Dating Mental Illness

According to the World Health Organization, one in four people will be affected by a "mental or neurological disorder." They claim 450 million people are currently suffering from some form of mental illness. So there is a rather decent chance that the person you are going to fall in love with, or have fallen in love with is dealing with some phantom trauma. For me, it's living with anxiety, mania, depression, and autism. Mental illness isn't some fun thing you get to claim as an excuse to bask in the toxicity of your behaviors. It's a real, life altering, problem. And it makes things so much harder than they need to be. Especially relationships. There are, however, a few things you need to remember if you are dealing with a mental disorder.

1. You are not burdening anyone by talking about how you feel.

I am not an open person in general. I rarely talk about what my mind is actually doing on a minute by minute basis to anyone. But I did TRY to talk about it. In high school, I heard the jokes about it. I would hear kids joke about how "so and so who has an attitude is just being bipolar." Speaking as if it is something that comes and goes occasionally. Dismissing it simply as a mood change from happy to angry.

I have snapped a few times and terrified the living shit out of some of my closest friends. Temporarily alienated myself. I didn't like seeing their judgmental looks.

I had exes get irritated that I was "being so emotional" and wanted me to not share so much. The relationship wasn't so deep, I guess, that she cared to know why I acted and reacted the way I did. My reactions to things can be confusing and terrifying from the outside looking in. I understand that now. But thanks to the wonderful woman in my life, I also realize that talking about things helps them appear less terrifying and confusing to the outside party. I also realized that talking helps me feel better quicker. It keeps my "episodes" from lasting so long, or being so extreme. It gives me something to tether myself to when I feel like I'm slipping further away from the gravity that keeps me grounded to my own world.

Also, realize that having someone suffering from mental illness open up to you is a blessing. And you should feel special. Because the stigma surrounding mental illness, and the negative reactions and comments aren't just mine alone to hear. Most people facing these internal unseen pains, deal with this kind of judgement and fear on a daily basis. If they are opening up to you, it means they trust you. Trust is something we have been drained of, and don't really have too much to offer up anymore.

2. Be patient with yourself.

Every day is different and presents new challenges and struggles. Today I woke up low. I don't have the motivation to shower, or brush my teeth, or even microwave leftovers for lunch. I don't have the motivation to clean and I really don't want to deal with talking to people. I am responding to one person's texts, even though I have received quite a few more than that. But what I have to remind myself, is that that's OKAY. It's okay not to have good days. I know I need to do all of these things I should be doing but I can't. Not because I don't want to. I'm just not having a day where I can bring myself to. And if after writing this article I manage to take a bite of some cold food and sweep the floor, then damnit! I have to accept that as a successful day. I know we want to be better. For our friends, our families, and even ourselves. I know we get frustrated sometimes when we aren't making enough progress, but ease up on yourself. The bad days, though they suck ass, are important too. Lay in bed with that tub of sherbert, and stuff your face while staring at a wall. It's okay. Don't add to your already stressed mental state by trying to do the impossible. You wouldn't tell a person with two broken legs to get up and walk a marathon. Baby steps. If you only get one thing accomplished, you did great!

Relationships are hard. Relationships, when someone is dealing with mental health complexities, are extremely hard. But, at the end of the day, affairs of the heart should overcome. If you love someone with a mental illness, be patient with them. Let them know it's going to be okay by showing them. They might not believe you, even when you show them, but just be consistent. Let them have their bad days and stop trying to force them to be "better," there is nothing "wrong" with them. Their minds just operate a little differently due to whatever reason. But you'll certainly be able to better manage if you knew how their minds worked. So give them a safe space they can feel comfortable opening up to you. It might take a while, it might be instant. But when it happens it will be worth it. A bond in the heart is strong, but a bond of the mind is spiritual.

To be honest I'm no expert on this stuff. I can't tell you how to live your life or what your experiences are. But these are mine.