Dear Little Me

Dear little me, you don’t have to hide anymore. Behind fake smiles and pleasantries, for strangers who say they know who you are. The shadow of a father’s name doesn’t leave much room for grace; when you’re never allowed to make mistakes. They said to be perfect and I tried… it took me so long to realize that no one is.

Dear little me, you don’t have to be afraid of love. I know it has been confusing… you didn’t really know what it was. Life was full of messed up examples, but you’ll find the real stuff soon enough. Then again, soon enough won’t feel like soon enough.

Dear little me, I’m sorry for not knowing better and for not keeping you safe. I’m sorry for growing up too fast and for feeling so much self-hate. I’m sorry for not being honest and for not making more friends. I’m sorry for trying to please others and for always giving in to them. I’m sorry for believing people that I should have never given trust and for thinking, even for a second… that you weren’t enough.

All the times you’ll think of dying, know that God will be there to save you.

I hope you’ll forgive me one day…

I’m trying to.

Dear little me, I’m a mom now and I’m constantly trying to heal, so the brokenness that lived in you won’t affect how my son feels. I’m striving to achieve what you’d never believe we could possibly ever do. My therapist says that it’s funny, because what’s holding me back… is you.

Dear little me, how sad we were before. Weeping oceans upon oceans on the shower floor… Never truly showing who we were or what was done. We were only a small child, unnoticed and alone.

Oh, how she smiles! What dimples and long hair! She is such a beauty, her skin so soft and fair. She is also kind? How lucky is her father. He truly taught her well. Her politeness and her charm… incomparable to most. He must be truly proud, for he has reason to boast.

Dear little me, you no longer have to pretend… that everything is okay when inside, it is the end. I know all that you kept hidden, how you shoved it deep inside. A smile on your face to cover the secrets and the lies. A fraud, you thought of yourself… but that simply isn’t true. Others used you and abused you… the problem was never you.

Dear little me, I can’t save you from what’s to come… but I assure you it will end and you won’t have to run. The pain will soon be over and your scars will begin to fade. You will find a soul that loves you, even covered in all of them. The pieces of your life will slowly build into something new. It won’t ever be the same, but you won’t want it to. Because the difference is amazing! You won’t recognize yourself… only sometimes from a memory, like a picture on a shelf. However, most days are happy… some are perfect or fine. Even the regular days are better than what you’ve had in your life. Because, what is considered “bad” now… really isn’t that bad. I wouldn’t change it for anything… at least now, you laugh.

Dear little me, you can smile again. Bring the light once more to your eyes. Because, life can be forgiving… I’m no longer horrified. I have found a way to not just exist and survive… I have found a way to truly live… and cherish my young life.

It’s hard to think so much has happened, as I am still yet so young.

Dear little me, we are moving forward… we will keep fighting. Some days we lose… but today… today, we have won.