I literally could NOT actually handle it anymore, I would tell someone immediately. I know this to be true, because when I was suffering from serious anxiety a few years ago, I told Justin immediately. Of course he couldn't make the anxiety go away, but allowed me to talk about how I was feeling, which helped. But I know that in a situation such as this where I had thoughts to harm myself, I KNOW there are people out there who would listen, who would comfort me and be there for me. And I have such a strong connection with my children. As I could not live without them, I know they would struggle without me. I could NEVER do that to them. Of course I could never end my life because it would hurt my husband, my parents and my grandfather and I couldn't put them through that. But I love my kids more than ANYTHING in this entire world and know I need to continue to be here. My family and my kids are what keep me going. They are what help me continue to fight. And recently, praying has really helped comfort me as well.

I haven't had those feelings again since. I have an IMMENSE, INTENSE fear of death, so I have that going for me! I struggle to sleep sometimes because I am afraid of dying. The fact that it is THE ONE SINGLE thing I have NO control over, scares me!

Recently world, I have been praying at night before I fall asleep. It honestly gives me the comfort and strength that I need. Once I have prayed, I can fall asleep quickly. If I don't, I could lay there awake for hours. World, I am NOT writing this to frighten anyone. I am writing this because I KNOW there are people out there who have the same HORRID thoughts as me. My medication definitely helps keep me sane, but there are people who aren't able to choose the "correct" path. -- Like I can go to sleep or slit my wrists. I KNOW in my mind, my heart and my soul that the right decision is to sleep. I hate that I slept the day away, I feel a bit depressed about it afterwards, but I remind myself that sleeping on and off all day is what I need for my mental health and my wellbeing.

I know that things fall apart, but eventually they fix and resolve themselves one way or another. People have told me before not to share certain things about myself. I am sharing my story, my struggles, my life with you because I KNOW there are people struggling so hard to get through this.. And I WANT THOSE people to know they are NOT alone! <3

I am struggling with pain because I cannot go for my weekly massages. I know there are people struggling with an abundance of things because there there things that they cannot do that they would normally do to help boost their mental health scale. They feel empty, lost and broken because of what Covid is doing to this planet.

I want you to know world that my thoughts DO NOT define me. I KNOW that I am STRONG enough to fight the bad thoughts and feelings! I KNOW that I am worthy and that I deserve to continue living my life on this planet.

I want whoever reads this to know that IT IS PERFECTLY OK TO NOT BE OK! Those HORRID feelings that you have are just that, they are FEELINGS. THEY WILL PASS! You may have some feelings of sadness, but you will feel happy again! You may sometimes think, "fuck I can't take it anymore. I just want to die." I've had those thoughts, believe me. And for someone who is INSANELY afraid to die, that's fucked up! But YOU CAN take it! If you need to "escape", go to bed and sleep. Sleep all day if you have to, because your body need to rest.

YOU CAN AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT! I promise! I know this to be true, because I was severely depressed after an MVA in 2012 when my vehicle was rear-ended. For an ENTIRE year I felt like if I had to continue living in pain, then I didn't want to live. And I told my husband about it.. I told other friends and family about it. I told my doctor how depressed I was, but he didn't listen. Super sad, I know. So if you experience this too and your doctor doesn't listen, YOU NEED a new doctor.

Here is a link I found about surviving suicide if you feel like you are alone (YOU ARE NOT.. Please remember that).. https://headsupguys.org/five-steps-overcoming-suicidal-thoughts/

World, you are one fucking HOT MESS right now! But despite everything going on in the world right now.. Remember this:

You are BIGGER & BETTER than whatever is intimidating, scaring or hurting you! We are ALL in this together.. We will overcome this.

If you are someone who is struggling with depression or thoughts of self harm or suicide, PLEASE PLEASE reach out. I am here to lend an ear myself to listen if you feel that you are truly alone. But you can also call the following hotlines to speak to someone:

USA - https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Canada - https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html

https://thelifelinecanada.ca/help/

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html

You are IN CONTROL! Your thoughts DO NOT define you! As tough as it might be to fight those feelings, You CAN do it! You are stronger than you know! Hang in there because you.. Yes YOU my friend.. ARE WORTHY! You are worth LIVING! You were given this life.. Cherish it! Never give up hope! Because there is ALWAYS sunshine after the rain! <3

And just think, years from now, we will ALL have a crazy fucked up story to tell our children and grandchild. Like how we survived the world's largest toilet paper shortage, the Tiger King Documentary and how Carole fucking Baskin killed her husband! =)

Love, peace and happiness to you all! <3