Crowds

It's crowded in here. (My Head)

Crowds

6 years ago, I started to notice a different voice in my head. A man's voice, the sweetest tune you could think of. He only really showed up when I was alone, I thought how nice it was that someone wanted to keep me company. He'd repeat the most delightful things to me, telling me how special I was. One night, I wanted to talk back, to thank this mystery man for making me feel so important.

Laughing, I thanked him, "Seems like I'm just talking to myself."

I was so sweet to him, thanking him for these wonderful things thats he's been whispering out to my mind. But the voice that replied to me wasn't very sweet anymore. He didn't want to hear anything from me,

The man that replied no longer was that sweet tune that I loved. It was someone different. A deeper, stronger voice that overpowered the sweet hum of my first voice. This strong man disliked me, told me I was unworthy and wouldn't make it through the trials he had for me. "Trails?" I repeated.

Nothing. Complete silence. For the next couple weeks I wondered what these trails where going to be. How could something in my mind make me go through trials?

After a month of silence a sweet tiny voice started talking, it was a girl, a very young girl. She wasn't talking to me though, she was carrying on a conversation with someone that. I tried responding to her but I don't think she heard, she kept talking like I wasn't there, like she was devoted in her conversation. Then a older man's voice came in, a voice that sounded like it had a lot of years and an abundance of wisdom to it. He was the person that the little girl was talking to, they carried on their conversation like I wasn't listening.

Another voice creeps in, then another, then another. Until my mind is full of "people" none of them could hear me, as if they were on a recorded loop. The strong man comes back, "Are you ready?" he asks. Before I can even ask, I could finally start talking with these strangers in my mind. They all were just like the strong man though, making me feel like I wasn't good.

The things they repeated to me were awful, things only in your worst nightmare could you even conceive the things that they said. You can only take enough of someone degrading you, and when you have a whole team against you, it makes things extremely grueling.

I picked up the sharp blade; looking at it I smiled, it felt so natural to be in my hand. Before I knew what I was doing, there was blood everywhere. It was as if the strangers had traveled from my mind to my feet and arms, they were the ones that cut me, not myself.

They were the ones that made me hit my head on walls, they punched me, they tried to drown me in the tub, they led me out into the streets at night with no destination in mind. Just walking the streets, sitting in the road waiting for something. I would wake up from these trances at the very end of what they had started. It was as if they wanted me to finish what they have started. I could never finish it after these so called "trances." It was when they left me alone that I was the voice in my head degrading myself, making myself do those things. I didn't know what was real and what was fake, I couldn't tell if I was sleeping or if I was awake.

It got to the point where I couldn't find my voice in the crowd, the echo of my words became the things they told me. I couldn't tell if it was them or me.

My strangers, became friends, they were the only people there for me in this time… even if they were causing me pain and heartache, they talked to me, and they were there through the restless nights. For four years, I left my mind and body to my new friends. I let them do harmful things to me and convince me the words they say, are real.

I don't know if I'll ever get my body back, I thought I did…just to lose it again. You find things that help you…but nothing really helps forever.

Most people fight their enemies in person, I fight mine everyday in my head.

personality disorder
Abigail Brooke
Abigail Brooke
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Abigail Brooke

I found this place to get the thoughts out of my head 

oh…and I love food!

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